BPDFamily.com

Some of you know my story. uBPDxw had an affair halfway across the planet that she would leave the kids and I to attend to every month. We were expats in another country at the time and her affair was in the country we lived in prior to that. I found out, we separated, I came back home permanently.   After taking the kids initially, she sent them to me a month after we separated and lived across the world. She said she needed to find herself and build her own life, but threw alot of accusations and insults on her way out the door, derailed my career and caused tremendous financial damage to everyone. She tried to recycle a few times early on but would flip within days and fly away again.

Fast forward 3 years since I got the kids and really the last recycle attempt. We are divorced, I am working less than before, earning significantly less and raising 3 kids. She lives across the  world, her life is a closed book to us and she sees the kids about 5 weeks a year over 2 visits.

She just completed a visit amd has gone back but now she says she thinks of me, has anxiety about the kids, her job and "us" (as if there is an "us" any longer) and wants to talk. She says she has regrets too. She used to cut herself after we separated and has scars.  She has alot of anxieties and issues.

When she left 3 years ago she basically told me she would try to come back after a 3-4 year break. Sure enough here we are. I told her then it wouldn't work based on my values and beliefs and moreover I would likely have moved on so practically it wouldn't either. And I do have someone and she has been fishing around the kids for information which I also think has triggered her regret in some part.

My question is - have any of you had this type of recycle attempt that is colored in this seemingly benign state of helplessness and need? No drugs, etc and she has been building a career as far as I can tell.  

How do I find a way to help out the mother of my kids and still let her know it is an act of caring and kindness but not romantic? I feel stuck because she will never move back here if she has to go it alone and as a father that is gnawing at me. I want to help for the kids' sake but not to my own detriment.

I've been recycled willingly multiple times and it often came when I was doing well with my life without her. In your case you're doing what's right by your kids, and have found someone else.  She cant have this.  In her sick mind, you belong to her  ... .for life.  The thought of you moving on with your life with a new woman is unbeatable.  Don't buy it.

Ask yourself what has she done to change? If the answer is nothing, well do yourself a favor and stay away.  Believe their actions not they're words.

No you're right. She hasn't really changed in actions.  Her anxiety only started when she learned I had a new woman in my life. I guess I don't know how to give her a chance to prove herself to the kids but with the understanding that I am not part of the package.