BPDFamily.com

My sister has BPD and last week revealed to me that my dad repeatedly 'molested' her. I had a psychologist appt. that week (for my anxiety and depression) and my psychologist decided to turn my dad in even though I told her I didnt know/think the allegations were true.
It just feels like one thing after another, I had finally felt like I was out from under her shadow and was starting to heal but now I'm right back at square one, plus I might lose my job because I told my manager I had a family emergency when I found out and she's mad and said I can't call in sick again otherwise I lose my job.
I talked with both my parents and my mum confronted my dad and since she works with abuse victims she said my dad didn't meet the profile of typical perpertrators and my sister that of a victim (also the time frames my sister said it happened in arent logical plus my bro and I were never abused)
I don't know how to relate to my sister right now, she keeps texting me to see what my parents are doing if my mum is gonna leave my dad etc. (Im the one who revealed it my mum after my therapist said she was turning my dad in) I love her and her kids but I dont know how to see her when she is just gonna pump me for information. Plus she truly believes my dad abused her, is it possible for BPD to hallucinate, (she said she'd always known she was abused as a kid and that recent flashbacks revealed it was my father)

Hi thehost1012,

This is a very complicated situation you are in. It is difficult to tell whether your sister is telling the truth or not. Some people with BPD make false accusations and sometimes remember things as true that did not happen, yet this is also the case with other supposedly non-disordered people.

Your sister revealed all of this to you last week, what was the context of her telling you this, how did it come about?

When you look back at past experiences with your sister, would you say she generally tells the truth about things? Has she ever made extreme accusations before that turned out not to be true?

Your mom confronted your dad and feels like both he and your sister don't fit the typical profiles. How did your dad respond to your sister's allegations about him?

Take care

It came about when I went over to resolve a fight I had with her and she told me she needed to tell me something. She cut my parents out of her life last september after reading a self-help book about toxic parents and Ive been finding it hard to be the messenger between them.

She does have a history of taking things out of context, for example calling my mum a drug addict for taking prescribed anti-depressants, or calling my brother a satanist because he wasn't christian and was a musician.

My Dad is worried about legal implications, he's a teacher and he's worried he'll lose his job, which they can't afford financially. He felt sorry for me having had to deal with it alone the past week. And then he went on a workout and cleaning spree to try and clear his mind.

Hello,

This sounds really tough for you. 
My husband makes false accusations when he dysregulates, he makes them about me to my face and also his mental health team. The first time he did this other than to me was in 2015. He was being managed at home by the mental health crisis team and told them that I was 'abusing him, stealing his medication, spending all his money and trying to control him.'
They sent around someone to investigate but he was calm when they came and he said he hadn't meant what he said. I sought legal advice in order to protect myself if it happened again. I was really shocked not that he had said it, but his care team believed him.

What can be so confusing about false accusations is in my experience with my husband there is often a tiny grain of truth bound up with the allegation. So I do manage his finances, his medication and a lot of the every day aspects of his life, but with his permission and consent. What is difficult is when he dysregulates and is out of control, is that he then perceives these things through a distorted, dysregulated emotional filter, that any form of limits, boundaries or conditions in his life are put there in order to abuse and control him. In that moment he completely believes that he is being violated and abused by me.

For me hopefully the professionals involved with your sister will have enough experience with BPD to be able to find out what has been happening and support your sister in finding the truth. Professionals are duty bound to investigate allegations of abuse.
 It has placed your whole family in a difficult and upsetting position. It will be important for you to protect yourself from the emotional fallout from this by thinking about how you want to deal with this with your sister as it moves forward.

Hi again thehost1021

Thanks for answering my questions. I think sweetheart makes a very important point about the distorted perception of people with BPD and how this can influence their behavior.

Do you feel like you have to be the messenger between your sister and parents? Are both sides perhaps in some way pressuring you to take up this role? (like the texts your sister keeps sending you about what your parents are doing)


When your sister told you that your dad repeatedly molested her, did she elaborate on this? Did she give any specifics about what she says your dad did to her and why she believes the behavior constitutes molestation?

This is a tough situation indeed and I am very sorry you are in the middle of it. Your sister was reading a self-help book, is she perhaps also getting any kind of targeted treatment for her BPD?

Take care and I encourage you to keep posting

I am also dealing with a sister who does not make crazy accusations like that, but she definitely has a way of weaving her point of view to her friends and other family members. 

She always turns to me as an advice giver, especially after I was accepted into a counseling program for a master's degree.  She would explain all of these details of her life to me.  Suddenly someone at work was being a straight-up ______ to her OR one of her boyfriend's friends were mean to her for absolutely no reason.  As always, I would give my time, energy, and advice for her to help her feel better.  I also believed her, because she was always the golden girl in the family.

Sure enough, perhaps it took a while, but eventually, she would suddenly give me the cold shoulder as if I had done something wrong.  Or I was just old news.  Her friends always had a different point of view of me, and in fact treated me that I was the weird one or enemy.  It took me much later in life to figure out that she was the one to set me up like this.  She only calls or texts when she wants something.  She is very much about herself.  Does your sister perhaps use you as a sounding board so her message to your mom and dad can be stronger? 

Toxic or BPD/npd people have the art of using and manipulating for something so specific to themselves.  You don't realize you are playing the game until it is too late.  For example, just a subtle one, my sister tries to extend her control by always being so charismatic to my friends, probably to do a check if I am in fact disclosing her nasty behaviors to them.  She will spend so much time with them at one of my events for my son's birthday, for example, but I will be the very last one that she greets.  The very last one to be acknowledged.  And she will verse things in such a way that makes me sound like I am difficult and she is a harmless doe in the woods. 

Disengaging is your most powerful tool.  Anytime my sister comes to me with a concern, sorrow, or big outburst of being down, I have to remind myself that it is a honeytrap.  She is so good at getting my emotions wrapped up for her behalf.  Immediately I step out of the rope loop, turn the problem back to her.  I say something like "I'm sorry you are feeling this, but I'm sure you can talk to ? yourself.  I was not there to hear it, so I'm not a very good judge on this." You see what I mean?  I almost throw myself under that I'm no good, and she would not want to use me.  I almost play dumb.  "I don't know," can sometimes be your best out. I feel for you and I will be posting on here more often because I tend to have a mom and sister that function as a team.

Hi host!

I second what MississippiGirl said about the smear campaign and complete manipulation. It took me a long time to realize what was going on, and it finally hit me when we started to get new friends and I didn't want them to meet my sister because I knew she would say horrible things about me. And she absolutely, totally believes they she is right and that what she says is true!

It's so difficult to be around, I'm sorry you're going through this. Firm boundaries will help you navigate the disregulation if you decide to keep a relationship with her. BPD/NPD are master-manipulators, it's how they've learned to get what they want (which of course changes all the time, but always focuses on themselves exclusively).

They are not able to love in the way fully-functioning people do. They are unable to even contemplate another person's feelings. Other are simply puppets in their play. It sounds like they're being cruel, but honestly they just don't have the ability to consider how what they say and do can crush another person. I've heard some people here describe it as being stuck emotionally around age 4-8... .In that context my BPD little sis's behavior makes more sense.

I've chosen to go from no contact to very, very limited contact, which seems to be the only way I can protect my own mental health. It's soo sad!

I'm glad you're here, you will find loving, kind and very smart support!
Best!
Charlie