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Here's my story...

My BPD ex broke up with me on December 19th and within a few days filed a PFA against me for false allegation and exaggerated claims (her version of reality, not reality).

The police came to my house, confiscated my firearms, and served me PFA paperwork to show up to a hearing.

I hired a lawyer at the last minute, gathered any evidence I had (mostly conversations and a police report that I called in against my ex for harrassment which happened directly following the breakup.)

Over the next two weeks, before the hearing, I worked with my lawyer to decide the best course of action. My lawyer recommended that the best decision would be to work out a deal between my ex and her attorney.

I was offered two deals. One deal was a 2 year no-contact order where my firearms are returned to me. The other deal was a 1 year no contact order stating that I would not have my firearms returned to me...

I accepted the two year deal at the hearing, in front of a judge and everything in writing, to get my firearms back.

Fast forward a month later, I try to get my firearms back and am told I cannot retrieve them for the remainder of the court order... I told my attorney about this and she looked into it.

A week later my attorney told that the system is not allowing my firearms to be returned to me for the remainder of the order.

I was furious... My attorney contacted her attorney and said that "I'm no longer consenting to the order due to the fact that the terms of the agreement were that I would have my firearms returned to me."

She files a motion to have the court order modified to the 1 year agreement that my ex BPD girlfriend had originally offered me at the hearing. All my ex had to do was sign off and consent to this change... She is refusing to do this because she claims that "Either me or someone I know has been showing up to her girlfriends place of work asking about me and my ex."

This has to be a lie, as I do not even know where my ex's girlfriend works, and neither does anyone that I know, and nobody that I know even knows what my ex's girlfriend looks like... .

I now have the option of going back to court for another hearing as is to have the PFA reviewed - I live in  Pennsylvania.

My other option is to wait a few months, and try to get my ex to consent to change the order again and sign off on the change.

What SHOULD I do? What CAN I do?

How can two attorneys offer me a deal in court, in front of a judge, and then take back what they said?

I feel cheated.

Facing false or contrived allegations where there is no proof or evidence is difficult when the purported victim is female.  Making a deal is particularly troubling because it at least leaves a worry that some of it might be true.  That's what you get when there's a law on the books for decades called "Violence Against Women Act".  It makes it seem there can't be violence against men or manipulation of the system by those claiming to be victims or targets.

While making a deal can remove the iffiness from a judge's ruling, if the deals offered are lousy, maybe you need to go to full court and present a solid defense that Ex has no proof or documentation of her allegations.  You can tell the judge you don't even know where she works, much less want to go seek her out.

An optimal solution, in my non-lawyer mind, is to get a mutual stay-away order for both of you.  If you do happen to cross paths, then you are both obligated to leave wherever you are or at least get at least XXX feet apart.  I stress "mutually obligated to separate" because if the onus is only on you then she can play the victim and claim you were the problem.

Hmm, another idea.  Can your lawyer do research on her?  Has she made allegations against prior friends, boyfriends or anyone before, any court cases or police records on her?  If so then you may be able to demonstrate to the court that she may be using litigation to punish her ex-relationships.  If that's the case then the court may get peeved at her for abusing the legal system.

If there are any future risks of contact then I'd suggest you (quietly, without making a scene) record yourself.  PA is one of those states that doesn't like recordings but if it's a choice of her making allegations that can't be proven false versus a judge lecturing you, I'd take the lecture.  Just tell the judge you were recording yourself so you could prove you weren't behaving poorly or aggressively.

I had three pfa filed against me by my ex. I live in bucks county. They give pfa's away to anyone that asks. Wednesday is known as pfa day. All were for a year and simply said I was not allowed to follow ,stalk, or physically assault her.
After the third I was arrested because ex accused me of assault. It was after the pfa lapsed. When I got out of jail I purchased a video recorder and a small audio recorder. The first time I went to pick up our boys at her place she came out of her place which is against our court order. I pointed the camera at her and she uturned and went back into her place. The same thing happened the second time. We've been tom court multiple times after that and she always brings up the recording. I get yelled at by the judge and that is about it. Legally it can't be used in court but you can show the police officer that is there and he can decide not to arrest you.
If it was clearly stated in court that you were allowed to keep your guns then I would think you have to get the transcripts and go back to court. They charge you for the transcripts. I believe about 75 dollars. An attorney would probably be needed to argue in court. You might want to contact the NRA and ask them what you can do.
Do not put anything past your ex. My ex did things I would never do to another human being ever. When her emotions are in charge she will do or say anything she believes will hurt me in some way. I purchased the video camera and audio recorder in 2010 and still have it with me whenever ex may be near. I make sure she knows I have them too.

I already have the option of going back for another hearing...

Since my BPDex will not consent to change the order (even though the change is one she originally offered at the hearing) I am able to take her back to court for another hearing, since the deal my attorney offered me is not being upheld...

I can choose to go back right away and fight it head on...

OR

I can wait a few months, see if she will consent to change the order again, and then if she doesn't go back to court...

Twelve weeks after my exBPDgf of 4 years broke up with me right before xmas, I'm doing much better, but still a bit down in the dumps.

I have not heard from her at all since she initiated no contact and filed a protection order against me. The last time I saw her was at the hearing on January 12th.

I wanted to make this thread because after the breakup I was questioning so many things and doing so much research... How could she have done this? How could she lose feelings for me overnight? So many "why's" and "how's" and what if I had done this or that...

Long story short, my attorney screwed up in the plea bargain I was offered in court, and the court order needs adjusted...

This is where her true BPD and narcissistic side truly shines and is proof to me that she is exactly what her diagnosis says that she is...

Since the offer I was made cannot be upheld, the court order needs adjusted... My attorney contacted her attorney who got into contact with my ex. She refuses to sign a consent agreement to change the court order, even though she is consenting to something she originally suggested and offered herself...

Her reason? She says that me or someone I know tried to make contact with her... This is impossible and she is lying... I know that I haven't and nobody that I know has either... Nobody that I know even has her number or knows where she lives.

And this is where her true BPD and narcissistic nature shines through... Nearly 3 months later, there have been no issues, and she cannot show even a single drop of compassion, remorse or empathy for me.

This is someone I was with for 4 years, and did absolutely nothing to deserve not only the breakup, but the PFA that she filed against me, and she can't sign a consent form to agree to lighten the blow to me and what I was initially offered in court.

What does this mean? I have to go back and have another hearing...

She would rather go back to court and have another hearing, than just sign something offering what she did in the first place anyway? Why? It's soo unnecessary...

My attorney suggested waiting a few months and then try to get her to consent to change it again... I know she won't. She'll just make up more excuses and reasons for not changing it.

Tis' truly sad that someone you were with that long, cannot even show you a drop of compassion or remorse and would prefer to go back to court than sign a piece of paper... .

This is so narcissistic. She wants a reaction from you. They want supply It does not matter if It is bad or good. She wants a reaction.
Do not give it to her.

Isn't it scary? Scary that someone you were with that long, who you did so many good and positive things for, cannot even remember any of those good times and see any of the positive in you?

I mean, breakup or not, or divorce, or whatever... She just wants to see me suffer... It's so messed up.

A normal human being would show some compassion or remorse or sympathy... .even after a breakup.

What kind of reaction do you think she wants or expects?

It's scary. Mine literally said "I woke up one morning and realized I don't want to be with you." Guess all that "couples counseling before we give up" meant nothing. So I'm here to tell you there is no rhyme or reason. They think in black and white and feelings are facts

Another thing. I assume you have both deals in writing from ex's atty. If it spells out that the guns were part of the two year deal then I am not sure how it was changed in court. Either a mistake was made or something was said in court that changed the agreement.
If you go back to court make sure ex has proof of her claims. If not they are unsubstantiated claims.
I would still keep no contact to show the court you have no interest in that aspect of the order.

Yes, both deals are in writing... It spells out that I was to receive my weapons back by accepting that deal... Somehow that part of the law that doesn't allow guns to be returned to someone with an active PFA went over my attorney's head and the legal system isn't allowing them to be returned to me, even though that was the deal I was offered in court.

Here is the best question... .

How do you fight a BPD narcissist in court who is just using legal abuse to be vindictive?

What methods do I use against her?

Her memory is poor so maybe there is a way I can catch her in a lie?

Any kind. Anything will do. The craziest It makes you appear, the better

document, document, document. I only communicate through email with my ex. We have two children so no contact is not an option until our youngest turns 18.
In the beginning my ex was always "winning" in court. Eventually I learned how to play the game. Courts like solutions that are deemed reasonable.
Ex filed a pfa, the second one,  and I was having issues with her about me seeing the boys school work. I picked them up at her residence and she wouldn't let them have their school bags. I asked, through my atty, that I pick the boys up at school instead of her place since she was afraid of me. The judge liked the idea and asked ex. She agreed since she really had no choice at that time. I told my atty it needed to be signed right then and there because I was concerned that she would change her mind once we walked out of court. My atty wrote the order up in court and gave it to the judge. He read it and handed it to ex. She read it and signed it. I signed it and then the judge signed it. It was a legal document. The next time I was to pick the boys up I went to their school. Ex already contacted the school and told them I was not allowed to pick them up without her expressed consent. I handed them the order. They questioned it because it was hand written. I told them to fax it to their legal dept. I walked out with the boys in about 15 minutes.
Once ex started not "winning" in court she became discouraged and stopped taking me all the time. Eventually she lost so many times that she now just "threatens" me with court in an email. I do not respond.

I'm so sorry you are going through this.  It only makes no sense in the frame of normal behavior.  Taking this from a BPD perspective, it is about winning, because if they win, they were right.  For instance, normal people settle in divorce and avoid big expensive drama.  Not so of BPD.  To them, court is a forum to be heard, a chance to tell their story and to win once again.  And don't expect this person to follow any court orders she doesn't like.  The rules are there for lesser people and suckers. When you keep in mind their need to control and to win, it makes more sense.

My suggestion is to continue on this path and have a hearing date set. Most likely your ex will consent on the day before the hearing to avoid the legal fees. The hearing outcome is obvious.

That said, look at the cost of replacing the guns and the legal fees and don't make a financially bad decision.

Bottom line: You're attorney goofed and accepted and unenforceable agreement. This is not your exgf fault or problem to solve. She could solve it if there was some good will, but she apparently has none.

You might ask your attorney to chop their fees down on this one. They should have known the law. That's what you paid for.

Don't get emotionally involved in this. Don't look for right to win out over wrong. It's court, it's business and law.

Wanna enlighten me? I'm not entirely sure I know what you mean? The outcome is not obvious to me.

It's sabotaging behavior.  A normal person would be reasonable.  She is 'punishing' you for the end of the relationship.  Or insert 'blaming'.  Or 'blame shifting'.  People with BPD (pwBPD) have a core fear of abandonment.  The chaotic behavior tends to drive people away, this could be a way of her abandoning you first - and blaming you for it - before you could abandon you.  Or if you were the one to end it then her claiming you are bad enables her Denial of her part in the relationship's demise.


Your lawyer doesn't get it.  Yes, maybe she might relent in a few months but you know her better than the lawyer.  This might be the time to get a more experienced lawyer?  I mean, more experienced with court and unreasonable ('crazy' ex's.  It sounds like she/he depended on a deal rather than court.  I'm not saying that's wrong, men have an uphill struggle defending themselves when women are making allegations.  But I think the lawyer is depending too much on a redo working in a few months.

Another reason I don't favor the lawyer's suggestion is that letting the PFA go on for even more months could tend to let the judge reason, it's worked so far, why not just tell the guy he's stuck with it since it's working so far.  Sadly, the court won't care whether you're being treated fairly.  It's a huge legal system, a judicial system built over many decades of written laws, case law, precedents, court policies and procedures, etc.  It's not a justice system.  What I'm suggesting is that you return to court sooner before time works against you, perhaps with a more proactive lawyer.

Of course, whatever you do, present yourself as a reasonable and unfairly accused person.  While being assertive, don't be aggressive as that won't help at all.


If this is your first time in court, you have a right to say you're not the person she portrayed you as.  Do you know if she ever did this to prior boyfriends or other people?

Yes, she has been to court multiple times over custody of her son. She has a son with an ex. She doesn't even have custody of her son due to her mental health and suicide attempts, no job etc...

I have also called the police on her before, just in December, for sending her friend to my house to intimidate me.

Something happened yesterday... .

I got a message request on facebook from a profile that has no information and no picture by the name of "No Eo"

At first I didn't accept it, because I got it while I was at work. When I got home from work, I accepted it and simply asked "That depends... Who is this?"

(I will refer to my ex is just EX since I would rather keep her name private)

They responded with "Close friends with EX. I couldn't keep standing by, watching her be upset. She has talked to me about you driving past a lot. I'm not messaging you to fight or anything, she just wants you to move on and be happy with your life."


I didn't respond after that, screen capped the messages and sent them to my attorney... Pretty sure this counts as breaking the court order.

This brings up SOO many questions.

Why would someone on her end do this? What are the chances that it is her and NOT a close friend? If it is her, why would she break her own court order and why do it in this way? Who else except her would take the time to make a new facebook profile just to send that?

First of all... If someone truly cared about me, or had any feelings or respect for me at all, they wouldn't have filed a PFA against me. Secondly, if they truly wanted me to "move on and be happy with my life" they wouldn't be sending messages like that after almost 3 months of no contact with a court order in place, and they wouldn't have filed it to begin with.

Also, I'm not driving past anyone's place as I don't even know where the hell they live anymore... I know where her dad lives, and since I live 5 blocks away from him, I do drive close sometimes, but that's it.

Just why?

FallenOne,

I have been inundated with social profile accounts (I count 6 FB and 4 Insta's in the last month), that our probably my ex, or one of her friends. It is likely her. Just NC it in my opinion, she is just looking for a reaction.

Protect your heart!

Reaction or not... What is her goal?

FallenOne,

She probably doesn't even know, so I won't theorize. Just protect yourself, you know that she isn't good for you, so I suggest you stay away if that is what you really want.

You can make it an invitation for a truce... .and accept it.


Legally, it's meaningless.


Why not accept the message at face value? It may very well be exactly what it purports to be. A  third person rescuer trying to help. . I sent you that link on our site a while back about triangles (Karpman Triangle). You can find it with the search box.



This is not well wishes for you, Fallenone, it is polite and non-confrontational way to say "she really wants to be free of your relationship, no more interactions and probably, no more guilt, bad feelings, hurt, etc. It will really help to read about triangles if you want to understand what is happening. This is pretty natural human behavior.



Ignoring it, is escalating it to her. Sending it to your attorney is escalating it to yourself. You want to detach now. Let of all of this.

You two are still at war. You see what she is done to you. You don't see, as much, what you have done to her. You have both inflicted a lot of pain on each other. I'm making this as a no-fault statement - just a point that you have both really done some damage.

Karpman would say that the best response is to step to the center of the triangle. What do you think of a response like this:

Thanks for writing. I agree. Whatever is past is past and we should release with grace and move on and be happy with our lives.

Don't drive by her Dad's house for a month... .it will speak volumes.

Detachment leads to freedom. Attachment leads to suffering.

What I really want, is for her to drop the court order and just make some sort of peace... I don't even care about a relationship at this point... I just want something along the lines of "I'm sorry things got so screwed up between us, we both made mistakes, I don't have any hard feelings against you and wish you well"

That would be nice at least...

Like someone else already said, she doesn't have this court order in place because she feels threatened by me... This is about control and winning... If she really wants me to move on and be happy with my life, she would stop being so vindictive and make peace.

Also, thing is, I am kind of happy with my life at the moment... Who is she to assume that I'm not happy and haven't moved on? She hasn't spoken to me in almost 3 months...

Be more specific... .How?


Why would a 3rd party friend take the time and care enough to go onto facebook and make a profile specifically to talk to me about this? And, even if they would do that, why would they conceal their identity?


There haven't been any interactions... This is the closest thing to an interaction that has happened since I saw her at the hearing... .If she doesn't want any guilt, bad feelings, hurt etc... .then why doesn't she just drop the court order and make peace? If this is a "polite non-confrontational way" of wanting something, then the vindictive actions behind the court order and her refusal to cooperate with that are a complete contradiction of the message that you're saying she is trying to send to me... .
 

I never wanted to be at war... This is HER choice and all of this happening because this is what she wanted. I'm only defending myself. Yeah, we have both done damage, but don't you see how she is taking this way further than it ever needed to be taken? I wanted to make peace long ago... She is escalating this, not me.


I haven't driven by at all... She is making it up.

I gave you a 23 word response to send via Facebook and I colored it blue. I can't be more specific that.  *)

I saw that part, you put it at the end of your post though so I didn't know if it was connected to your first response at the top...

I would say something like that, if there was not a court order in place... It is illegal for me to speak to her.

If she truly wants some sort of truce, she could drop the court order... No?

Her refusal to cooperate with changing or altering the court order in any way, is proof that she does NOT want a truce...

It's not illegal for you to respond to an anonymous Facebook inquiry.

This is drama thinking, Matt. She has real issues - she has been institutionalized 4 times during your relationship. She's in bad, bad, shape.

Stand tall. Let her go. Don't hold out for her to apologize to you. It doesn't work that way in real life.

The PO is already accepted by the court, she's not likely to spend attorney fees to undo it, and her attorney will most likely advise against withdrawing it. If she does want to withdraw it, she most likely has to state reasons why she feels you should be allowed to contact her. This opens up other legal issues.

You both whacked each other pretty hard. You did some very aggressive things after she broke up. She fought back hard.

Best to write it off and walk away.

They say that the best revenge is to live your life well...

I've been no-contact for exactly 3 months after a 4 year on/off relationship with a diagnosed BPD woman who's 24 years old. I was discarded, out of nowhere, on December 19th and painted black with false allegations and a PFA filed against me. Whether or not this was some vindictive revenge plot for breaking up with her last March while she was inpatient mental health, who can say for sure? I don't know... It probably is... Maybe I deserve to feel this way for breaking up with someone like this while they were in the hospital? Or maybe I should have known better than to accept them back into my life AFTER I broke up with them in this situation?

For a while, I felt a little better. Now, I do not... For the past few weeks, I've been contemplating suicide... The only things that are keeping me from doing this, are my parents (I don't think I could do that to them) and the thought of her truly winning if I were to kill myself... I don't want her having that kind of satisfaction, and I'm sure that if she were to find out that I did take my own life, she would probably celebrate it as I know I mean/meant nothing to her for those 4 years, other than being a supply source.

I don't see the point in moving forward... ? I get no joy out of life now. I rarely feel any excitement, pleasure, or any of the other things that make up what life is... I feel like an empty husk of a human being and I just move forward every day to stay alive.

I've given up all of my hobbies and interests, with no desire to pick them up... My job is failing because I can't focus on it and I have stopped caring...

I've been seeing a therapist, it doesn't help... Talking to friends/family doesn't help... I was prescribed xanax, that barely helps... I've been dating here and there... .that doesn't help as I can't even bring myself to be interested in anyone "in that way"... .I literally just go to work and do just enough work to keep from getting fired, and then when I'm not at work, I chain smoke, drink and sleep. I get out amongst friends and make plans as often as possible, but it doesn't give me any sort of pleasure, I just do it because I don't know what else to do.

What the hell did she do to me? Why was I so content and satisfied with my life while I was with her even though she was crazy and toxic? It's as if everything that made me ME, is gone and drained... .I don't even know if I have any feelings for her at this point, but I still think about her every day and obsess over the whole situation... How does one move on from this?

welcome to the club.
if it makes u feel better i have the same story.

I was only with a woman for 4 months, but even so short, it had a similar effect. A few months on, reading up on it all, I still think about it, and her. I possibly always will remember the turmoil of it all, it's a bit of a life marker, an experience that has such an affect on ones self, that you are left shell shocked. THat's the only way I can put it I think.

You will get over it, be patient and learn to be you again.

I feel the same way. I can't move forward. Nothing brings me joy anymore. Like I'm just muddling through life trying to stay alive. Mine was 4 years on and off as well. And she just dates and falls in love with anyone that obsesses over her. How do they do it? How is it so easy for them? How do they not feel any remorse?

Hang in there!

Matt,
  You are better than this. 

I know it hurts but the pain will eventually subside. I didn't shower for two weeks once and lay in bed contemplating the same. Two years later and I am glad I didn't.

This person does not define you but being in a relationship with her you allowed her too. It's like giving the patient the keys to the asylum.

You can and you will get yourself back. You have to get past wondering why it didn't work and focus on you, your healing. 

Ive read your posts and what I see is a strong, intelligent young man. A young man with the potential and capability to do amazing things.

You don't want to kill yourself. I had a non BPD ex do that this past year. I just saw him for dinner. We were completely unaware he had ptsd (he was retire military). This was a healthy, strong man with a beautiful young child who now is fatherless.

You can't do this to your family. They love you and you can't do this to yourself... .you have an amazing life ahead.

The hard part with these toxic relationships is you doubt your self worth. You are cheated on, lied to and manipulated so much you begin to believe its normal.

Sometimes I wish I could talk to my ex and explain how irrational she is but that's my ego talking. I know I'll get slapped with an RO or her sister will report me at work. It makes no sense to jeopardize my livelihood like that. Matt, as time goes by I see it's not worth it. She will always view me as an abusive ahole and that's actually ok.
Let her.

Her skewed opinions no longer define me.

I will say this, ignoring them does amp up the vitriol and spur them to "try harder" in some cases to destroy you.  Luckily I have amazing friends and family who support and love me. She can try all she wants. It's fruitless.

You need to find an outlet to keep your mind busy. Is there anything you really loved to do before you met your ex? Is there anything you ever wanted to try before you met her?

I encourage you to please try this. Try joining a social group like meetup. Go to a trivia night or happy hour. Don't go into this looking for a date. Go into it looking to meet other people.

This helped me so much Matt. For a few hours I wasn't actively thinking about my ex. This helped with the ruminating and I ended up making awesome new friends.

Hun, I had to go on meds for PTSD after my ex spit at me and ripped some of my hair out.
You were in an emotionally abusive situation and it takes time. You can do this though. I know you can because I see strength in you I didn't in myself when I first came to these boards four years ago.

 heart-smili

Don't give up on yourself. She doesn't win. No one wins. 

From my perspective. They cling on to anyone who gives them validation. Even my ex currently is clinging to someone she once said is ugly, smelly, boring, snores, annoying, doesn't have good decision making, etc...

They cling on to anyone. When the fighting started for my ex there's something she said which I won't forget.

"If not you, I'll find someone else to fill that spot"

Here is what I am experienceing and I think it helps answer the "what's the point in moving forward" question.

I am now coming up on 15 months since the break-up.

Here's the bad, probably what you wouldn't want to hear:

- I still know that I love her
- I still think about her and her son on a daily basis, and I mean that, a daily basis.
- I still get the urge to check her Facebook as well as my replacements Facebook, again, almost daily
- About once every week or two, I will think about her and how easy it was for her to fall in love with another man so quickly after me, it gets to me, gives me anxiety and makes me feel embarrassed and self conscious.
- Often when that storm of emotions comes over me, I am tempted to put my fist through a wall, I never have, but those emotions take me right up to the edge
- I feel like she won in a game that I wasn't aware I was playing
- I feel intimidated when thinking about what she could possibly be thinking/feeling about the situation, almost like I'm a child who can let go of something petty, as if she knows I can't let go and thinks I am a weakling (no evidence that she has any clue how I'm feeling about this)

The good news:
- I am a stronger person now, both mentally and physically. (Not a complete overhaul, but evident to me)
- I can now spot red flags from at least a 1/2 mile away
- I am far more insightful and in-touch with other peoples feelings which has really helped me relate to the world and the struggles of the people on it.
- I can see BPD nearly everywhere, it's like the curtain has been pulled back and I have an all access pass to spot BPD infected relationships and oh man how similar they all are
- In a few ways now, I feel like I have won. My replacement has no clue what is coming to him from her, so in a sad way I have the upper hand on him, and she is following her same patterns which means she hasn't worked on herself and probably can't stand to do so, again, that means I am doing better than her.
- I am also more in-touch with myself and desires, as well as what I will tolerate.
- My self respect went from like a 4 to an 8 out of ten in less than a years time which feels insanely good, and others can sense it. I have been treated with more respect by others than ever before simply by respecting myself.


This will end up being worth its weight in gold for you.
You are going to learn more about yourself and teach yourself new ways that will make life more enjoyable for you.
The pain subsides but has yet to go away completely, and like I mentioned, I still think about her all the time, but I don't feel the need to reach out to her.
Eventually, enough time passes and what once made me want to call her and beg for her back, now I just roll my eyes and think "really? This is how she does things, wow."

I have ended up feeling sad FOR her.

I am so grateful that I now know that I have what it takes to love unconditionally, something they may never grasp the concept of.

Hang in there, it gets better inch by inch.

FallenOne,

I'm sorry that you are so down and feeling suicidal. I can understand that. After my breakup, I had zero interest in anything—including living. I feel terrible saying that now, because I feel very grateful for the many blessings in my life, but at that time, I felt like I was simply going through the motions; surviving.

I realize now that it was the depression (some call it abandonment depression) that was causing me to feel that way. Many members here have gone through that. At the time, I never thought I'd come out of it. I just thought "this is the way it is, and I'll never feel better." I didn't care either way.

The thing is, though, that my feelings DID change. And life got better. And I grew and felt joy again. I really get the "what's the point" attitude. It was mine, too. Maybe the point is to get through this. To take one step after the other, regardless of how you feel... .and see... .see that things do change, and see that you can feel yourself again and experience the good in life. 

heartandwhole

With self compassion.
And patience.
And time.

With self education.
And gratitude.
And anger.

With faith that that this is all leading to something better. No matter how impossible that seems right now.
And understanding, that it will only make sense looking back. No matter how impossible that seems trying to look forward.


What's the point in moving forward after this?

You owe it to past-FallenOne - the one who endured hell and torture, right up until this very post - to get you to here.
Don't piss his efforts away, like our BPDexs did to us.

And you owe it to future-RisenOne - the one who is counting on you not dropping the ball here, because his future and his happiness are depending on it.
Don't rob him of his just rewards.

Right now, you have one mission: survive this. However you can. Whatever it takes.


What is it going to take for you to survive this, RisingOne?

If you were the hero of your own movie - what would you do?

I have been struggling with this alot lately.

I've learned that because of childhood issues I am susceptible to being in relationships with disordered people. Also came to the realization that my Mom is disordered. Alot to swallow in the two month period of NC after discardment by BPD-ex. World changing, and I am not sure if I could go back I would really want to know what I know now. Ignorance is bliss in some twisted way.

It's alot to handle FallenOne so don't beat yourself up. Get angry if you need to, you have a right to be. I have been practicing letting my anger out (instead of just feeling sad), it's healthy to be angry at my BPD-ex, who slept with other people during our relationship, gave me STI's twice, and made me have to deal with emotional damage that will take years to heal. Justified anger is good, don't deny yourself that right.

Furthermore, don't let these disordered people project their problems on to you. You deserve better which is why you made the choice to leave and come to this forum.

Yesterday I had a low point. Since our breakup I have had significant employment problems, insurance issues with a car accident, and have had to deal with a changing relationship with my disordered mother (who I know longer rescue or try to rescue, she could win the 'waif' award).

While I do not have suicidal thoughts, I have been thinking since yesterday how crappy this world is and how I probably need to lower my expectations for how people act towards me and my expectations for my own career. I work so hard, but  dear God, I have been such a punching bag! Building boundaries is painful in the short-term, as is all this "growth". But for now, I am keeping my distance from people while I rebuild my defenses. And I stay angry, because I have a right to in this healing process.

As Epic said just survive, that is the victory at this point. Keep posting!