BPDFamily.com

Wow hi everyone!
I wonder where this site has been the last 12 years of My life.

This is the first time i ever speak (write) about our situation.

So it's 12 years since i met My wife, we were only 17 so she is My first and only real relationship. We always argued a LOT and i were always thinking that this is how it is and we are just young and it Will be better. It didn't.

First i will mention that i'm not sure of it's really BPD but after Reading stories here and some books a lot is the description of her behaviour.

She has for a long time been really mean verbually and called me all sort of things, every single thing, Every discussion is My fault and she never Done anything wrong. Same for people around us, everyone is idiots except her.

When we started dating ger parents were in the middle of a divorce that wasn't pretty and this was real tough for her. She Told me she needed me, i was the only one that understod her. This isolated me from all My friends and a Guy that always were the central meeting point among all friends now got none left.

After about 3 years she started to be physical against me with punches and kicks and spitting. I wanted to leave but she needed me.
Now this has been ongoing for such a long time and ive become depressed. I met a terapist and got some medication but that only lasted for 1 month until she in one fight took the pills and flushed them in the toilett and Told me that i could be depressed My sick f*ck.

So now with two small kids a just feel this can't go on but it feels like i'm not able to get away and i don't know what to do.

So this was some short stuff about My situation and i Will try to write plenty more now when i finally found a place with people experienced similar things.

Thank you.

You have a pretty tough situation; mine is similar, although we've only been married 4 years (together 5 overall).  And my wife has never been physically abusive toward me.

BPD is a spectrum... .not every sufferer has it to the extreme, or manifests it the same.  you should read the reference materials on this site.  I recall there are 10 common behaviors of BPD, and pwBPD (also look up the acronyms commonly used here) may display some or all of them.  see if she meets those.

There are coping strategies to deal with some of the Common behaviors also detailed here; while nothing can typically promote real long term change in a pwBPD, you can at least reduce the intensity of the conflict, or at least sidestep a lot of it.

that's what I've learned so far.

also don't take the things the pwBPD does and says personally; realize you're essentially dealing with an adult who has the emotional intelligence of a 2/3 year old.  you need to learn to manage their outburts, but trying to address their irrational complaints at face value, or respond to them logically is an exercise in futility.

I'd also add BPD often comes from being abandoned, neglected, or abused in childhood, resulting in an inability to develope emotionally.  there's also evidence it's inherited.

Thank you so much for you answer. I Will look at as much material as possible on this site.

And the quoted part is 100% accurate and something she is struggling with now and I guess that is some of the rage she is aiming against me.

ANL,

Welcome - you have found the right place, with a knowledgable and caring community.

Does your wife use a lot of absolutes during the arguing? Always/Never, Everyone/Nobody, Everything/Nothing,?   This was the single aspect that led me to search for reason, and it let me to "Black and White Thinking", then "Splitting", and then BPD.  And then it all started to make sense to me... .

Yes she does that quite often. And when we are in an argument it feels like she enters a "zone" where nothing i say comes through and very often when i ask her why she said this or that she say that she didn't and i'm a liar.

She can't stand that i have My own opinion and that it differs from hers. She can argue for hours until i apologies and promise i now think the way she do.