BPDFamily.com

When something blows up, I feel upset for how I've mishandled the situation and escalated.   When people with BPD characteristics have something blow up, they feel upset at others for how they've handled and escalated the situation. 

I feel empathy.  I apologize.  I make mistakes.  I genuinely want to get along.   But it's damaging to your self esteem when you seldom/never feel that returned, or worse, the people in your life accuse you of doing things without ever admitting their own failings.   

So that's where I am.  Crushed right now.   

Sorry to hear this mssalty.

It's a very tough position to be in.

May I ask, where does the happiness come from in your relationship?

Yes, this... .exactly. In a nutshell this describes my entire relationship with the exception of the honeymoon period. Everytime we argue he is "trying to explain his position" and I get blamed for being the one who is "defensive, passive aggressive, and arguing to win" even when I say almost nothing! He has been known to apologize, but only for "allowing himself to get caught up in my argument" and then he has been known to ask why I don't ever apologize for "my part in things" even when I still don't understand what triggered the argument in the first place.

Low self esteem indeed. Being constantly gaslighted and struggling to trust my own perceptions of things has ruined me.

I think - when I didn't understand Cluster B disorders, particularly BPD/NPD, I was quite susceptible to that myself.

But once I had an understanding of what was happening beneath the surface level, I was no longer quite as susceptible. It made it less personal.

- Rather than interpreting it as a healthy/stable person attacking you for reasons you cannot fathom - you begin to understand it is a disordered/unstable person reacting to stimuli which you probably do not even register.
- Rather than it being a reaction to anything you've done or haven't done, it becomes clearer it's more like a volcano which pressure has just built up, and it's going to erupt come hell or high water.

Then, you may reach a new understanding.
- Being angry at/with a pwBPD for whatever massive over-reaction you are currently enduring, becomes utterly self defeating.
- Expecting healthy behaviour or healthy coping mechanisms from a pwBPD, is not unlike being angry at Stevie Wonder for not being able to see the keys on the piano, or being angry at Stephen Hawking for being so intelligent, but not being able to walk.
- It's like being angry with a child, for not understanding social norms.

It's simply a capacity that they don't possess. And never will, without the correct treatment (DBT)

Part of why it's so confusing - is because they look normal. And at times, they seem normal.
If you look at a person with Down's Syndrome for example, the defect (for want of a better word) is visible - aesthetically.
If you look at a person with BPD, the defect is not visible on the surface.

At this stage, a new question arises.
Now that I understand what I am facing - am I strong enough to endure this, while they receive treatment?




Does any of this make sense?

Yes, it ALL makes sense. :)

I am getting a lot better at adjusting my expectations and understanding what is and is not fair and reasonable to expect. The problem is that along with the awareness that he really can't help himself, I am losing any and all hope that my relationship will endure and now I am struggling with the emotions that come along with that.

Thank you for your reply!

I am licking my wounds from a similar situation.  I had finally just had enough and demanded to be heard and acknowledged.  3 days later now and I am a mess.  I understand where I poured gasoline on his fire... although I was the one who was on fire asking for help with an emotional need.  It is frustrating... .very frustrating.  And here I am, looking for tools to do better.  I wonder where the breaking point is? Will I get exhausted from all the heavy lifting or stronger?  I am desperately trying to rebuild myself.  I guess I come out a winner either way... .better than I was yesterday or something like that.  Can't lie ... .life feels like a game of Shoots and Ladders... .I get up a short ladder and then land on a slide and have to climb all over again.  Reminding myself that I am at least still on the board.

It is reassuring for me to know that we are all "on this board" together... .watching each other climb up and slide down.  I am new here, but I am definitely absorbing the gift of finding others who understand.