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On going break up for last 4 months.  Tried NC, then lulled back in,  he's "going to fix everything". I pushed for just friends because I did care and didn't want to be just another person that abandoned him. With every setback (for him), every time I told him it was over,  we talked,  he was upset but Ok, I feel Ok. Then... .within a day,  the nasty emails, texts, calls start fast and continue endlessly. Crazy accusations,  of course fantastic and untrue, verbal abuse, threats (non physical, but still very upsetting). I block everything, followed a few days later, by the charms, apologies to get me back. I have endured so much emotional abuse, name calling,  accused of horrible things.  It's maddening and of course you can't reason,  it's all very true to them no matter how much you can "prove" is false.   And you can't accept that after years together they could think that if you.  And me wanting to "fix" that before the end, wanting a peaceful end kept me breaking the NC. I just can't let it go,  leave it with him believing those all things.

Anyway,  I finally had enough and NC is back on.  The difference this time is I'm trying to accept that there is no positive resolutions.  I am now the evil one forever,  he will forget or deny all the good. But of course he doesn't respect the NC, even though I have been crystal clear. Called me from brothers house yesterday and told me he "knows for a fact" the handwritten list I gave him of why we are not ever going to be together was a copy of his therapists notes that I added my  notes to before I gave to him.  He "knows" the therapist gave them to me because he saw him write the same notes and that I'm working with the therapist and his ex wifes lawyer to get him to kill himself. Now He says he has hired a pi and a lawyer and he's going to find out the truth I'm hiding,  get "us", and ruin us, and is suing the therapist using my list as proof of this Breach of privacy by therapist. His lawyer looked at the list and agrees is 2 different handwriting that proves everything and I'm a sociopathic liar.   And if therapist doesn't "roll over" or lies about the list,  he's going to have me supeonaed and I better stop lying about it "or else" (implied threats of messing with my family,  grown chosen,  mom). Well I don't know his therapist, but I assume he won't admit to something untrue so he's not going to "roll over", so now I'm terrified a supeona is going to show up at my work,  I'll get fired etc... .I know these are all games the BPD plays,  lies, fabrications to keep me engaged but he is so angry and determined and convincing, I think he may really have a lawyer. I know he truly believes without a doubt in his mind that what he says is true.  I don't know what to do,  I'm afraid all the time. I'm sticking to NC now but he gets around it,  the things he says are so upsetting And I now have anxiety all the time,  I had to get meds.  He makes obscure cryptic statements that are vaguely threatening so I am always on gaurd, still.  Help.

Welcome Crushedbyac:   

I'm so sorry you are going through this.  It has to be very stressful for you. 


Unless he has a lot of available cash or credit cards to run up bills, he is just making threats. Lawyers are expensive, generally want you to put a few thousand dollars in the kitty to start anything on behalf of a client (at least in this type of situation).  You might want to make sure you aren't jointly on any of his credit cards.

Based on your comments, he is likely trying to scare and intimidate you. My uBPD sister lawyered up regarding a co-trustee situation (after she went off the rails).  I've answered several lawyer letters using the BIFF RESPONSE  (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=133835.0)

If you did end up getting a letter from a lawyer, on behalf of your partner, you can initially just write your own letter in response. It can be like a poker game, with a lot of bluffing going on. Lawyers aren't necessarily honest.  They will tell you they are going to court, make various demands with due dates, etc.  The reality is, their clients usually needs to fork over thousands of dollars to go to court.  Most lawyers will take any case a client can pay for.  It doesn't sound that your partner would likely acquire lawyer's service on a contingency basis.

This situation would likely be a ways down the road, if it were ever to happen. If someone showed up at your work to serve a subpoena, why would that cause you to get fired?  People get subpoenas for various reasons.  No one needs to know what it is about.  People get served for the purpose of divorce, witness to something, etc.

If it were to happen, I'm thinking that it will likely bother you, but it shouldn't affect your job and that the thought of it is a lot more disturbing than receiving it.

I doubt he has an attorney for this.  If he has or will get an attorney, it will come to light that your partner is mentally unstable.  The lawyer may take it to a point to get money.  The therapist likely has malpractice insurance and would provide evidence of your partner's mental health issues and fight any allegations.

How is he getting around it?  If he won't stop harassing you, you may need to push back with a restraining order.  Depending on where you live, courts can have resources to support you to file a restraining order on your own.  I looked into this once and did some research at the website for my local Superior Court.


Has he ever been physically abusive or do you fear that he is capable of that? Do you have family and friends for support?  Perhaps some therapy could help you right now?

Do you have some things you are doing to reduce your stress?  I'll offer a few options that you might find helpful.

IMPROVE THE MOMENT WORKSHEET
www.dbtselfhelp.com/html/improve_the_moment_worksheet.html

PANIC LIST
www.dbtselfhelp.com/html/panic_list.html

12 minute Thought Stream Meditation with Dr. Mike Dow
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N0Lo5tUXkVI

Breathing: Three Exercises - Dr. Weil
www.drweil.com/drw/u/ART00521/three-breathing-exercises.html

Finding Alternative Thoughts
www.dbtselfhelp.com/FindingAlternativeThoughts.pdf

MINDFULNESS EXERCISE - FROM BOOK" HAPPINESS TRAP"
https://www.thehappinesstrap.com/upimages/Informal_Mindfulness_Exercises.pdf

Thank you so much for your reply.  It's so helpful just to get reassurance since sometimes I feel like I am losing my mind and scared all the time.  No he hasn't ever been physical but the emotional torment and threats to contact, harass family members etc are more than enough to cause unbearable stress,  but then again,  one never knows how far the BPD will go when faced with the end of the recycling, and is definately over. I know you are right and thank you for the reality check,  I needed that most of all.  Just trying to be strong and resist the pleas when they come,  and we know they will.  <sigh>.

Hi again Crushedbyac:  

If you find yourself worrying or ruminating on certain things, one mental exercise is to schedule a 30-minute period each day to dedicate to worrying.  This exercise doesn't require extensive journaling, just making a brief list.  When bothersome thoughts enter your mind during the day, write them down.  After they are on the list, make every effort to NOT think about your ruminations until the appointed time. Eventually, you will need less worry time. This exercise can be found in the book, "The Worry Cure",
by Robert Leahy

During your worry time, you might want to list put some of the worries into perspective. i.e. Even if a process server showed up at work, it would be a month or 2 down the road and it would be better than my ex showing up. Or, he doesn't have the money to spend on a frivolous law suit.

The information at the following link can be helpful:

MEMORY MGMT. - RUMINATIONS  (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=103393.0;all)

I offer these two links below, as it is best to be prepared for possible problems. You mentioned your ex thought others were trying to get him to kill himself. The Safety First link has info for safety plans for possible domestic violence and suicide.  The more that you prepare for, the better off you will be. It should give you some confidence that you are prepared and help tame the worry.

SUICIDE IDEATION IN OTHERS (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=79032.0)

SAFETY FIRST (https://bpdfamily.com/pdfs/safety_first.pdf)

Crushedbyac,



Welcome to BPD Family.

It seems you've been through very stressful events. I've been threatened too a few times (by my ex) and even though we can't for sure know if these threats will be carried out it is still a very unsettling and unnerving experience.

You say he still gets through to you, despite your blocking everything. Could you please add some detail to this?

His threats and outrageous behaviour aside, how are you handling things? Is there any room for you to breathe and relax? A space of your own?

By 'deposed', are you referring to [your fears of] being fired?

Keep posting. We're here to give support.

/Keef

Hey crushedby, Most of the time, a pwBPD is just bluffing when it comes to threats like deposing you or sending you a subpoena.  Suggest you ignore him.  He's trying to manipulate you through F-O-G (fear, obligation and guilt).  In this case, mostly fear, I would say.  Suggest that you stay NC and don't fall for his attempts to twist your arm.  If you receive a subpoena, then you will need to see your lawyer.

LuckyJim

I work in Human Resources and you will not be fired for receiving a subpoena at work they come to our office all the time.  If the employee is at work we ask them to come pick it up, we give the employee and server an office to privately make the exchange and we never ask the employee what the subpoena is for.

If you are concerned about being served or that your ex could start harassing you at work you could be pro-active and talk with your boss or HR department let them know that you have an ex that has been making threats.

I made sure that my boss and everyone in my department was aware of my SO's uBPDxw.

Panda39

Thanks all for the support.  It is much appreciated and every bit helps give me to have better resolve and some piece of mind to hear others reiterated what I know to be most realistic.

He gets through to me by calling from new numbers that I don't know to block (friends, work cells, family), leaving messages, and also making new emails I haven't blocked (only one so far).  He texts from other cell phones and its nearly impossible to not see the text even tho I just delete it, some of the damage (increased anxiety) is done by it just being there, at least currently.  Then I start worrying about him showing up after work, etc, although he has never done that, with this NC being longer (forever!) than others, I don't really know how far he might go.

By 'deposed' I mean he is threatening to call me to be deposed by his attorney in his "therapist malpractice" law suit he claims to be filing.  He believes that I am in cahoots with his therapist and we are sharing notes and info to manipulate him.

I am a professional and work in a very, very small stuffy office.  I understand that a subpoena shouldn't affect my job, but I'm not sure they would look well on the 'disruption' so its a concern.  I have told our receptionist and a few other people here generally about someone threatening me and the NC so in case he shows up or calls.  I'm trying to build a big wall, but I'm still really afraid alot of the time.

Im doing ok, thank you.  We didn't live together.  I don't feel unsafe at work or home unless I'm alone, then I start to worry what-ifs. Its very hard to accept that someone you cared for and supposedly loved you can think these things about you.  I understand it from a psychological standpoint but the heart and emotions are a different animal.  I fantasize that somehow it can end and be over peacefully, respectfully and with care for each others well being.  That he will recognize what he has done, but I do know that is not possible and its hard to conceive.  Im a problem solver by nature (engineer) and my mind doesn't want to stop trying, it thinks 'there has to be a way... .'.  :/  I do appreciate the links and helpful articles.  I have started to try and apply some of them and it is helpful, thank you.