BPDFamily.com

Hi, I have stayed in a marriage for almost ten years with my husband who has BPD.  My daughters are now 7 and 10.  Every few days we would be kicked out of our home because he gets into a fit of rage and starts cursing and calling me names.  Sometimes at the height of his rage he yells, 'you better get out before I lose it' and sometimes I don't wait for him to throw me out.  I have finally mustered up enough courage to take my daughters and move out for a month now.  He promises things will be different if we move back.  I know better.  I have asked him to get help. He says I need help too.  (A few times when he flew into his rages, I followed suit).  He always reminds me about those times, as though I initiated the name callings.  I have asked him to get counseling with a psychiatrist, and his response is that we should see a marriage moderator.  Almost all of our conversations end up with me feeling exasperated and tired.  I end up giving in and staying silent because there is no point to try and make my point.   He doesn't listen because he is always going round in circles with his argument.  I am sorry to be ranting.  I just am not sure what to do.

Welcome brokenvase ,

I'm sorry to hear about everything you are going through. I bet it's very scary to have to leave your house every few days. You'll find a lot of great resources and workshops on how to communicate better with your pwBPD, how to handle conflict, and how to take care of yourself. You can find those workshops in the links on the right side of the page. Here is a link to an article on how to end conflict:

https://bpdfamily.com/content/ending-conflict

Let me just say one thing as an only child of 2 BPD parents:  getting your kids away from that drama is one of the best things you could have done.  My parents fought violently, and I felt it was my job to make the stop, so I'd follow them room to room, blankie in hand, trying to intervene.  Finally, I was big enough to get between them when Dad tried to strangle mom on the bed when we were getting dressed for church on Father's Day (hard to forget).  He threw me in the car with some clothes and we drove 18 hours to his parents' house in another state - people I'd heard my whole life hated me as the child of a sinful second marriage, and all in all, they were a nightmare, but it was better for me to be away from mom.  Later, Dad kicked me out, and that was actually the best thing he ever did.  Getting away from them was what I needed to be able to heal, find out who I was when not jumping to make them each happy, triangulated in shifting alliances of me and mom versus dad, me and dad versus mom, and them against me.  I am 39, about to 40, and they are both still the "boogie-man" in my head.  I am terrified of running into them or having to deal with them, and they are now in the 70s.  That's how much damage they managed in 15 and 19 years.  I have been NC with dad since 19, and mom off and onm most recently for about 7 years now.  But they still live in my head sometimes.

So don't stay for the kids.  Yes, having a mom and a dad is ideal in ideal circumstances.  These are not ideal circumstances.

You will not change your H's mind.  You will not change his behavior.  He has to want to do that.  You may need to make a non-negotiable statement if you really want to try to move back in - he goes to counseling and proves over a course of time he can minimize the rages (they will always happen, it's part of BPD.  You can reduce the severity.  You can increase the time between them.  But the core lack of emotional control is always there.  Think of it like emotional diabetes.  Diabetes never goes away and if you forget to maintain it, you get sick.  BPD never goes away.  If you forget to validate, or other steps to stop making things worse, a rage event can happen.)  You can tell him you will go to counseling on your own if he does the same.  Save marriage counseling for a time when you are stronger.  It sounds like it's a mixed bag for pwBPD about how well it works.  It often sounds like it turns into a blame fest against the Non. 

Again - only work to save the marriage for YOU.  Not the kids.  Kids do better with at least one happy and healthy parent than two miserable ones, fighting and upset. 

I really appreciate your response. It helps me to hear and understand how it must feel for my girls and your words help me see things more clear as to what I need to do.