BPDFamily.com

So,

We've established our boundary that we are just going to text each other once in a while to start to become friends again. It's going to be a very slow process.

It's kind of funny to me because she said we both need to learn to trust each other again, but I don't exactly know why she doesn't trust me, and if I asked I am sure that she wouldn't tell me, or just say she doesn't know.

She seems like the same person as before, but claims to be happier so idk if she's is using that as a way to hurt me? If it does I can say that she doesn't have that effect to hurt me anymore.

I even looked on her FB seeing that she is leaving the place we work at and it also had no effect on me either.  I'm actually glad I won't be seeing her there anymore.  

I do think I am over her as I haven't felt the need to text her since we have established that we can.   I want to text her, but I don't feel the urgent need as Ifid before.  Before the only reason why I text her so much was because I was always so worried about her because every day she pretty much wanted to kill herself so of course I would text her to make sure she's ok.

I'm glad I am realizing this about myself.  It's kind of funny because now that she is back in my life somewhat I don't feel like I miss her anymore, or need her like I did when I was grieving her loss.  It was kind of like she was dead and came back to life and I just feel relieved that she is alive and well nothing more.

I would like to talk to her more, but I know I need to be patient.  I want to get to the point where she can talk to me about anything,  She did tell me in a text that she doesn't know how to do our friendship differently than before so that's something to consider.  Not sure what she means by that because we were friends for 6 months before she discarded me and didn't have sex during that time.  Is she referring to sex?

I think I am strong enough to tell her no, and I think it would help our friendship better by telling her no.  I truly care about her and want to keep her in my life, and I would understand if she goes quiet again for a while.

I'm glad to hear you sounding at peace with this new version of your relationship. (At least some of the time! You will probably have struggles and tough moments still.)

I've got a few thoughts to help you navigate this and understand yourself.


I wouldn't use the word "boundary" like that, as I don't consider it to be a joint thing.

The way I like to use the word boundary is that it is a personal limit you set for yourself, and enforce for yourself... .whether the other person tries to push past the boundary or respects it. (You can do this; she can too, although pwBPD tend to be really bad at doing this for themselves. They also tend to try to blast past others boundaries)

Instead I'd call this a plan or an agreement between the two of you. Which either one of you could change your mind about at any time.


I'm guessing that you think you are trustworthy and would be a safe friend to listen, no matter what she told you... .and wish she could see that.

I've got a challenge for you: Do you think she is a safe and trustworthy friend that you can talk to about anything?

If that only goes one way, do you think it is a healthy friendship/relationship?


Hmmmm... .sounds like you are still hoping for some sort of sexual connection with her, even though you think it is unlikely and unwise. As a test, imagine what you would say about a similar situation... .wondering if a friend is interested in sex with you, and what you would say... .only pretend that the friend you are thinking about is somebody else. Maybe your brother's wife, or your boss's wife. Maybe a gay man (I am assuming you are straight).

I wouldn't say something like "I think I am strong enough to tell her no" in that context. My thought would be more along the lines of "What the heck?"

If you still want a sexual/romantic r/s with her, acknowledge it to yourself. Even if you know it is unlikely or unwise or both. That kind of conflict is very much a real thing; you will figure it out... .but pretending it isn't there alone won't make it go away.

Haha, sorry for the lame quote, but am on my phone so it's hard to quote things I want to. I really love your opposing questions. Maybe I'm not saying that right, but I love them.  

I do hope that she stays in my life and I agree with you about the boundary issue.  It's more of an agreement, but she didn't know how to set up a boundary and for me... .Maybe it's more a boundary on myself as in the past I have text her wayyyyy to much so i understand her concern in maybe not trusting me?

As for the sexual part. We were in a lesbian relationship. I can tell you this.  I will say no because I think most people would say yes. I want to show her that I am different than most people and respect her, and don't just want her for sex.

Iwant to show her that I have changed and I am not as needy as I had been in the past,  and that included texting.  It's kind of funny because she always thought of herself as the needy one and I always thought of myself as the needy one.  Yes she is more needy in terms of the whole relationship, but as time went on I think I took over needing her more. I do still have feelings for her,  but they are buried very deep.  I know there will be moments of weakness for me, but I feel like I can stand strong.  Right now, I want to move on I want to be in different relationships, but if we somehow end up together i would be very happy with that.  I have had many signs that she is the one so idk what to do about that.  I'm not letting it keep me from finding love, but I also could see us being together in the future.

I am howerver over her for the most part and I am ok and happy.

HA! I made the wrong assumption about gender/orientation there, but I think you still got my point--that you are still wanting/interested in a romantic/sexual relationship with her... .and that creates some underlying tension, confusion, and awkwardness in any attempt to be friends, because there is more that you want besides the friendship.

I was trying to contrast it with a friend you would have zero sexual/romantic attraction toward. (I suppose the gay man still works for that.  )


Where did that bit about only wanting her for sex come from? Nothing you've written here makes me think you said that, or you ever acted that way.


I get your desire to act less needy, and I support and commend your efforts to change you actions in that regard... .but I don't see that as a trust issue. (Maybe we have different definitions of trust?)

Acting needy is unattractive and annoying, but not harmful. Or at least I can't figure how it is harmful. Did you text-stalk her when she was out with other friends or family in a way that damaged those relationships or isolated her? I guess that would qualify.

Trust is broken or betrayed when you do something actively harmful. Like lying, cheating, stealing, physical abuse, emotional abuse, manipulation, or rejection. Breaking up does a lot of damage to trust; that's one of the things my stbexwife did to me that probably won't let me trust her again, at least that way.

Back to you... .look back at your relationship history with her--did she behave toward you in a trustworthy way? Did you behave toward her in a trustworthy way?

I didn't do any of those things, but oh she did all of those things, except stealing.

For some reason she told me during our recent texting session that it would take a while to earn trust back on both sides. Now.  I DID maybe tell people she has BPD to protect myself because people would wonder what the heck was wrong with me, and I thought if they knew they would understand more. She never had said i couldn't tell anyone to begin with I guess that had to be assumed.  One time she asked me if I had told anyone and I was honest and said yes, I even told her everyone I told except maybe one person. I honestly don't know why she wouldn't trust me though.

Texting may have gotten a little out of hand.  Well, I once text her when i was at work because I was so worried about her.  I asked her if shen could text me goodnight before she goes to bed so I know she's just sleeping and not something more serious.  She would generally just stop talking to me after our conversations and I would get so worried about her that I couldn't handle myself at work. (I work overnights).  Things got so bad at work at one point that I would get emotional super easily.  It was embarrassing, but yet,  I couldn't tell anybody about her BPD because it was embarrassing for her.

I would very much like to have  her in my life as a friend than nothing at all.  :)o I hope that maybe one day when we're like 40 years old she'll come around and realize we were meant to be together? Absolutey.  She claims we don't have chemistry, but she never tried to work with me in the relationship, it was all about her.  She would do some sweet things for me once in a while, but mostly the relationship was about her and what she wanted never what I wanted.  

I don't know why i still hope, but I have had so many signs that she's the one, and I still get them.  I even got one when she text me the first time since we NC.  So I don't know how to go along seeing the signs and not thinking that maybe we have a future together. I am fine with the friendship tho.  I am a lot happier knowing she's in my life now.

Uhm... .

You are telling me that she did many things to betray your trust.

That you didn't do anything to betray her trust.

She's saying it will take a while to earn trust on both sides.

And you seem to believe that.

Why shouldn't I believe that? If she seems to not trust me I must have done something wrong.  Would she be lying about that too just to hurt me?

When she says she doesn't trust you, I'd believe her about that. But I wouldn't jump to the conclusion that it is the result of you doing something wrong. A couple bits of perspective on that:

First, how BPD works. Feelings trump facts and reality. Until they change, then they do it again. So one moment she has you painted black, she doesn't trust you, never will be able to trust you, and was a fool if she did trust you before. Then one moment later, you are painted white, and were always trustworthy. Your mind doesn't work that way, but hers does.

Second, consider that the problem might be her, not you. Perhaps she is incapable of trusting anybody, no matter what they do (or don't do).

... .and let me turn it around back to you for a moment. You seem willing to trust her, give her a second chance. Why is this? From what you say about her prior behavior, this doesn't sound justified.

I am a super forgiving person. I think that is the best way to be to help yourself. I give second chances to people who don't deserve it because I believe in them and I believe they can change.  She is trying to change so I want to believe her. If I wasn't supportive I don't think she would have anyone in her life to be that way. If no one is willing to give her a chance to be good she never will be.

Wondering if exes in new relationships normally do everything you wanted to do in the relationship with the new partner, or if that's a characteristic of people with BPD?

Why is this? Do they do it on purpose to piss you off?

Pretty sure they do everything that their new partner wants. Once we're out the picture we're forgotten almost instantly and they focus and mirror their new partner and start weaving their new web.

So I know that it's hard to explain to people what it's like being with someone with BPD, and I feel like I can't tell anyone truly what went on to protect my ex gf. But why do I feel like such the crazy ex gf? I mean I feel like I am gettintg over her, but now that's she's back in my life I constantly check her social media and I talk to my friends and family about it all the time. Like I know all the new people she's friended recently and I think she's dating someone because she also friended one of her family members.  I just want the madness to stop.  I don't want to be sick in love with her anymore.  I still hold on to hope that one day it could work out even though I know it's over.  :)o people with BPD really make us all feel like this after they've broken up with us?  They find the most vulnerable people so they know they have this effect? Like I know I am a bit obsessive when it comes to women, but is it really just me being crazy? Or did she make me crazy? It's really frustrating because I was just getting over her without being able to see any of that stuff and I was fine. Now that I can see that stuff it's like a special treat because she abandoned me for so long and blocked me on social media that I'm like becoming obsessed with checking it.  

Uhm... .you feel like the crazy ex gf because the way you are behaving does look like one?

Obsessing on her.
Stalking her on social media.

It isn't healthy behavior. I'd suggest you unfollow (if you are currently friended with her), and stop looking for information about her.

Not forever--just until you can do it without driving yourself nuts. Take a couple weeks off of her social media, and see how you feel at the end of it.

Don't feel that bad--it is normal to go through this kind of phase during a breakup. And you will get past it. Trust me--if you stop stalking her, you will get through it faster and cleaner.

Yeah, I feel like the way I am behaving does look like one.  I only talk to 3 people I really trust.  So, maybe they think I'm psycho, but I trust them enough not to judge me too harshly. Idk it just seems unfair because she is the "crazy" one and now has me looking like I am the crazy one.  Haha, funny.

I have a really boring life is the problem.  Nothing to really keep me busy.  I go to work and come home go to sleep.  I know it's unhealthy but it's been the only thing that keeps my life somewhat exciting. I know that sounds super pathetic. 

Yeah, well, pick something new and different to obsess on. Research the Iderod. Plan a trip to Nepal. Binge-watch something new. Find and read Sumerian love poetry. (Learn the ancient language first for bonus points.) Get a dog or a cat. Start a punk-ska-bluegrass band.

I would say start dating and obsess on your tinder matches, but I suspect you aren't quite ready for that one.

You can probably come up with a better idea than I did :)

Oh yeah... .if you have three people you really trust that you can talk to... .you are doing really good there! Lots of people don't have even one unless they count their SO.

Haha, well, I'm going to look into going back to school actually, and I've been binge watching crazy ex girlfriend which is probably why I think I'm crazy even though I know I'm pretty mild to some people.  I recently got a new okcupid account and feeling like I can move on.   I may take an art class and a class to help me with social anxiety. I've also been working out just have felt too motivated in the last couple weeks mainly due to a vacation that interrupted my progress, but I will be getting back into it tomorrow.  Anyway, thanks for listening and the support.

And just to be clear the only crazy thing I really do is stalk her social media.  I wouldn't ever go beyond that.

Hey, I know you aren't a crazy-stalker-ex-gf type. Wasn't worried about you.

I was just validating that you do feel that way... .and that social media stalking is a natural way to make yourself feel that way.     

Putting a toe in the dating pool sounds like a good idea too.

Shedd,

This is the improving board where we work on ourselves and on improving our relationships. Its a problem solving place.  *)

My understanding is that you want to be a cordial-ex to your last partner. That's admirable.


Uggh.

If you are going to make this work, you need to have a Chinese wall regarding her new relationship - don't ask, snoop, evaluate, its not your business. Your focus needs to be on establishing the basis of a friendship with her. Friends don't meddle in their friends life, judge, ruminate.

Can you make that leap?

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