BPDFamily.com

New here, so still lots of questions.

1) Has anyone's spouse got into dialectical behavioral therapy? It's so frustrating to me to hear that it's the most proven therapy out there, but there seem to be so few therapists certified in it.  Those who are generally don't take insurance and only work during business hours.  There are therapists not certified in DBT who claim to use it, but I'm skeptical.  What's the point of this therapy existing if no one can access it?

2) There's a whole forum here on parenting post-split with someone with DBT but nothing on parenting while still living with someone with DBT.  Is that because such relationships never last?  Can anyone direct me to resources on living and sharing a child with a DBT partner?  Even the books on dealing with DBT as a family don't seem to cover parenting issues, and many coping techniques are harder to use when there's a child involved.

My W had about 18 months of formal DBT (group and individual).  I was skeptical because other types of therapy seemed ineffective.  Clinically, DBT has been shown to decrease some of the more severe symptoms of BPD such as suicidal behaviors, self harm and other severe impulses.  It took over a year before I started noticing an impact on these severe behaviors in particular.  In that regard, I’m convinced DBT can be effective on the traits noted in its published trials if practiced as designed.

Unfortunately, I have not seen much impact of DBT on distorted thinking and less severe impulses.  In some ways, the DBT has become additional fodder for the mental illness, particularly due to the therapy’s combination of moral relativeness, emphasis on the effectiveness of behaviors on BPD life and mindfulness.   These can make things hit or miss.  I’ve seen these feed and reinforce continued distorted thinking and actions and disassociative behaviors.  Furthermore, I’ve noticed my W will try to coopt some of the DBT skills as techniques to manipulate situations and justify behavior.

I’ve found on a practical basis that DBT is best supported at home with kids involved by the non-partner 1) enforcing boundaries which are healthy for the family, 2) only validating things that are either health for the family or neutral to it, 3) not validating or permiting unhealthy behaviors and 4) enacting consequences in response to unhealthy behaviors.  The non’s  Northstar should always be that of health and normalcy, challenging the BPD to adapt in healthier ways.  This benefits all involved including the BPD, if the BPD is willing.  Many can't handle these types of constraints and would prefer to explode the relationship.  Of course to do these the non-partner needs to be healthy themselves.  If the non is healthy themselves, either way, things will ultimately work out better for them.

My pwBPD is enrolled in DBT as a result of his daughter cutting herself. He goes with his ex and daughter. I was very hopeful that he would benefit from the tools. I find that the program has made him more mindful-just mindful of his own feelings, so that doesn't really help. He practices patience and uses the tools with his daughter, yet I keep waiting for them to be used with me. It stymies me that he can regulate so well when dealing with his child, yet goes amok with me, an adult. And yes he uses the skills to manipulate and justify on a regular basis. He had found the program through a local university. When his daughter was hospitalized for cutting, the doctors gave him the lead. If you are looking for a DBT this might be an avenue to consider, local mental institutions. I have my reservations, though, as I feel that it encourages owning and feeling your feelings. It encourages the BPd to justify all of their actions using their feelings as excuse-that's how my bf reads it. I am sure this is not the case.