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I wanted to discuss and compare notes on couples counseling. How would you answer the following 10 questions.

1. What precipitated the need for couple’s therapy?

2. Who was the proponent for marital therapy (you, your partner)? Were both partners motivated or was one party resistant, reluctant, or ambivalent?

3. On what basis did you select a therapist? Did you communicate with them beforehand? Was the therapist a psychiatrist (MD), psychologist (PhD), family therapist (MFT), or other?  :)id they have a special skill (personality disorders, mood disorders, CBT, DBT, etc.)?

4. What did you hope therapy would accomplish? What do you think your hoped therapy would accomplish?

5. Was the process highly structured (objective, outlines, homework), moderately restructured, or not structured at all? You have a book written material to support therapy? Did the therapist direct the conversation and have a lot of control or was it more freeform with the therapist helping you over the rough spots?

6. Where all your sessions as a couple or did you have private sessions as well? Why? If not, did either partner have private discussions with the therapist? Why?

7. What was the counselors assessment of the problem? Did you ever mention any diagnosis for tendencies for either of you? What was the counselors advice to you? To her? Did the counselor teach you any skills? What? What was most helpful/least helpful?

8. How would you rate the counseling? It made matters:

• a lot worse
• worse
• it  neither helped or hurt
• better
• a lot better

9. How many sessions you had together and why did the therapy end? What is the status of your relation afterward (married, together, separated, etc.)?

10. If you had it to do over, what would you do different?

Our constant fights. I had just heard about BPD and I wanted confirmation of this. My H was also in counseling at the time and his counselor suggested that I come in for some sessions.

At the time we were both very motivated. I had been trying for years to get him to go to marriage counseling. Up until he started his own counseling, he was extremely resistant.



The therapist was someone who I had seen in the past. My husband had been referred to him in the past. He was an LPC, NCC. He focused a lot of marriage counseling. I had not yet figured out BPD was the issue yet so he did not specialize in personality disorders or DBT. If I had known before my H started therapy that BPD was what was really going on, I would have pushed him toward a different counselor.


I hoped therapy would get him to see that his reactions to things were out of control. I also wanted to figure out how to communicate better with him so I could be happy in our marriage.


It wasn't structured at all. I was pretty frustrated with that. The therapist tried to direct the conversation a little by asking questions of each of us, but mostly it was whatever subject came up, we just talked about it and he would guide us to try to understand each other.


My H had private sessions. I did not want to have private sessions at that time because I did not want my H to feel like he could not trust the therapist. I worried that if I had private sessions that my H would fret over what I said and what the therapist thought of him after my sessions. Later, I asked the therapist for a referral to someone for myself.



The counselor would not give any kind of diagnosis. I did mention BPD shortly after starting therapy, but he brushed the idea of diagnosing aside. I did send the counselor an email once explaining things a little more, but he again would not diagnose. On the day I asked for a referral for myself, we had a brief conversation about attachment disorder.

I did not learn any skills from this counselor. He talked briefly about validating, but he did not go into details about it.  My H would take over the sessions. He would go into his own issues in marriage counseling and the focus became about him, not about us. I wish the counselor had seen that I was not allowed an equal voice in our sessions.



Counseling made things worse for me. My H would attack me throughout the week for things I shared in counseling. For himself though, he did learn to control his temper a little better. He was not threatening physical violence anymore and his rage decreased. I became bitter, angry, and depressed because from counseling I realized that things may never be normal.


We only had 3-4 sessions. I began making up reasons to not go to counseling because it was so one sided that it just frustrated me. I thought my H could use the individual therapy more. We continued to stay married.


I would find a counselor that specialized in personality disorders and trauma. I would choose someone who used DBT. I would want to have my own individual sessions to share my thoughts about our marriage and learn how to cope better in our relationship. I would also want to let the counselor know that my H would hold the things against me that I said in the session so that I could figure out a way to share without being scared of the reprecussions.

We've had 3 unsuccessful attempts at CC with 3 different T's. All were pretty much the same, so I've tried to combine my answers:
1. Constant arguements. Every fight we had would last for days on end without any resolution.
2. BPDh asked me to go & I eventually agreed. I was initially reluctant bc I felt his motivation for tx was to try to blame everything on me (he did). I also felt that hub was not emotionally mature enough for CC (he wasn't).
3. Therapists were psychologists recommended by his individual therapist & one we found thru our insurance co. We did not communicate beforehand. No specialty/skill that I was aware of.
4. I hoped therapy would help us learn to fight fair.
5. Not structured at all (wish it had been). A few books were suggested & some written materials shown but not given to us. More of a freeform style.
6. A couple of private sessions. I wanted to be able to tell the T about some of my feelings without hub there bc I was afraid he would dysregulate. Also wanted to let the T know that he lies/distorts the facts.
7. One counselor assessed the problem as poor communication, another said we didn't "know how to fight," and the last one attributed a lot to BPDh's behaviors and that we had "differing realities." Got a lot of advice on how to "fight fair." The information given to us about stopping "The Cycle of Abuse" was most helpful. Least helpful was quoting random studies & statistics.
8. Made matters worse.
9. Averaged 4-6 sessions with each T. 1st & 2nd counseling attempt ended bc hub wanted the T to become his individual therapist (conflict of interest), 3rd ended bc it was making matters worse: Hub started raging more frequently bc he admitted that he couldn't handle T calling him out on his issues & making him be accountable. We are still married & see individual therapists. We have agreed to re-visit CC dependent upon hub's progress in individual tx.
10. I would find a T who specializes in BPD or at least personality disorders in general. Would also wait until BPDh was in long-term, regular, frequent individual tx sessions for at least several months and was showing progress.