BPDFamily.com

It's just been 24 hours of NC after almost 2 months of begging to be taken back, and the cold indifference. But I do wonder at times if I played a bigger part than I imagined. I also think I just need to vent.

In the beginning we said we'd talk about our problems together but one of the first times I tried to she got defensive and asked if I wanted to break up with her. So from that point on I would just get quiet, and not say or do anything. I remember one time I did it for almost a week. Didn't even laugh. But that's not a nice way to treat someone who is asking if you are okay, trying to help etc. It was probably my faulty way of thinking. But i did communicate to her that I struggled to express myself because I felt like she'd get defensive, and we'd have to focus on her abandonment. One of my traits is to express myself and my emotions. I didn't feel safe though, but it still wasn't right to just shut up.

Then in the beginning she got real nasty with me when she wanted to see one movie and I wanted to see another and I told her that I really preferred to see the other movie. From that point on I rarely spoke up about what we should do together. And she'd get mad saying I never chose, or I'd be upset if she chose and i didn't like it. But I told her that I felt like I'd just be told no anyway.

Then in the beginning I was very frugal with money because I wanted to pay down my student loans, and have a future with her but it stopped me from taking her out and not asking her to split meals and whatnot.

Maybe I need to look at the part I played. Maybe I have to see that early on in the relationship she asked me to sleep in the bed with her again, but I chose the couch. I explained I was a light sleeper and if we could try and train the dog to not sleep right at the top next to me I would. But she didn't ever make an attempt.

I know we both played a part. I just can't have some doubts because if I was more aware of myself these little things could have been avoided. After all, you can't expect to change the person you're with. And i realized all this maybe 2 weeks after she finally quit on us. And it's tough not to look back and think what if I was more mindful earlier on? Who knows. I'm an emotional wreck right now. I need to take my mind off of her.

Hey Roberto,

Have no doubts, you are definitely going through this in the right ways.  You are trying to separate yourself and ask yourself what you really want in a relationship. You are also playing back situations and seeing things you could have done better.

It will get easier. NC provides space for this.  Taking a breath from the relationship is strange especially at first, but Detaching and more importantly Disengaging from the arguing and conflict will help let the emotions calm down.

I hear you on the emotional wreck part.  It will get easier, and feel less intense.  Don't be afraid to go have some fun or try something new.  Do things for you.