BPDFamily.com

I am new to the site, learning a lot, and I am very grateful to have finally found some support.  My new husband, BPD, definitely cares about saving the relationship, both of us desperately want to.  However, the one thing I notice more and more is that he is not only is a master at escaping accountability, he has no absolutely no empathy for anyone including myself... .His needs are first and other people's needs just seem to get in his way.  He attends counseling, but doesn't even try to communicate with me anymore outside of our therapists office.  He will say "you know I can't communicate that's just how I am" and walk away.  He doesn't resolve any of the terrible attacks or fights or even apologize for them any more. 

It  seems that our counselors and even some of the BPD material I have endlessly poured over all teach  the non BPD about coping strategies, supporting and response techniques etc.  All SO incredibly important, however, at no time has HE ever been introduced to (or sought out, I should say too) any steps to learn about his illness, control his rages, tools and steps to communicate and respond to my needs etc.  I love him and want it to work, but feels like it will be the expense of myself and my happiness.   I know we have to be independent and find other sources of support, but exactly how does the non BPD survive long term with none of their needs being met... .My emotional, verbal and even physical needs are all not being met due to the strain on the marriage from endless fighting and resentment.  I know I must sound very selfish, but I can't imagine a marriage surviving with only one person doing all of the giving.  We have been married less than two years, but it feels like 20.  The trigger of losing his Mother six months into our new marriage has made his BPD so much worse and empathy for anyone else but himself basically nonexistent. What he wants and needs are first and foremost at all times... .Any suggestions to change this course if I choose to stay?  Thank you.

*welcome*

No, you don't sound selfish. Many of us, including me, have felt that desire to have our needs met and wondered how that can ever happen in a relationship with a person with BPD traits. People with BPD tend to lack the emotional maturity that it takes to fulfill our needs. It takes a great deal of strength to be in such a relationship. The article What Does it Take to Be in a Relationship (https://bpdfamily.com/content/what-does-it-take-be-relationship) goes into all of it in greater detail.

One thing that will likely help you though is stopping the fights and learning to communicate with him more effectively. There are a lot of tools, workshops and lesson on this site to help with that. When the fighting ceases or is reduced, there will be more room, emotionally. Dig around and see what you think will help you the most. Ask as many questions as you feel comfortable asking. Read the posts of others too. There are many pearls of wisdom floating around here.

It's great that you are both committed to improving the relationship.

I look forward to reading more of your story and progress!

On its face, it totally sounds counter intuitive to be the one doing all of the "work," while the person who is sick "gets to" do less work. However, using the tools actually helps you to feel better and expend less energy, so you have fewer days where you feel completely emotionally drained.

It was tough at first, learning how to validate, how to communicate without taking the "bait" of my HwBPD's hurtful or accusatory comments, but, eventually, I felt empowered. I was in control of myself, and, therefore, no longer fell victim to my H's attempts to keep me within his sphere of control. I'm setting boundaries, which keep me protected. The more I learn, the more energy I have for myself. I stop worrying about what he'll think about me doing X,Y, or Z. I recognize his feelings, but I point out abuse and I expect adult behavior and respect. You get to the point where you validate yourself, and it is actually extremely powerful, and has helped me in my professional life, as well as my personal life.

Is your H in couples therapy or individual therapy? If he is committed to working on the relationship, the first thing he can do is work on himself. And you can work on yourself, using the tools and practicing boundaries and self care. You have values, you can set expectations around those values, such as,
"I need us to be able to communicate, so let's set up a time once a week to talk through some of our feelings." Don't let him get away with avoiding it, if that is what you need from him.

I suspect that the real issue for you is that you're not getting your needs met. Some of these needs you can actually fill for yourself, and some you can ask of your partner, but you need to use the tools to get there.