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I am new to this site and just seeking some advice about a female that I have been communicating with since last June. I have had dated somebody with borderline before. It was like nothing I have experienced before. We went on two dates and she had my life planned for me. She was very possessive of me and wanted to set my plans for the weekends that she was not even around.

Well, there is this new girl. I see some parallels, but I am not sure if it is borderline. I meet with a counselor and she has mentioned that she thinks this girl has a personality disorder. I just wanted to get some thoughts. With the first ex, we were in a relationship and it moved quickly. With the 2nd girl, I never was in a relationship, so I was wondering how somebody with borderline treats somebody that they are not in a relationship with.

There is something about this girl that has just confused me beyond belief from the first day I hung out with her. We hung out in a group, she stayed behind and it was just the two of us. It was a beautiful day and she had walked (about 10 minutes). She asked for a ride back (my car was about 5 minutes away) and said she had a great time with the group get together I had started. The girl was extremely nervous when it was just the two of us, to the point that she tried to get into a car that wasn’t mine and blushed. It seemed like the ride was just an excuse to stay behind with me. I texted her when I got home and got an instant response, so it seemed positive.
From here, her friends started asking about me. She started asking about and even asked my coworker if I date often. That same week, I had a party at my house. The last person to leave? Her, again. She was nervous, but stayed. A couple of days later, I asked her out and she said she was in the middle of getting back together with an ex. So, I am confused why she kept trying to set up a situation where we were one on one. To be honest, I don’t think the ex was even real. If it was the same ex as she has been with, they go back and forth and she portrays him to be very bad.

Three days later, I was at a trivia night with her. She was in my personal space and seemed to want my attention. I watch games with my coworker (same one she asked about my dating life) often. She never went to trivia, until I said I go. Now, she started going. However, they ended trivia after that time. A week after I asked her out, she texted my coworker and asked him about watching a game again. He was out of town, but if he was in town, I would have been watching the game with her. So, she tried to invite herself.

A few weeks passed and I did not say much to her. We talked about watching a game again. I said I had dinner plans with coworkers to celebrate my birthday, but would let her know if anybody was going to watch the game after. Well, she took that as a chance to invite herself to my dinner. My coworkers were confused as to why she was there and what was going on. She did not know any of those people very well at all, but she was there. The next week she saw 2 of my coworkers and wanted to hang out with them.

We hung out a few times, 5 of the next 6 weeks. During this time, the girl started to eat my food and turned kind of possessive (not crazy, but how a girlfriend would be). I get a pack of gum, she would grab it out of my hand. My stuff was her stuff. My food was hers. Yet, when we were around other people she did not act like that. She would seem to get nervous and ignore me, but a few days later she is back at eating my food. One of my coworkers that hung out with me quite a bit noticed her behavior and commented on it to me. He said she seemed to be treating me like we were dating when we were away from the group. During that time, she kept creating the environment of being one on one with me. She would never invite her friends with her to go. My friends would leave, and she asked me to stay behind. I did not say anything, because she had said she was in a relationship (which was no longer the case by this time, but I did not know).

Any time I asked her, I would get a weird answer. I ask her to watch a game, she would give me a noncommittal answer or on the day of the watch ask me if it was just me going. Like, she didn't want to go if it was just me. Yet, when we would go, she would make a point to stay behind to be alone with me or eat my food or other things that would make you think she was comfortable and we were friends. One time I had to go out to the parking lot for my car and I was gone a little longer than she apparently thought I should be. My coworker said she was kind of freaking out a little bit and was really worried. I live in a very safe neighborhood, so there is no need to get that nervous.

Finally, the last time I hung out with her we were alone. Her coworker happened to be at the same restaurant. She got so nervous that she could not even remember her coworker’s fiance's name. She seemed very nervous, like she got caught with something. I mentioned that she could invite other people, but she said she did not like inviting friends because she has "trust" issues.

The next day, we had plans with another person. That person was not sure he was going to make, so she backed out too. It is like if I make a suggestion, she is very concerned about who is going. Yet, she is the one that keeps setting up the one on one environments with me or treating me differently than a colleague. I asked her what was going on and shared what I had noticed about her canceling out often when it was just me. She got very upset and said that my coworker was being creepy and asking her personal questions about me, so she said she probably just tried to ask about me to get the attention off of her. My coworker would not do that, so that seemed like a lie. She also said she doesn’t remember texting my coworker (who is married). Yet, she remembers everything else. This girl has said some strange things about other people quite a bit. She claims one of her coworkers has borderline, but I see no resemblance at all in this case. She called my coworker creepy, but she is the one asking somebody about somebody’s personal life.

My friends said to ignore her and see if she writes me. I did and did not invite her to game watches for a month.

This may be the best example of why I am confused.

So, I had not invited this girl to anything in a few weeks... .no game watches or anything. Since we started hanging out, there have been two times that I gave her space. Both times, she invited herself to my invites. She messaged my coworker to ask about watching the game with us. The other time she invited herself to a birthday dinner I had with my coworkers.

Well, this is the 3rd time I have done this. It had been a month since I hung out with her. Again, I did not invite her to stuff, just staying low and avoiding her for a while. She emailed me a question about work last week. She never emails me about work, since we work in two different offices and she and works with a different part of the institution. I won't give specifics, but this is an example of what is odd about this. Each person in her office is a liaison to different offices. Her coworker works with office A, she works with office B and etc. I work for office A, not B, yet she reached out to me because she needs to get a few people together for an event.

She is friends with the people in office B, her outreach office, but she did not ask them or check with them first. Just me. So, she contacted me even though she works with a different office (she knows this). We have an association at the institution as well. I am not on that committee either (which she knows), so there is no reason to go through me. I answered her question and forwarded it on to the right people. The next day, I get a text message from her about a personal trip I am taking soon. She wanted to give me advice. So, both cases, she initiated the contact via email and via text. I literally just replied to both. I answered the work question (what dates would work for the event) and answered the text (that I already have a hotel set up and do not need her suggestions). So, it would appear we are on friendly terms. This weekend, she blocked me on facebook.

Now, I am confused. The girl can quote what I have on facebook and knows specific things about me that I have not shared with her. I am planning a trip to Iceland, magically she looks up information and is too and has an itinerary that wants me to follow for it. (Because Iceland is a place that all people from the USA go, especially when they are cold blooded and only go to the tropics... .). There are several things like this. I hate something, she does too. I like something. She does. The girl literally mimics me when we are in public (says the same things I say 20 minutes later). I am done inviting her to things, because I feel concerned for my well being.
The similarities with the borderline ex are:
She needs to know what I am doing and seems to know way too much about me
Wants a say in what I do in my personal life and wanted input on where I apply for a job (I mentioned I was thinking about looking and she made a very direct suggestion)
Very secretive… After things seemed to be done, she wanted to start hanging out with my friends…yet, she did not want her friends anywhere around me.
Possessive of me…. Just me…not her other friends
The blank, emotionless, confused stare
Seems to make an excuse to contact me (the work email that makes no sense)
Both seemed to read up on me quite a bit…knew what I was doing… with who… and where...
Both wanted input on what I should do with daily life
The differences:
The ex seemed to rage more…Although, this second girl would not meet me during our final conversation, so it was all via email. So, I cannot confirm what her behavior was at this time.
I had a relationship with the ex and she moved quickly. The 2nd girl did not date me, but treated me as you would expect people that were dating would do.
The 2nd girl is much more secretive. She would not acknowledge me with her coworkers around.
I questioned  the ex at the time, she raged and blocked me, but I started receiving strange phone calls and she started to seek out my friends.
I questioned this girl. She blameshifted, gaslighted me and seemed to joke around about it. Then, made an excuse to contact me, then restricted me on facebook so that only she could see my stuff, but I could not see her stuff (not that I really cared about that).

Both felt like a constant push-pull. The 2nd girl seemed to want my attention, want me to make a move, but then I give her attention and made a move and she pulled back. Yet, then she started to seek my attention again. When I stopped, she sought me out.

My one coworker has seen more than anybody else, as he has been around the most. However, even when he is gone it gets even stranger and she seems to act even closer to me. Sometimes I felt like I was being groomed into something, which is kind of how the ex was. Some of my people say she was likely confused, but that doesn’t seem to fit. I have been in one of those situations too, but this does not seem to fit that. There seems to be something more, something a little more unsettling. Being that she lied about my coworker and her coworker, I am just concerned what she is saying about me and if she is misrepresenting the truth. I know sometimes traits of BPD can be passive aggressive (emailing me about "work" and restricting me on facebook. I just know that something doesn't fit here. It may not be borderline, but something just does not add up. She reaches out to me, she texts me, she restricts me on facebook? I literally did nothing in that series. Just like she is projecting or something.

Plus, both of them made it seem like I was crazy. I just have not figured out the 2nd female yet. I tried to prompt her, because she is in now way treating me like just a friend. She is too possessive and too involved, not to mention to secretive and nervous when she sees me out to be friends. Friends are supposed to be the easiest people to talk to. It felt like with her we were going the right way, then she would make an excuse to push me away, but would want to be close to me after she pushed me away. Both of the mimicked my behavior as well. The 2nd one really did it though... .Like, an extremely creepy way though. I just do not know how I got shot down, but then she displayed the behavior she did. The fact that her coworkers were asking about me gives me an indication that they picked up something right away. But, she wanted to make sure to keep them away from me, but stay close to me and know the details of my life. When I asked female 2, she really acted like I was crazy. She said we are colleagues. But, by no means did she ever treat me as colleagues. I was her go to for her to complain, she ate food off of my plate, flirted, spied on me with my friends, wanted a say in my job search, hobbies, vacations... etc you name it. I mean, the girl literally looked up travel options to Iceland to see what I would be doing.  And no matter what topic I shared, she agreed. Example... .One day when we were watching a football game, I made a comment that sometimes it feels as though the NFL can be rigged (sorry for those that may be upset with that comment). Ten minutes later there was a sort of close call in a game and she said the team paid them off... It was really awkward, like she wanted me to know she agreed with me.

RUN!
but seriously, seems like all the signs are there, almost like stalking you to get as much of you as they can, win you over with the initial phase, want to control and have a say in virtually everything you do, or when they can't, belittle you and act as they are superior. My ex wanted to virtually run my life, and would tell me to do things, and it would eventually come out that she actually found that amusing. Like she thought men were stupid and she was superior. THat is not a natural relationship. She also wanted us to do everything together and even if I mentioned a hobby or doing something that didnt involve her, she would start to kick up fuss. Mine was very much like your first example, but I guess even though there are set patterns of behaviour, there will be variations in how it happens.

I couldn't quite figure this one out. The ex matched borderline to a T. Wanted absolute control over everything. The 2nd girl was just confusing. There were quite a few similarities though. I thought it was odd that she would not invite her friends around. Like, she did not want them to see. She said she is private with that sort of thing. But, she not only wanted to be around my friends, she sought them out. The 2nd girl was much more quiet. Honestly, part of me thought she may just have Asperger's and was unsure but I don't think that quite even matches it. I have read that BPD's can sometime mimic autism though. One major difference is that everybody loved the ex, yet behind closed doors she trashed everybody... .all of the time. That part was hidden and only I saw it, lucky me. With the 2nd female, a lot of people felt she was "off", but I think most people thought she was nice. Again, she trashed people quite a bit too. The fact that she straight up called her coworker a borderline makes me think she was projecting. She was not controlling my life, but I did not know if that would have changed if I would have been in a relationship with her. She definitely controlled the setting and when we hung out though, that is for sure.

I have had interest in a female that just wanted to be friends before, but the mannerism was different with this one. It felt like this one was grooming me to be something first, so she was keeping me around to see if I would meet her expectations later. She was not treating me like a friend, so I feel like I had every right to ask her why she is acting how she is, which turned into her make me sound like she clearly treated me as a colleague.

The fact that she made up the excuse to contact me about work, then texted and then restricted me makes me think she is unstable. I literally did nothing. The email was about "work", so I answered that. The text was about my trip to NYC, so I answered that. There was no reason for her to restrict me, so that I cannot see her stuff or anything. Yet, she can see mine. Back in August, I made a comment on her post. She commented about fantasy football season started, so I commented that I was looking forward to it. That was literally the only thing I posted and she deleted the entire post. So, I never posted anything after that, because of her reaction. I found that to be really weird. Like, I was a secret.

But, when she restricted me on facebook, that is when I really just had that same feeling I did with the borderline ex. Like, she was ticked off at me because she wanted my attention and wanted me to invite her to things, so she restricted me because I did not and will not again. Does this make sense?

I dont know, my X had no friends at all only her x who lived across the road, and she was still controlling and using him (who she accused of playing mind games).

She blocked me on FB only a few months into our 'relationship' after accusing me of talking to other women, and not being happy with making our bond public. I did announce it to show her I meant it, to appease her, but it had the opposite affect.

That part makes a lot of sense here. I didn't announce anything, but I did ask her and question her why she was not treating me like a friend. If I am a friend, I want her to treat me like that. However, she was treating me in some weird way. She had absolute control of when she went based on if she wanted to go that day or not. If she wanted to go, she would invite herself. It was always on her terms. Yet, she wanted to hang out with my friends, which usually involved me being the topic of discussion. Why would she do that? When she was there, she treated me like more than a friend. I noticed. My coworker that was there a lot noticed.  My other coworkers that were around from time to time noticed. Heck, the waitress noticed. When I brought it up, it was like she was mad that I brought it up and like I was the crazy one. Which is why I think she did not want any of her friends around, so they would be in the dark too. Otherwise, if we are just colleagues or friends, it makes no sense to be so secretive in public. I think she got ticked because I asked her what was going on, so she restricted me from being able to write on her facebook because of paranoia or something. I wouldn't have written anything like that on there anyhow. It is just so odd.

Is that a common passive aggressive tactic for a BPD?... .I stop communicating with her, so she finds a way to use work as an excuse to email me? Then, block me to get a reaction?

Sounds like you might be the guy on the side... .

If she's confusing, secretive, possessive - LEAVE! Seriously - there are so many girls out there. There are so many red flags this early - i can't imagine you having a great relationship. You don't need complicated. Find someone open, fun and honest and avoid all the crazy.

I agree with Arleigh... .all this going on before getting into a real relationship is exhausting.  I don't know if you have read many of the stories on here, if not please do.  They are heartbreaking, trust me, you don't want to be in a relationship with someone who has already caused so much drama, plus there are a ton of red flags... .find someone who is worthy of you, this girl isn't.

Hi JaxWest,

*welcome*

That is some strange behavior. I can see why you'd question it, especially since you have had experience with dating someone with BPD. Regardless of labels, this colleague seems to have some concerning ways of relating, which would have made me uncomfortable, too.

It looks like you stopped inviting her to things and she has blocked you on FB. Do I have that right?

Going forward, do you plan on being friendly with her at work, but just not see her outside of your professional sphere? Are you communicating at all ?

Obviously, we can't diagnose anyone from afar, so we won't be able to answer your question about BPD. What we can do is support you in dealing with this behavior and your own reactions to it.  |iiii

Keep posting and let us know how we can best support you.

heartandwhole

I am not communicating with her anymore. I have not hung out with her since January 8th. That is the day she seemed to get nervous about her coworker seeing her with me. I had the conversation with her on January 12th where I asked her about these strange things. So, I am having very limited conversations with her. I did not invite her to anything after that, so she emailed me about "work" around February 8th. I responded, she texted me about my NYC trip the next day, then restricted me (not blocked) on facebook, which makes it strange. Despite her restricting me, I have a feeling she is not done.

I do not work with her much at all for my job, so I do not see her much typically. I will see her on campus a lot in June. However, this week, I have two campus wide meetings and I will likely see her Thursday and Friday, but should be able to keep my distance. If she invites me to anything, I will decline. I definitely will not be alone with her, because that is when she seems to act the most possessive of me. When we are alone, that is generally when she does things that under normal circumstances I would think would be the time to make a move and ask her out, which probably won't help the confidence moving forward.

I have some paranoia, because the ex found me after I tried to ditch communication. All of a sudden she wanted to be friends with my friends (even though she said right away she could not stand them). I am worried about this female trying to the same. She has tried to hang out with 3 of my coworkers. Luckily, almost all of them think she is strange. I do have one coworker that is very immature and thinks I just misread stuff (despite never having been around the two of us, like the others have). She has defended everything. She doesn't think the fact that she looked up my travel information to Iceland is odd... .Even though she was oddly and eerily specific. She thinks this female likes her too, but this female has made fun of her and said she can't stand being around her and won't be around her. Yet, I have the odd feeling that if this coworker invites her to anything now, she may go.

The BPD ex went for my reputation. She kept wanting to get me alone after we ended things. I was out of town a lot then because my dad was sick with cancer, so I could not go to a lot of things. I found it weird that she kept wanting to get me alone though. As it turns out, when I confronted her about her behavior, that is when she went after my reputation and made some claims about me that were not true. I am afraid of something similar to that happening to this female. I do know she has claimed her ex was mistreating her, but I somehow do not know if that is true anymore.

I justified things with this female. I kept telling myself she was just shy and introverted, that is why she was acting that way. It doesn't fit though. I am shy, but do not act like this. It literally feels like talking to a different person sometimes. I agree it is not worth talking to her anymore. I deserve better than her. In some ways, this female was even stranger than the ex. I could explain her behavior as BPD. This one, I can't tell if it is really BPD or not. But, I feel like she is probably saying some untrue things about me. She was so secretive the whole time we talked, but somehow knew so much about my stuff.

Agree... I don't want to go through that, so it is probably a blessing that I called her out already. My friends were surprised I did, because that is something I struggle with. Unfortunately, bot the BPD ex and this female both hit me when I was vulnerable. The ex was in the picture when my dad was dying from cancer. This one came after my mom had a massive stroke and became paralyzed. So, in both cases, I was more depressed, lonely and forgiving. Not a good combination.

When things ended with the BPD, I felt like I was losing my mind. The mind games were horrible. It took so much time to get over what happened. Right now, the same thing is happening. I didn't even date this girl, but I am just so lost with what happened, that I can't stop thinking about what happened. I keep trying to figure out what I did wrong. As my counselor put it, that is the difference between her and I. I wanted to improve and know what I can do different. She did not care.

JaxWest,

You have been through so much with your parents. I'm sorry.  I lost my dad just before the breakup with pwBPD. I totally know what you mean about feeling vulnerable during times like you've been through.

I'm glad you hear that you are seeing a counselor. It is so important to get support at times like this. Surround yourself with friends who care and people who want good things for you.

Do you see your mom often?

heartandwhole

I see my mom every 2 weeks or so. She moved in with my sister (a few hours away) now so she could be around her grandchildren. She has home healthcare there about every day to work on therapy, baths or etc. Since she lived alone, we did not find her right away after the stroke. I called her the night before and my brother spoke to her the morning of her stroke. So, we did not know what was going on until I could not reach her by phone the next day. She is permanently paralyzed and gets confused easily.

Anybody else have that period of just not being able to move past the "what just happened" phase? I am still stuck on that. I have had relationships end, hurt, but you can move past it. I didn't even have a relationship with this one, but I am still stuck on trying to figure out what happened. I am not upset that it didn't work out. I am grateful. But, angry, because I don't think she thinks she did anything wrong. I mean, she made it sound like she did nothing to give me the impression we were just colleagues as she put it. I have never seen somebody so secretive about hanging out with a colleague or hide a friendship to the level she did. And, I have never seen it where I had to do all of the inviting for hanging out, her give a weird response... .then, want to be invited when she was not invited and want access to my friends like she did. She did not want her friends/coworkers to see how she reacted around me.

I have thought about that. She appears to be very shy and inexperienced in that area, so I don't know if she even dated much. I just know she never treated me like a colleague or a friend. Sometimes, she wanted to hang, other times not. I had to initiate meetings, but total control was up to her on if she would or would not go. If I stopped, she then sought me out and the cycle continued.