BPDFamily.com

Just when I thought things were looking up - I came home and my HwBPD and my mother were actually watching a movie together, being friendly, and talking, and he'd been out all day running errands, instead of wallowing in bed - things went sour really quickly. We were all sitting around the table, having pleasant conversation, talking and laughing, and then my H brought up politics. My parents and he have different political views. My father said something that offended him, and then H started shouting. I tried to intervene and shut down the conversation, but H just became more angry and put on his coat, and started out the door. I followed him out because he's threatened suicide before in these kinds of situations, and I insisted on sitting in the car with him.

Then, he started calling my father expletives, and I admit, I could not keep my cool. We both were screaming, I was shaking, crying. It was a complete mess. He kept trying to force my hand to move out, even though I told him that I couldn't afford to right now. I told him that, if he wanted to move, he could start earning money to help me pay off my debts. He said he would try, but we'll see.

I'm so distraught. My mother was crying over the situation this morning. I'm bringing drama into my otherwise very peaceful and loving family. Part of me thinks that I should just move out and give him what he wants, but I know that I will never pay down my debt because he has very expensive taste and won't work consistently at anything. The other alternative is just to call "uncle" and give up on this marriage, reclaim my life, and get some sanity back. I feel like I've tried, I've given everything I have. He is completely unwilling to meet me in the middle on anything, and just sulks and rages until he gets his way, every single time. I can't do this anymore. I feel like, if we have another screaming blowout, I'm going to break down. I can't. I just can't.

What I'm wondering is: what are you getting out of this relationship?

He's angry and abusive to you and your parents. He's unwilling to work or do things for himself. He manipulates through suicide threats.

What value is he bringing to your life, if any?

Hmmm... .reexamine a goal here?

The two of you moved in with your parents to save money and reduce debts so you could buy a house together.

In your shoes, I wouldn't consider getting a mortgage with your husband right now--he's not being a responsible partner (financially) you can trust--If you did manage to do it, I'd expect him to blow things up financially with his expensive tastes, and you might well lose the house.

In addition, there is so much conflict between the two of you that a divorce seems possible, and this would just make splitting more of a mess.

I'd suggest you write that goal (buying a house with him) off, perhaps to reconsider it in a year or two.

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If you aren't going to buy property soon, what options do you have for living?

* Living with your parents -- saves money, but the conflict is getting to you.
* Living in an apartment with him -- Will take your parents out of the conflict, but may not reduce it with him. Or maybe it will?
* Splitting up with him, staying with your parents and kicking him out.
* Splitting up with him, kicking him out, and getting your own apartment

I'm sure you are scared of all these options, but think about what you can do--you still have a choice.

I'm definitely NOT planning on getting a house with him at this stage of the game, with things so volatile.

I think that Grey's options are spot on:

* Living with your parents -- saves money, but the conflict is getting to you.
* Living in an apartment with him -- Will take your parents out of the conflict, but may not reduce it with him. Or maybe it will?
* Splitting up with him, staying with your parents and kicking him out.
* Splitting up with him, kicking him out, and getting your own apartment

Option 1 won't be sustainable for me. Option 4 isn't doing me any good in the immediate moment. So, I'm left with 2 and 3.

Option 2 won't end the conflict with him. Maybe for a little while, as he'll feel "relieved" that he won't have to split me with my parents any longer. However, he was prone to wallowing in bed when we lived in an apartment before, and we still had HUGE blowouts over politics.

Option 3 seems like it's in my best interest, but, as you said, it's scary. What am I afraid of? First, I'm afraid of the consequences of actually doing the breaking up. Will he kill himself? Make me feel like I'm a monster? And, then there's the fact that I do love him, in spite of everything, and the pain of actually doing the breaking up will be excruciating, even if I know that it would be better, probably, for both of us.

I don't feel strong enough to end it right now, but I don't want to spend the rest of my life like this either. So, do I try Option 2, and just see how things go, and maybe even apply conditions to it, such as him finding regular work? I don't know.

My ex-husband held me hostage with his suicide threats. When I finally had had enough and decided to end the marriage, the guy living across the road committed suicide. In no way was it connected, but it was a reminder that these things do happen. Ultimately I made the gun we owned disappear and endured yet another suicide threat. I called a suicide hot line and asked how to deal with it and was told to ask lots of questions about exactly what he planned to do. So I did. I had recently buried my father so I asked my soon-to-be-ex all those funeral type questions like burial or cremation, if he wanted to be embalmed so that his mother and sisters could view his body, etc.

He was so utterly shocked at my matter-of-fact attitude that he never again threatened suicide. However some months later his new girlfriend confided that he was threatening her with suicide. Old habits die hard, I guess.

I'd suggest you examine the option of moving into an apartment with him from a financial worst case scenario:

Assume that he won't get a job that brings in regular money.
Assume that he will spend what money he has access to no better than he has before. (aka not very responsibly)

If he's broke I don't know how much spending money you give him, or whether you give him access to a joint accounts, or what he spends from them... .
... .again, assume he will continue the same as before.

If YOU can change and aren't going to give him money / subsidize him the way you used to, take that in account with your budget.

And work that out as a budget, along with your debt payments, and see if you think moving into an apartment makes sense--as something you can swing on your own.

If he starts contributing more, consider that a bonus.

This is good advice for any relationship - not just a disordered relationship.

Hope for the best... .prepare for the worst.

Update: Both bad news and good news. The bad news is that he has gotten worse, to the point where he is even more depressed, and his anxiety has gotten so bad, he wont' leave the room until my parents have both gone to bed. The good news is that he finally agreed to do a video call with a therapist, so that will be going on this evening. I hope that it will do even a little bit of good and help him get out of bed. This is a huge breakthrough for him though, as he's refused to get help for the past six months.

If he can continue therapy, maybe the urgency to move won't be as strong.

Yes, his willingness to try therapy is a good sign. It is a first step.

That said, there is no guarantee that there will be a second step.

Think about what you will do if he stays the same, or gets worse. Even if he is talking to a therapist--that is a tool that can help him improve his behavior, but what is so hard on you is his behavior, not whether he talks to a therapist... .

Do not take responsibility for his suicide threats. Here's how I handled them from my wife.

Our county has a mental health emergency line. I called them when she threatened suicide. They spoke to her to determine if she was serious and they needed to send a team out. I made it clear that this was the step I was going to take whenever she made those threats -- to bring in professional help. Since she wanted my attention, not the attention of professionals, the threats stopped.

I took the same approach as Flourdust with my exH (not my BPDex whom I usually post about here) and had the same changed behavior as a result. He wanted a response from me, not professionals. Yet I was not ignoring.

Do you notice how the hook that the suicide threats have for you prompted you to follow him when he left and get pulled into a really tough conversation? Next time, maybe let him go. You don't need to save him from himself, or rather, you can't.

Yes, that's exactly what I've been doing. It's hard to stop myself from following after him, because he KNOWS how to push my buttons to get me to follow him. I have to practice resisting the urge in the heat of the moment.