BPDFamily.com

My wife has moved out this past weekend, I feel a sense of relief after 18 months of knowing about her BPD, but not being able to get her to seek help or tell her about BPD fully.

After an attempted suicide by her almost 2 years ago, our relationship completely changed. Now after seeking a therapist for myself, reading about BPD and seeking support from my friends Iam able to let her go

Hi No-different

*welcome*

That's a very brave step to take. Healthy decisions are not easy to make.
I'm sorry for your loss, but I'm happy for you - that you are doing what you need for your own well-being

You will experience relief for sure.
You may also question yourself during weak moments - that is natural. Doing the right thing, is usually not the easy thing - just bear this in mind, as you go through the recovery process

Have you decided to do No Contact?
More info here:
https://bpdfamily.com/content/no-contact-right-way-wrong-way

My (ex) fiance moved out this weekend also.  I logically know that he is toxic, but the pain is still there.  I wanted us to end things on a good note, but he kept lying to me and then calling my crazy.  The pyscholigical abuse was too much for me and I left and went to a motel for the weekend.  I keep telling myself over and over that I'm ok.  It seems like I'm getting though the day minute by minute.  Yesterday was almost unbearable.  The house was so empty and quiet and it was my daughter's 9th birthday, and I wasn't with her because she went to Disneyland with her dad.  I'm fighting back tears right now becuase I am at work.  I haven't checked any social media at all. 

Hey No-different, Welcome!  Right, only you know when its time to get off the roller coaster and it sounds like you've done it, so give yourself credit for taking that step.  I predict that you will find life far more peaceful without all the BPD drama.  Suggest you focus on yourself and your needs.  You are likely to experience some strong feelings so you might want to explore ways to process those feelings as they come up.  Seeing a T is a good start!

LuckyJim

Thanks for your replies, after my previous and only post, the roller-coaster continued until about 2 weeks ago, when my wife has now asked for a divorce - I had hope that we would be able to repair our relationship, and after she came back into my life emotionally when my sister was diagnosed with cancer shortly after my first post, there appeared to be an 'awakening' of feelings, emotions and empathy from her for a period, however, upon my sisters successful recovery form cancer, things reverted to type and she is unable to have a healthy relationship with me or even attempt at marriage counselling.

I have now gone the non-contact route, but the pain, loneliness and constant replaying of past dramas is a difficult thing to cope with. I also sonstantly wonder how life is or will be, how i will be able to 'move-on' and be happy again.

@Sufficating - how have you coped since your post?

Hey ND, I'm sorry to hear that you are parting ways with your W, which is no doubt painful.  On the other hand, in the long run I think it's the right decision.  Most BPD relationships, sad to say, are not built for the long-haul.  Suggest you focus on yourself and your needs.  Treat yourself well, with care and compassion.

LuckyJim

Hi No-different,

I'd like to join the others in welcoming you.  I'm so sorry to hear about the pain you're experiencing.  We know what you're going through and have all been there.  Some are still in that place and sadly others will join us.  We all have our own ways of coping, but the Lessons (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=37613.msg347360#msg347360) are very helpful to give you a gauge on where you are in the process. 

It is going to be raw and very painful, and I won't sugar coat it for you - really tough and can be like that for some time.  However when you consider on balance what the alternative looks like, it becomes easier to see that the pain now is better than the long term pain that is inevitable in a BPD r/s that isn't going to improve.  When we come to that point of acceptance that this is the way it is going to remain, at a minimum, and see that it is not sustainable for us long term, the only way out I'm afraid is through this pain.  So make it your friend and know that what you feel now will in time get better.  Which is something we cannot assure ourselves of in the alternative.  It is hard, and that's why we are here to help you through and to tell you that even if it doesn't seem like it now, things do turn out improved and you can heal from this.

I'd encourage you to read all you can here, as you'll see you're not alone, that others do recover from these relationships and that there are reasons why we stay in them as we do, way past the first red flag.  One article I found really helpful in the early stages was this one on Surviving a breakup when your partner has BPD (https://bpdfamily.com/content/surviving-break-when-your-partner-has-borderline-personality).  It allowed me to focus in on the things that held back my recovery and to address these one by one.  You might find the polls on this board connected to the 10 beliefs that keep us stuck really useful too.  There are links to these at the bottom of the article.  I hope you get as much out of this as I did and that it reinforces the healthy decision you have made. 

Let us know if you feel any of the beliefs currently apply to you.  I'd be interested to see if there are questions we can help you to answer for yourself in order to ease your healing.

Right now, take really good care of you and surround yourself with others who care about your well being, whether that be colleagues, friends, or family.  This takes time and we'll be here for you along the way.  It's a journey worth taking because you are worth it.

Love and light x