BPDFamily.com

One of the most intense, frustrating, hard-to-deal-with things about my relationship with uBPDw is the way she can play on my emotions. I'm almost certain that she does this automatically without really trying.

Here's an example:
uBPDw wakes up, panicked, thinking I must be going behind her back. The specific thing I'm accused of doing is unimportant. What's important is that she's convinced I've abandoned her. Classic BPD fear/trait.

The hardest part is when she starts saying "BUT I LOVE YOU! WHY WON'T YOU LET ME IN!" She sends little emoticons of hearts via text. She puts her hand on my heart. Etc, etc, etc.

What's the best way to handle this? I feel like I'm being cold as ice if I don't respond but at the same time I can't ever find the right words to reassure her. Saying I'm NOT going behind her back doesn't help. And to be honest, sometimes I AM going behind her back - but not in the way or for the reason she thinks / fears.

What do I do here?

DB

This is likely some unconscious manipulation of you, trying to establish a connection with you, gain security.  The changes you've made in the way you feel, think and the way you deal with her are probably causing her unrest.  Her previous ways of dealing with you are becoming less effective.  Almost like when the keyboard isn’t working and we unconsciously just keep pressing the keys---hey what’s going on—and think it will all of a sudden work again.

In situations like you describe, I just listen. Less talk on my part the better. If attacks occur against me, or if other aberrant behavior occurs, the listening ends and I remove myself or start documenting if I’m prevented from leaving.  If attacks stop, I listen again.  This patterns needs to be reinforced, so there is no doubt what is going to happen, even if she threatens to plunge knitting needles in her eyes.   It need to be established that that kind of behavior is ineffective for her.  I will validate the positive or reasonable feels and behaviors.  I definitely do not validate, support, promise, or say anything that can be construed as these things which I do not want or really don’t support.

At the end of the day, my W is mentally ill and I am basically the one responsible for the family, so I don’t worry too much about or apologize for doing things behind backs or in the dark or strong handedly or whatever if I think it is best done that way for the best.

@teapay - quick question(s) -
1. Does your W acknowledge her BPD? and more importantly
2. Would it change the way you go about your daily life (e.g., just doing what needs to be done because you know it's for the best)?

My W knows she has BPD, although she prefers to look at it as some kind of trauma related illness that has similarities with BPD (It’s BPD).
Knowing she has BPD doesn’t impact the way I operate regarding the important stuff, such as the things that can impact me and the family members negatively.  Now I know better and I know her thinking is flawed.  For that stuff I use my rational judgment and what ever leverage I have in the relationship to do what is healthy for me and the family members in our current circumstances.  I don’t let the disease, or my prior personal weaknesses to address appropriately, sway me since I understand what is going on now.  Unimportant stuff or things that are hers and don’t impact the family are different.  I can validate and encourage more in those areas.