BPDFamily.com

 just wanted to share some info I learned that may help you all in understanding some things.

One of the things that I could never understand and that has kept me holding on to a toxic relationship with a disordered woman is not comprehending how the words never matched their actions.

For example, my ex fiancé insisted... ."I will never, EVER be able to remarry if anything ever happened to you". Yet, a few weeks later she's dating somebody else after a blow up... .a few somebody's I found out later.  I remember disagreeing with her during that conversation... .saying, I'd want you to remarry if it means you being happy.  She emphatically insisted, no... .there will never be anybody else.  She ended up cheating.  

Another woman I was with previously, (cluster b) same thing "I will never be able to be with anybody else after you". Again, within a few months of the break up she was with another guy, there may have been overlap as well.

I struggled with how somebody could say such a thing, and then turn around and do the opposite for the longest time.  Then I read that often times the disordered DO mean what they are saying... .AT THAT TIME.  It changes.  That is why many gaslight, because they honestly believe what they are saying... .at that time.   It's all about how they FEEL at that moment.

I read something else interesting that may help us all moving forward.  When you are in a new relationship after you heal from one such as these... .pretend that you are deaf... .figuratively.  :)on't listen to a persons words, but watch their actions!  Actions are an indicator of genuine feeling, not words.  As they say, words are cheap.  

I say for the BPD judge by their deeds not their words.
And the BPD seldom take any action to back up their words.
Plus they cheat.
Is that a generalization? NO! Promiscuity aka impulsivity with sex is part of the disorder.
If yours didn't cheat, you just weren't good enough at catching them.

Thank you!

I completely agree with both of you and this rings true for me. Mine said the same exact things...

it is, of course, a generalization. promiscuity and cheating, while common in many of our stories, are not part of the disorder.

what is true about the disorder in general? people with BPD over express themselves, like children. as  C<||| hopealways said, impulsivity is a hallmark of the disorder. so is idealization. is that a generalization? it is, albeit based on the dsm; these behaviors and traits arent unique to BPD and may not apply. theyre common to members here as well, and wed do well not to over generalize.

anybody here ever tell a romantic partner they were the most beautiful/handsome person in the world, or something to that effect? the lesson, i think, is that while idealization is normal, we should recognize it for what it is, and not over invest.

 C<||| Huh?, its good advice to choose relationships (of all kinds) with people whos actions match their words. often times, a great deal of our hurt stems from clinging to the words that were said.

6) Clinging to the words that were said

We often cling to the positive words and promises that were voiced and ignore or minimize the negative actions. “But she said she would love me forever”. Many wonderful and expressive things may have been said during the course of the relationship, but people suffering with BPD traits are dreamers, they can be fickle, and they over-express emotions like young children – often with little thought for long term implications. You must let go of the words. It may break your heart to do so. But the fact is, the actions - all of them - are the truth.

https://bpdfamily.com/content/surviving-break-when-your-partner-has-borderline-personality

Yes. Impulsiveness is part of the diagnostic criteria for BPD, and that can take the form of promiscuity, cheating, and reckless sex. It certainly did for my ex - he had unprotected sex with multiple people, including a woman who worked in a sex club, and once broke down in tears to me, sobbing, "If it weren't for you I'd just end up in anybody's bed." He didn't seem to have any filter or any brakes: he would sleep with almost anyone who was interested in him, and then a few weeks later would be puzzled about why he'd done it. But other people with BPD aren't like this at all. They're impulsive in other ways, sure, but not sexually. I know that lots of posters here found that their partners were irresponsible and reckless with money, shopping compulsively and buying on impulse. My ex never did that. He was sensible with money and wasn't materialistic - he usually only bought things to replace necessary stuff that was broken, for example. Impulsive behaviour can take many shapes.

Yes, they do, and that's the problem.  They feel it "at the time," and that moment may only last for a few minutes.  My BPD friend once told me that she would "never love again" if her boyfriend broke up with her.  A few weeks later, she was saying that she wanted to be with me instead.  Within days of declaring her love for me, she was back to wanting to be with him forever.  I once confronted her about this and asked why she would tell me all of those things about wanting to be with me if she didn't mean it.  She replied, "I did want those things... .sometimes."  Once, within two text messages, she went from saying we had a future to saying we didn't.  It literally changed that quickly. 

I agree with everyone who said that it's important to focus on their actions, not their words.  A week ago, my BPD friend told me that she enjoys talking to me.  And yet, whenever I text her, I rarely get a reply.  If I enjoy talking to someone, I make it a point to talk to the person.  My BPD friend can't see that logic.