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I know that the best thing to do when a pwBPD is dysregulating and/or having a "rage episode" is to remove yourself from the situation when it gets to the point that talking/validating won't help bc your SO is completely irrational. But what do you do during those times when you can't get away?
I know many of you have small children & therefore can't always just pick them up & leave until your partner calms down. Sometimes you can't even go to another room.
I don't have children, but I'm physically disabled which means that on my bad days I'm not physically able to walk away or leave the home for a bit until his episode is over. I've tried putting on my headsets & listening to music, but that makes him feel abandoned & then he escalates even more.
What works for you when you can't remove yourself from the raging? How do you cope?

Oh my gosh! How overwhelmed & powerless you must feel during those episodes!
I've had a similar problem where my husband will pick locks & break down doors when I try to lock myself away from his rages. He has also tried to physically block me from leaving or disable my car.
When I have been able to get out the door, I will usually drive away & sleep in my car in a parking lot. It sounds like you don't have that option. When my husband disabled my car, I called the police. They are trained to deescalate domestic situations. Sure, he was super pissed off at me, but it did bring the intensity down. How would you feel about calling the police?
As far as coping goes, I'm still working on that. From what I've been reading, you can think of the rages a small child's temper tantrum. When a kid says, "I never get anything! I hate you Mommy!," you wouldn't take it to heart because you know they are just being immature. BPs are still emotionally immature.
 
P.S. What does the "pw" in "pwBPD" stand for? I'm not yet familiar with these message board abbreviations.

 

It means person with BPD

Sadly, if you cannot physically leave, there isn't a good answer. You've made it clear in other posts that calling for law enforcement isn't a viable option; it would be the one I'd normally suggest here.

The closest analogous situation I've been in (and know of others in) is being passenger of a car with the pwBPD driving. You can't leave the car.

The answer there is to refuse to get in a car with them, or at least refuse to when you aren't driving. (If you are driving, you can pull over, get out, and walk away if you need to.)

I'm guessing that in your case, you cannot predict when you will have bad days like this in advance, but if you can, I'd suggest you find someplace else with somebody else who is safe to take care of you on those days.

The only other suggestion I'd offer is to pay attention to the pattern of escalation your pwBPD follows... .and try to de-escalate or get away, earlier in the process, before he's in a full-on raging dysregulation. You always have more and better options earlier.

I definitely can relate to this sort of situation, a lot. If I'm able to be in a room without him, I'll write in my journal. I write out how I'm feeling, whatever I would tell a good friend at that moment, and then I try to think of what I'd say to a loved one experiencing those feelings. If I can't get out of my own point of view, as silly as it sounds, I look at whatever pet's around and think "what if they were feeling this way? what advice would I give them to get through the next few minutes, if they were a human loved one  in this situation?" It can be really hard to get in the right mental state to help yourself when someone's shouting the opposite of helpful stuff at you.

When he's literally got me cornered or I'm too unwell to get into another room, I know it sounds kinda nuts, but if all else fails, sometimes I just sing a little bit to myself. Whatever random bits of choir songs from high school, or christmas carols, whatever unrelated and not very emotional song I can think of. I can't hyperventilate and continue physically panicking if I'm controlling my breath enough to sing a little. Maybe it just confuses him. Maybe it solidifies in his mind that I'm the one who's clearly unhinged, so he gives up. It's only helped twice, but it did get me space to calm down those two times.

It's not easy to just leave, totally understand that.  H tends to dysregulate at night quite a bit, right before bed.  So I am tired, ready to go to sleep and catch what I can (I have chronic sleep maintenance insomnia), and he's gotten wound up thinking about who knows what (he'll tell me soon enough!) as he showers and gets ready for bed, too.  Sometimes, I can get away with rolling over, putting on an eyemask and turning out my light.  Sometimes, I can't.  There are times when you just have to weather the storm, try to diffuse things as best as you can, and calm them down as soon as you can.  Simply letting them hear that you listened sometimes can head things off - validation can also help mitigate some of the feelings that lead to a rage event.  Also, while I know it's probably not the healthiest thing, I tend to disassociate sometimes when things get bad, meaning I put up a wall and try to not let the ugly things being said come over it.  I grew up an only child with 2 BPD parents, no escape for me at all, then, and this was my defense - just disconnect while I needed to, and try to not let any of the feelings associated with what was being said actually touch me. 

Thank you for all the great suggestions & for empathizing. I'm taking the suggestions to heart & really making an effort to use them. Thanks, guys! |iiii