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Title: I just want off the roller coaster... Post by: Lalathegreat on March 03, 2017, 12:53:56 PM Enough, want off, so done with the back and forth up and down feeling like a fool.
After our conversation Wednesday I decide to make plans for dinner this evening. He says sure! I have a job interview yesterday evening. I tell him I'm nervous. He says good luck and tell me how it goes. I send a text after letting him know how it went. At 6pm. Nothing since then. Seriously? Not even a "glad to hear it went well." He ibviously does not care at all, or is working hard to freeze me out. And now dinner tonight... .I almost want to just text "no dinner tonight sorry" and then put my phone on airplane mode for the rest of the day. He has always told me I'm passive aggressive when I never have been. Maybe I should just make it so. Title: Re: I just want off the roller coaster... Post by: patientandclear on March 04, 2017, 09:48:00 AM Reliable predictable steady communication is probably an unrealistic expectation of someone with BPD once things slip out of the early performance mode. If you can't accept that, and you stay engaged, there will be a lot of discomfort for you. Most people, very reasonably, want predictable reliable communication from their partner.
For whatever reason, that part didn't bother me all that much. What did bother me was when I came to grasp that the non-communication was due to him spending time with other women. And since he was masterful at obscuring that from me ("sorry, my phone was in my bag" I had to work my way via spidey sense to the realization that the break in communication meant something more. You have to decide for yourself, not with reference to other people and their choices and what they don't mind and what they can't tolerate, what YOU can't tolerate; what you need, from someone you share intimately with. I would caution against making assumptions about WHY he is not answering. It probably is not that he doesn't care. He may be dysregulated. He may be immersed in something. He may be immersed in something because he is dysregulated ... .:). Whatever the reason, it's probably not realistic to think it will change in any sustained way, and so you need to assess whether you can deal with that. Title: Re: I just want off the roller coaster... Post by: Lalathegreat on March 04, 2017, 11:53:15 AM I guess I am only frustrated because that part is new - he had never completely lately fallen off the grid quite so completely before. coupled with the open condoms and of course my mind is going to go places. And yeah - it's easy to leap from he's chasing other women to he really doesn't care about me... .
I did find out in the afternoon that I didn't get the job so I sent a text telling him that I was upset about that and needed an evening to lick my wounds so I wouldn't be coming for dinner. All true - was not trying to be manipulative. I had hopes riding on that job possibility and could not imagine mourning that AND spending an evening in the BPD zone. Well suddenly a string of 15 texts telling me how sorry he is that I didn't feel I could be around him and share that with him. I ended up feeling really bad, but I also knew I just couldn't. There was no way I could have my feelings and not trigger his. No way. But now this will be one more mark in his mind of how I push him away. It's such a damned if you do damned if you don't dynamic constantly. |