BPDFamily.com

It's crazy the things I routinely have to apologize for. Just this week alone:
1.  I mumbled and when I said "you must not have heard me", lookout.  I should have; immediately apologized for mumbling, I didn't accept responsibility for my mistake, I placed blame on him for not hearing me.

2.  Had to do a written apology to my child because I misplaced an object that I took away from him. "I took responsibility for it and couldn't remember where was". "I'm sorry I didn't immediately jump up and look for it". " I didn't immediately apologize for not knowing where it was". " therefore makes me a horrible person and not acceptable".
When I apologized to my child, he thought I was being ridiculous(not in a bad context). I found the object and that there was no need for me to apologize, per my child.

I hung up a shirt incorrectly. The list can go on and on...

I'm told on a regular basis that I'm selfish, that I have to change and change is impossible.
I need intensive therapy that will give me tools to be a better person.

He remembers every crime I have committed but yet I don't dare tell him if he makes a mistake... .
I'm not perfect and maybe some of this is my fault.

When I behave and don't set him off, things are good. But most of the time I'm walking on eggshells.

No one's perfect.  In all of history, on one person ahs been.  So stop beating yourself up, people make mistakes, people misunderstand, people lose things, find them, and people don't need to write apologies to make things right in a regular basis.

People with BPD need to find fault with those closest to them because they cannot allow a drop of fault to come their way.  For them, any blame or fault is toxic to them and breaks their fragile self-image they carefully create. 

It's very easy to be set up for failure, by being expected to be perfect. 
And if you try, you will just validate the unrealistic expectations.  So step one - allow yourself to make mistakes no matter what anyone else says about.  You can't make anyone else chagne, but you CAN change how you act and how you feel about things. 

H likes to "poke" at me.  He points out things like how I left a speck of food on one of the 1000s of forks I've washed.  I used to defend myself, state how it's becuse I wash all the dishes and he does none, that all the other forks are fine, etc.  All it did was trigger a longer episode of thigs I did wrong.

Now, I just say, oh, lemme take that and here, this one's fine.  I don't apologize.  I don't defend.  I just stop it in its track if I can.  "Oh, the shirt's backwards? Then go ahead and flip it.  Thanks".  Then leave the room.  Simply changing your initial response, which I bet is like my instinctual one "I'm sorry!" can shut down their instinctual responses. 

pWBPD often pick at you to start a fight, and vent their spleen, because they are upset and need to get it out, and need a target.  They can't process it inside.  They can't work through things without having a fit to make you feel as bad as they feel internally.  They will pick up on small imperfections to justify feeling upset, even if they were upset before they saw anything to be upset about.  They re-con it.  So - rationally you know you can't possibly be perfect.  You know you did not hand up a shirt backwards to upset anyone or hurt their feelings.  You know you did not intentionally lose an item belonging to your child.  You did not intentionally not make yourself heard - he had to project that right back on you to avoid the shame of maybe being wrong.  Nothing you have listed is anything to apologize more for than any other "oops!" situation.  So don't.  respond if you must, ignore it if you can.  Many times I say nothing when H starts griping.  I either go fix it, ignore it, tell him I will get to it later, and only if it's something I actually feel I should have done or messed up do I apologize  (hard for a life long codependent to stop apologizing so much). 

You can't stop the criticism, but you can work to stop reacting to it, and you can stop letting it hurt you so much.  Once it no longer gets the reaction he wants, he may stop doing it quite so much, which is a small but useful victory.

Never in 22 years of marriage has he ever apologized for hurting my feelings. I always hear "that's a you problem". He has zero respect for me but yet expects me to WANT TO HAVE SEX. I'm losing my mind!

You're not losing your mind, you're starting to find it :)

Yes, the "I tear you down but expect you to want to have sex to validate my feelings" is crazy-making. 

H and I have been together for almost 21 years.  He DOES apologize after a fashion, but it takes a lot to get to that point, and I've been working on things from this site on and off again for about 10 years now. 

You've got a lot of established behavior to work to update to something better for both of you.  Sadly, the only person you can ever really work on or change is you.  Your H will kinda be dragged along for the ride, as you work on making yourself happier, healthier, and overall better. 

Do you tell him he has hurt your feelings?  If so, how?  How does he react?