BPDFamily.com

Exactly a year ago I was in a tumoultuos relationship with an untreated BPD. Until six months ago I called him out for something he did that hurt and he lashed out on me, called me all the names he could come up with. Made it clear that he hated me. Never saw that side of him. I decided after that incident I wanted nothing to do with him. Seven months later I am in a much better place. Still hurt (angry at myself) by the hell ride he put through. I realized he is everything I don't want in a life partner.  We never spoke again and I highly doubt I will ever talk to him again. However the other day I came across with an Private album on Facebook (he unfriended me) of us on a beach day. I am surprised he has not deleted that album if he hates me so much and I was so "awful" to him. I know at this point it doesn't matter (although I wish he would take them down but I can't ask him cause he will do the opposite)  but why would he keep those pics ? after everything that happened. He is always uploading  and updating his profile pics so he runs into that album for sure. I can't delete them since he was the creator of the album (I'm just a contributor). I've heard a lot of BPD's apply Out of sight out of mind, but he would always talk about his exes with me. I'm sure he knows the amount of pain that he has caused me because he takes guilt very seriously.

So bottom line I know none of you can give me the answer I'm looking for,and its probably a weird post I'm writing. But I would appreciate your feedback specially from a BPD's Point of view.

Thank you.

well, my ex used to talk openly with me about how she felt in a lot of cases so i can give you what she told me about that.

The out of sight out of mind thing is real according to her. There was this day she went to a club where she would swim with her friends. 3 hours later she messages me and says, " wow i was worried that i would pickup my phone and you would be going crazy looking after me, i guess you don't care about me at all"
i responded "honey, i knew you were swimming, you told me so, i just went to do other things while you were at it."

and she responded "well, its because when we spent that much time without communicating i forget we are together, i just dont remember you, its like if a i don't see a chat with your name or you yourself, you don't exist".

After that something similar happened  that lead to our break up. We had to spend 2 weeks apart, and she was distancing more and more everyday and suddenly stopped craving for attention. She broke up with me and said.

"we were apart and i forgot we were together, we weren't talking so much ( i will add here that we were talking everyday, but not every hour anymore ) and i became emotionally connected with other people that responded my messages and that i could see every time in person."

So, she wwas pretty open with me about the out of sigh, one day she explained to me that if she doesn't see the person or talk to the person, photos or gifts doesn't matter since she cant relate those with any memories anymore.

hi Life as Iknewit, and *welcome*

what you are referring to is a struggle with something called "object permanence", and it is true that people with BPD are limited in that regard. im not sure "out of sight, out of mind" is meant to be taken 100% literally... .likely you were contacted plenty of times when you werent face to face, no?

generally, when a person is feeling lonely, they conjure mental images and memories of loved ones to self soothe. people with BPD struggle to do this. clingy behavior when you are not face to face is common. the use of transitional objects (clothing, stuffed animals, relationship memorabilia) to soothe is common.

more on object constancy, object permanence, and transitional objects here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=70884.0

and "sometimes a cigar is just a cigar". i still have some photos up of my ex. is it bothering you that he has these pictures up?

Hello Once removed,

Thank you for your response. There was non stop communication from him within days after two of the three times he broke up with me within a 4 month period. He would act as if nothing happened and would lead me on to believe that everything was okay. When I saw his true colors, I called him out he lashed out on me, yelling and calling me awful names. Thats when I realized I dodged a bullet by having him out of my life.

You are right "sometimes a cigar is just a cigar", but to answer your question yes It kinda did bothered me when I realized those pics are still on my Facebook albums. I think it has more to do with the fact that I cannot delete them (Facebook Rules: He created the private album only he can take it down and take me out of it.)  Some people still have pics with their exes on fb even after the relationship is no more. Me on the other hand I deleted every reminder of him 7 months ago due to how hurt and betrayed I felt. During and after the relationship ended he unfriended me at least 4 times, thats why I don't understand why keep pictures of someone you " loath" so much ( his words to be precise). But I guess each person has their own ways to dealing with obstacles.

You have to look at the BPD for what they are: an emotionally stunted and frightened child trying to survive (but in an adult's body). It's pretty horrifying when you think of it.
So it's not that they don't think of you when you are not around. It's just that when you are not around they have always found a replacement to grasp on to to quell their fear of abandonment. But once they run their course with that person they long for you OR find another.
So basically you are there for their purposes. They don't miss us in the true organic sense, they miss how we made them feel.