BPDFamily.com

This week I felt like I had a bit of the lightness in my heart and mind that I'd lost years ago.  I felt kinder, funnier, more connected.   

That feeling came crashing down when my SO got angry at me being the person I remember myself being.  And I found myself apologizing for perceptions that weren't my intention, and the few days of feeling someone freer and lighter are now replaced with the feeling that it's not safe to be myself.   

I have locked myself away in service of trying to make things work.  I've suppressed my emotions, thoughts, hopes, and conversations because it becomes to painful to be open about anything.   Even trivial stuff. 

I'm pretty sure I used to be a kind, amusing, and decent person.  I'm not sure where that person went. 

mssalty,

First  . I'm sorry that you're going through this, and I understand some of what you're going through because of my own situation. My ex quickly shot down, argued with or demeaned everything he originally said he loved me for. All of a sudden I wasn't able to be me, and I fought against it most of them time, but some times I couldn't anymore. He's been gone for five months now, wants a divorce and has already moved on to someone new though he lied about doing so.

It's taken me a long time and a lot of help, and I still have a long ways to go, but here is some of the things I've learned that I hope can help you in rediscovering you and being able to be ok with you whether anyone else is or not.

First, baby steps. I wanted to leap ahead and it put me back, so remember to take it slow. It took you some time to get to this place and it will take you some time to get back.   Start with little things like asking yourself questions. Do you love yourself the way you are now? If not, why? If you don't feel like you can be yourself with your SO, then what relationship can you truly have together? My ex never took the time in eight years to get to know me. It all vanished after he married me and grew worse over the years. These last two years I've worked hard on trying to find me within the relationship and it hasn't been easy, but it's possible.

I can sometimes remember clearly who I was, and sometimes it's all murky. Look at pictures of yourself before being with your SO and specifically look at your eyes. Mine were so alive and clear. Right after he left, they were almost dead and I didn't see the difference until I happened upon an old pic I took while looking at my son's photos. I cried for her, for myself. It shows on people who have been worn down and I'm sure you'll see it.

Don't try to change everything all at once or you'll set yourself back. Just, if you can, take each baby step with determination that you can do this. If, little by little you change and your SO sees and actually appreciates and changes too, that's great. If not, that's when you'll have to make a decision. But, for now, try to work on accepting and believing that you are the person that you felt for those few beautiful days.

I don't know you personally, but I feel for you as though I do. It's painful living that life and it's painful trying to heal from that life. Nothing I've said is a mandate, just my personal experience. I'm sure others will have better advice, but I wanted you to know that you're not alone and you don't have to miss yourself, you can be yourself.  :)

Purekalm

You are not alone in feeling this way.  For many years I have been keeping myself behind closed doors for fear of yet another attack or rejection.  Recently after some extended business trips where I was able to let my guard down and come out of my shell I began to feel alive again.  For about a month after I returned I was feeling great.  However my wife started to see that some boundaries were being created and she was starting to lose control over me.  The attacks, blaming, guilt, drama escalated so quickly and strongly that I feel like I was put in a blender.  Those good feelings had to go back in to hiding. 

I'm early in this process of realizing what has gone on so I don't really have any advice.  Don't despair, the kind, amusing, decent person that you are IS still there.

I too felt enlightened, and it was wonderful.  I am using that as my motivation to extract myself from this situation.

Best of luck.

-Oz