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Title: I absorb the negativity & guilt trips like a sponge- first post- introduction Post by: WifeOfProbableBP on February 26, 2017, 04:22:34 PM Intro/background:
8 year relationship with common-law probable BP husband. We are in our mid-30s. After worsening conditions at home threatening to affect my job, I decided to move in with my parents for a while. Husband & I are attending regular couples and individual therapy. Therapist seems doubtful that we are getting benefit from therapy. Husband feels abandoned, hurt, and betrayed at my decision to stay at my parents'. His common behaviors that bother me are: guilt trips, constant calling, spying and tracking me with GPS, rage, tantrums, yelling, cursing, throwing things, false accusations, frequent negativity, and slamming doors. Some examples of his less common, but more severe behaviors include: disabling my car, physically preventing me from leaving the house, threatening to smear my name on social media, threatening to blackmail me with nude pictures, picking locks or breaking down doors when I lock a room to be alone, punching holes in walls, breaking windows of house and car, delusions/paranoia/psychosis. What I would like to learn to do is to avoid soaking up all of his constant negativity. It causes me to feel paralyzed with anxiety, fear, & depression. Recently it's the guilt trips that have really been getting to me. I think I'm made a good decision to move out, so I could be in a more stable environment to work on rebuilding my mental state. However, my husband constantly makes it clear that he does not think I am doing the right thing & that I'm abandoning him. I know how intensely BPs feel emotion, & it eats me up inside to see him hurting. How can I learn to stop internalizing his negativity, so that I can work & focus on rebuilding myself? Title: Re: I absorb the negativity & guilt trips like a sponge- first post- introduction Post by: Naughty Nibbler on March 01, 2017, 05:37:12 PM Welcome WifeOfProbableBP: I'm sorry we seemed to miss your introductory post. I can see you have jumped right in and started to get acquainted with other members. Sounds like you are going through tough times with your partner. Quote from: WifeOfProbableBP Intro/background: 8 year relationship with common-law probable BP husband. We are in our mid-30s. After worsening conditions at home threatening to affect my job, I decided to move in with my parents for a while. Husband & I are attending regular couples and individual therapy. Therapist seems doubtful that we are getting benefit from therapy. Husband feels abandoned, hurt, and betrayed at my decision to stay at my parents'. . . Recently it's the guilt trips that have really been getting to me. Is there a point, where your common-law marriage will be recognized where you live? You shouldn't feel guilty that you took steps to physically protect yourself. It might be helpful to read about FOG (http://www.https://bpdfamily.com/content/emotional-blackmail-fear-obligation-and-guilt-fog) Quote from: WifeOfProbableBP . . .Some examples of his less common, but more severe behaviors include: disabling my car, physically preventing me from leaving the house, threatening to smear my name on social media, threatening to blackmail me with nude pictures, picking locks or breaking down doors when I lock a room to be alone, punching holes in walls, breaking windows of house and car, delusions/paranoia/psychosis Those examples are rather scary. How recent are some of those behaviors? I'm thinking that a combination of some of the above behaviors led you to go to your parent's house to live for awhile. It can be very important for you to have a safety plan, if you visit your partner or decide to move back in. This article on SAFETY FIRST, (https://bpdfamily.com/pdfs/safety_first.pdf) can help you develop a plan. Quote from: WifeOfProbableBP What I would like to learn to do is to avoid soaking up all of his constant negativity. It causes me to feel paralyzed with anxiety, fear, & depression. Recently it's the guilt trips that have really been getting to me. I think I'm made a good decision to move out, so I could be in a more stable environment to work on rebuilding my mental state. However, my husband constantly makes it clear that he does not think I am doing the right thing & that I'm abandoning him. I know how intensely BPs feel emotion, & it eats me up inside to see him hurting. How can I learn to stop internalizing his negativity, so that I can work & focus on rebuilding myself? Have you tried meditation or mindfulness exercises? They are good ways to clean house in your mind. The information below could be helpful: Finding Alternative Thoughts www.dbtselfhelp.com/FindingAlternativeThoughts.pdf MINDFULNESS EXERCISE - FROM BOOK" HAPPINESS TRAP" https://www.thehappinesstrap.com/upimages/Informal_Mindfulness_Exercises.pdf The information at the links below can be helpful with gaining control over ruminations and your memory management: MEMORY MGMT. - RUMINATIONS (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=103393.0;all) WORKSHOP - DEALING WITH RUMINATIONS (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=103396.0;all) Title: Re: I absorb the negativity & guilt trips like a sponge- first post- introduction Post by: WifeOfProbableBP on March 02, 2017, 10:28:58 PM Thank you so much for the response & links to those resources :)
Title: Re: I absorb the negativity & guilt trips like a sponge- first post- introduction Post by: Naughty Nibbler on March 02, 2017, 10:39:13 PM Hey WifeOfProbableBP:
Keep us posted on how things are going. It can take some practice to tame our thoughts. |