BPDFamily.com

Hi.
New here, but I saw this site & thought this may help :)
I've been with my bf just over a year & 1/2 & it's been a roller coaster!
Any way hoping to hear from like minded people. Thanks.

Hi Zienna, 

*welcome*‎
‎
I'd like to welcome you to bpdfamily. A pwBPD want emotional intimacy and they will pull you closer, the closeness makes a pwBPD feel like their sense of self is being engulfed and the will push you away. The distance will trigger what the person fears most, abandonment and they will pull you closer, this push-pull cycle can feel like crazy making behavior to the non disordered partner, or it can feel like an emotional roller coaster like you described. 

I'm glad that you decided to join us, it helps to talk to people that can relate with you and offer you guidance and support. It helps to read as much as you can about the disorder, you'll quickly see the benefits and become proficient over time. You're not alone.

How is your support network with family and friends? Do you have a close friend that is non judgemental in real like? Are you seeing a T ( therapist) ) Is your diagnosed with BPD

Hi
Thank you for the reply.
Before I even met my bf I've had professional help which had definitely helped with this.
Mostly my family friends really do not understand & a favourite is "well I couldn't do it I haven't got the patience" So really helpful... .I don't think! One of the worst things I find or should I say hardest things is when he has to go & will happily not contact me for a few days of weeks. Mostly I'm the first to contact, we chat or meet up. Things are ok maybe for a week or a few weeks then boom again. I've not heard from him since Sunday. I did message him when he left & nothing back. A favourite of his is if I go round his he ends up getting back with me (even though we've never split up in my eyes?) as he "feels sorry for me" & other lovely things... .ah dear

Hi Zienna,


I can understand how invalidating that feels when family and friends wouldn't put up with it, it's easier to observe someone's r/s and critique them then actually being in the r/s, it's more complicated then that. You have feelings for him, you love him.

I know how the push behavior hurts, I lived with my wife, I take it that you don't live together? Anyways, my wife would give me the silent treatment, she was pushing me away, it was really confusing and it hurt, but what also hurt is that she would blame me and say that I was giving her the silent treatment. She was projecting, do you know what projection is? You're bf is projecting when he is saying that he feels sorry for you, that's the reason why that he's back.

If he has BPD it's a life long mental illness and the behaviors are not personal to us, BPD is not something that your bf can control, it's something that he's going through, it helps to depersonalize the behaviors, become indifferent to them, you neither like it or hate it, it's a process, it takes to time to depersonalize the behaviors, but it works.

Also, your bf is who he is, I'd recommend to radically accept him for who he is. Radical acceptance is instead of going against reality, for example hoping that our pwBPD are going to get help or that they are going to change it causes a lot of pain and unnecessary suffering, we accept that they have a life mental illness, my pwBPD has social impairments, sometimes the behaviors hurt me, or it makes me frustrated but it's no under his/her control.

It doesn't mean that you can't feel frustrated, angry, or sad with radical acceptance, it means that we accept things as they are, we're no longer fighting against reality, we embrace it.

Radical Acceptance For Family Members (DBT skill) (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=89910.0)