BPDFamily.com

I'm usually very careful about shutting down and logging off, but I forgot to the other night when running an errand for 10 mins.  (well... .except for forgetting to browse Amazon books in Incognito mode).  She found an email I'd sent to my parents saying that I'm wondering if she might have BPD.   She lost it on me.

Really sad thing is that I had invited her to come with me on a business trip.  We were having a good time on the trip last week - reconnecting which was great, then I came back to hotel on second night to find her packing her bag after she read this.   She left in a rage and went home.

She sent me vicious texts.  She feels extremely betrayed, embarrassed and humiliated.  Told me not to come home and I haven't been home since (except to pick up a few things).

We went to therapy yesterday and I was hopeful that we could work through some things, but she is so heartbroken, so angry.

She is Type 1 Diabetic too and knows that she is emotionally dsyregulated quite often, but blames it on her blood sugar swings.  That is definitely a factor for sure and maybe it is manifest in very similar mood swings as BPD - not sure... .

Anyway - I explained in therapy that I'm not trying to diagnose her, but that I'm just searching for anything that might help us have a better relationship.   That did not go over well either.

She berated me and called me every name in the book on the way home.  Said she can never be around my family now. Said that I was so stupid how that label will never be erased from my parent's minds, and that they will always judge her.  I tried to explain that no one is judging her and won't, but pretty much just let her rage and stayed calm and apologized for her embarrassment.

I'm in temporary living situation for some time (since she asked me to leave).
She is home with kids - they are OK and continuing school, activities, etc.

LOOKING FOR IDEAS ON HOW TO RECOVER FROM THIS.

She wants me to do more research on "mood and diabetes", and share with my parents -  which I think is a good start. 

Any other ideas?

Did you validate her feelings of being humiliated, betrayed, angry, heartbroken and embarrassed? Can you see how she would feel that way?


Telling her that no one is judging her, after she told you that she felt judged, might have been perceived as invalidating. She felt that she has been labeled and judged. If she does suffer from BPD, then her feelings are her reality. By telling her that no one is judging her, you are telling her that her reality is wrong.

Based on what you wrote, she gave you a lot to work with. You were given insight into what she is/was feeling. You don't need to agree with her feelings, but accepting that she feels that way will go a long way to helping. We all feel things, others may not understand why we feel as we do, or agree that we should feel what we feel, but it isn't their place to tell us that our feelings are invalid. When we do that to someone else, we are, in fact, judging them. Because pwBPD feel emotions more intensely, the effect is magnified.

Do you think that it would help, at this point, if you validated her feelings? Let her know that you are hearing what she is telling you and allow her to openly discuss how she's feeling without interjecting your own thoughts and feelings? Listen with Empathy (https://bpdfamily.com/content/listen-with-empathy) is the first step in not invalidating others.

I know how hard it is to slow down and listen when being the focus of the rage. I failed so many times when I was trying to learn the skills taught here. It's natural because we feel attacked and thus the need to defend ourselves.

What might have been happening though is that she felt shamed and imperfect. Because it's so very hard for pwBPD traits to deal with those emotions, she probably was projecting onto you by telling you that you betrayed, judged, embarrassed, and humiliated her.

What do you think?

Hi Melli
Thanks for weighing in.  You are right.  I can see how she would feel that way.

She did give me quite a bit to work with and I tried to validate some of those things, but I can see what you are saying - that telling her that no one is judging her (after she just told me she felt judged and humiliated) was definitely invalidating.

Right now, I need to work on a lot of validation.  It is so hard when being attacked.

Yes, it's very hard to work on validation when feeling attacked. It's hard enough to constantly be validating at the best of times until it becomes natural to us. For now, it may be best to work on not being invalidating.

There are a lot of things that we say, innocently, that are invalidating. I was shocked when I read Validation Skill - Stop Invalidating Others (https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-dont-be-invalidating) to learn how many things that I say are invalidating. There's a long, albeit not all-inclusive, list of invalidating phrases that are fairly common in the lesson.

The other thing that I had to learn was that our body language (sighing, eye-rolling, defensive posture, etc) can be just as invalidating.

As I said, it's hard when it is not natural to us. Keep learning and practicing until it is second-nature for you.