BPDFamily.com

Hello guys,

About me: I was in my early 20's and she was in her mid to later 20's (I also do believe I was a bit codependent 2 years ago, seeing a therapist has helped me set boundaries and become less codependent recently)


My story started about 2 years ago around March actually, so quite almost literally 2 years ago. I met this girl over instagram and we shared similar interests. I reached out to her to take some photos together with our shared interest. I was at the time, a free spirited, happy, and caring individual and saw that this girl was physically attractive, but she didn't show it off. She didn't like having photos taken of her, but I somehow convinced her to take some candid photos of her "modeling," and found that she was a quiet but interesting individual. Over the course of a few days, we had texts back and forth with interest from both sides it seemed, I asked her to go to lunch to really get to know her. After having lunch, we both agreed we had a great time, and that we wanted to grab dinner soon again. The week after our lunch, I had picked her up to grab some dinner, our first date wasn't too awkward, there was a shared interest in each other, and again, we wanted to see each other after. (Back story, this girl is my first, EVERYTHING) The second date went well. Weird thing happened on the second date though, she received a phone call from her mom late at night (11PM) saying that her ex boyfriend was knocking on the door and looking for her, wanting to talk to her and get her back, etc. I took that as a sign for me as a man to step up and "protect" her. I held her hand in the car ride and said, everything will be okay. It seemed like everything else besides that was going well, texting each other on a daily basis, phone calls etc. I really enjoyed her companionship and who she was. Though, my family never enjoyed her(they are racist in a certain way, don't want me to date a non-same race, and definitely don't want me to marry a non-same race person, stating that other races are inferior, and will never work together with my race, etc.) Over the course, we had started to get more intimate, and the relationship continued to grow. Despite my family's disapproval of her, I continued anyways. She knew of their disapproval and was saddened by it. I do admit I may have overstepped and not held tight to my boundaries hard enough as to whenever she wanted the truth from me, she got it. So whenever she asked me about my parents and what they talked about her, I couldn't hide it (I suck at lying and hiding things). Another weird thing that happened, this girl I used to like but never dated, I had followed on instagram a long time before I met the girl I was having interest in. One day I decide to unfollow the girl I used to like cause I just didn't want to see her social media posts anymore(she didn't post frequently so when I saw her post I said, she wasn't relevant in my life anymore why follow her still?) Then this girl messages me and says why did you unfollow me, is it cause you have a girlfriend now, etc. I told her, look I used to have feelings for you and now I don't, and I just don't want to follow you on social media anymore. Then she fires back and said, enjoy your life, don't let your girlfriend take your friends away, etc... .it was a whole mess cause my now ex, saw me message this girl I used to like, and then she got all mad that I was still wanting to be with this girl, and that I would become more attractive to her now that she saw that I was seeing someone. She wouldn't talk to me and was ignoring all my phone calls etc. I, at the time being codependent to a certain extent, went to see her and tell her I was sorry, and that I didn't have feelings for this girl anymore and that she was the only one I had feelings for and wanted to see, and that I did have feelings for that girl a few months back but the feelings were gone. We got over that bump in the road.

I told her I love her a few months in, and she was scared I was unsure, and asked me if I was sure. I told her I was sure.

Days turned into months, and we were at a point in our relationship where we had started talking about the future together(Something I didn't find odd). We had both been excited about the general ideas, such as kids, marriage, and moving in together, etc. I would buy her flowers every monthaversary. I was in love with her. She would be caring and buy me somethings that reminded her of me. She showed me love, and I would do the same for her. I loved the way she cared for me and showed me love. Whenever she called and complained about eating the same food on that she ate yesterday I would drive to get her something different once in a while. At one point I started doing a lot for her, and pushed away my friends, my family was gone as well because they didn't like her. Eventually I proposed to her since we had talked about it before. She said yes, and I was ecstatic. And for a month or two, everything seemed to be great. Nothing changed for the worst. But all of a sudden, she started asking for space, and to be together less, when I started bringing up the future, meaning long term goals, and dreams that we could share. We stopped having sex all of a sudden, and she became very distant. She started hiding things from me and being mysterious. She downloaded snapchat, and I found it mysterious so I added her to see what she was up to. As soon as I added her she became very mad and started berating me, also saying that I don't trust her, calling me out for downloading it to see what she was doing. So naturally for me, I back down, and I delete snapchat. It felt like I was walking on eggshells, whatever I did for me or for her was criticized.

When I started feeling like everything was tumbling down I decided to reach out to a psychologist and figure out myself and see what was wrong with me. I told her I went to see a therapist and the reaction from her was, "Is something wrong with you? You're over exaggerating. I don't want to be with you if you have to go to a psychologist."

We had a fight, where she got very angry at me and started berating me telling her the honest truth; after months of not having much sex, I stumbled upon porn, but I felt bad after watching it so I said to myself let me be honest with her and tell her what I did. She took off the ring, and said I don't want to be with you anymore, threw it in my face, and took all the jewelry that I bought her and packed it up in a bag and said, I don't want you, again.

At this point the relationship felt like it was the end. I wanted to work through problems that we had, but she said she wasn't sure. Throughout the engagement I had to be the one to ask her when we were going to setup the date, and ballpark the wedding year.

We eventually get into another fight and I am trying to figure out what is going on. She says she needs space, and decides to take a "break."

Days later after no contact from her, I liked some girls instagram picture, non sexual, just a face picture, and she also had a gun holstered to her side and I liked that picture as well. Again non-sexual.

Minutes later I get a screenshot sent to my texts, "I see you're back to your manly things again." I tell her that we're apart, and it wasn't sexual and it didn't mean that I liked the girl. Then she tells me that we're over, that there is no chance of us being together again.

A week later, I find out that she is going on vacation with an acquaintance of mine. Which was strange because we had planned to go on the vacation together before the breakup. And I browse his profile, and see that he's telling her that he loves her already and that she's saying it back to him. So immediately I email her and tell her, you give me garbage for liking some girls picture but you're already telling this kid you love him? I was starting to connect two and two together about her having possibly cheated on me. The snapchat, the distance, the space, the mystery, and now the light shines and she's sleeping with another guy already?

I was beyond hurt, I didn't know how to handle it. She broke up with me in the end of May of last year. I had been so mad that I started telling everyone my story, she was openly posting about the new relationship.

Eventually the no contact, blocking off everything, made me feel better. Her pictures would still come up on my explore page on instagram because she was well known. I still had loved her and cared for her and eventually sent an apology email about all the stuff I had said about her, and wishing her the best, no response to the email which was what I was expecting. I eventually forgave her for the pain and the hurt she put me through without needing an apology from her... .


FAST FORWARD: 9 months later after break up

Within the beginning of this year, she contacts me and says she wants to clear the air with me. So we meet up and I bring her to grab a late night dinner after her work. We end up wanting to be ok with each other and saying we'll see each other again. She had wanted to make it a point that she didn't cheat on me last time we were together. I let all the past go already and said, ok, it doesn't matter to me anymore. She continued to explain that she could easily get men, and boyfriends came natural to her, and that's why she got into it so quick with the next one.(In my opinion she is a VERY physically attractive upper 20 year old, which I believe most men see only that about her.) She also noticed that she gets into relationships to forget the past.

We start dating again. My heart was guarded though from the pain of last time. I only got back with her because I felt that she had changed and become a somewhat different person. She would come over and sleep over at my place for the 3 weeks. During the 1st week, I was pretty busy and she texted me one day saying that I was being dry with her, and that maybe she deserved it from the last time we were together. I call her and reassure her that she's ok, that I still love her, and I never stopped, and reassure her that that's not what she deserved. That I was still thinking about us being together long term and considering her moving in(Yes you may be thinking it's too quick, but in my defense, we were engaged before). And she then reassured me that it's not a far fetched idea to move in together. Another time that we were together, she had started talking about us getting married, how our wedding would be and how our wedding gifts would be, and I was happy that she was the one talking about it this time. So as she said I was being dry, I began to open my heart back up to her again.  But as soon as I opened my heart back up to her again, and started caring for her like I did, she grew more distant. The 4th week, she became very distant. We didn't hangout the week at all and towards the end of the week we usually get together and hangout, I asked her if she wanted to come over, which she did for the past few weeks. I got a wishy-washy answer though, "we'll see how i'm feeling later." The same answer for the next few days and I was getting concerned.

The 5th week, on a Monday, she's beyond dry and distant with me. I call her in the morning and it's a very cold conversation about what she's doing that day. Later on after work, when I usually call her, she rejects my calls multiple times, and refuses to pickup the phone to even just say, "hey babe i'm busy i'll call you later." But instead I receive a text that she's busy. I call her 4 hours later, and she still rejects my calls. I'm sketched out at this point, she's never rejected my calls no matter how busy she is, and she wasn't at work that day. A couple hours later she calls me and says she's been busy, in a very dry, monotone voice. She would tell me that she would let me know when she was going to sleep and say goodnight, but she wouldn't text me. That same night, I get drunk(Yes I was coping with alcohol, not something good) and send her a text saying goodnight, and that I miss her and was worried about her being stressed out about her life since she was in a fight with her parents. And just to make sure that everything was ok between us still, that I was in a point in my life that I wanted to be with her and work things out. The next morning, being anxious, I constantly woke up in the middle of the night and went on instagram just to ease my mind. I saw that she took the time to post a picture and come up with a caption and not respond to my text. The next morning I call her and say what's going on. She then tells me she has to go and she texts me saying that, her heart isn't ready to jump into it with me again. That she's confused and lost. That i'm a perfect father and best friend, that everything that she could ever want. But she can't do it. (She has never gotten back with an ex before, from what I know as an ego issue, or maybe i'm wrong.)

So then I already knew she wanted to breakup with me, then I go ahead and say lets meet up. I meet up with her and she starts crying, saying that I am perfect, and she doesn't know why she can't be content. Stating that I am 22 and have a good portion of life figured out, but she's older and hasn't even moved out of her parents house yet. All of which I don't care for. She also stated that she doesn't deserve my love, that she can't reciprocate my love and care for her, that I deserve someone better. Again, all of which doesn't bother me, and I don't care that she doesn't reciprocate it. I find it's nice to have her not doing the same things for me. And the final reason was that she wanted to be alone to figure out life, and go about finding herself(I thought this was very mature of her at the time).

Within the next 2 days I felt bad, but was able to live life normally because we ended on a good note, knowing that she was wanting to grow herself, or so I thought.

Then I open my instagram app, and I find out, that there's this dude tagging her in these posts about stuff that seemed to be personal. He was tagging her and leaving hearts in the same comment for her, and she was liking the comments. Nothing major. But then I go to his profile and he's bashing her ex, the one after me the 1st time but before me the 2nd time. And this new guy is also tagging her with hearts on his pictures, and leaving i love you written in Japanese on one of the posts too. I look back and see that she started liking his photos a day or two before the day she broke up with me, and started commenting on his photos as well. I call her and ask her if she was with someone a day later cause I was uneasy, and couldn't believe I was lied to again, immediately she gets defensive and angry, and starts berating me. Never answers the question and dodges it every time. She told me to leave her alone and never talk to her again, which I have. Even though she said that, she continued to berate me for the next 3 days and I left her either unanswered or a dry and cold response.

She had triangulated me and her ex the 1st time before me. Then triangulated me (her ex) and her new boyfriend. Then triangulated him(ex after me 1st time) and me again. And now was triangulating this new dude and her ex(before me 2nd time)

Now some of you may be asking why i'm on the BPD forums, she has never had a steady relationship since she could have a relationship. Her mom was never there for her when she was a child, because she had to work as a single mom. She seemed to be scared a good amount of the time in the 1st and 2nd relationship that I would leave her. She seems to be very impulsive in making decisions, and it doesn't seem to me that she thinks long term, longer than 8 months. Whenever she's stressed is when everything starts to go downhill. For small or minor things that I believe to be, she seems to get very emotional and angry about them. She doesn't have many friends, meaning, only 2. And seems to always crave a man's attention, whether the man be a "good" man or not.


Call me crazy, stupid, etc., I still love and care for her, this post isn't to talk bad about her, but for people to understand my story, so I can find some support in healing, none of my friends know really what I'm going through. I haven't spoken to her for 2 weeks now and don't plan to again.

Addition: I'm left confused, what I did wrong, where I went wrong, if I did wrong. Oh and she didn't want me to post about us on social media when we got together in fears of hurting her ex. She left social media and her new boyfriend as well, probably because so many people are now hearing the stories of 2 ex's about her.

Hello There,

Firstly I am so sorry you are going through the struggle.

BUT everything you say sounds so similar to what happend to me! The way I met my ex-BPD was also through Instagram(They tend to thrive on social media getting validation from their selfies etc... .)

Anyway your post resonates with mine... .The exact same thing being really loving wanting to get married then when asking her things about that she would pull away and act so distant and then it got to the point where I would do the same just thinking she would realize her faults and it started to push her away even more and made us break up.

It's been exactly a year now since I have had No Contact and it's the best feeling ever... .not knowing what she is doing with the new guy who replaced me 2-3 days after we broke up.

You may feel sad or not BUT don't ever contact her again it's not worth it... .Also take a break from social media ( I deleted mine altogether it felt great) , go on and find yourself now! YOu are worth more than getting love from that broken girl... .

I tell myself that... .Even though I loved her so much they don't feel love the way we do... .And that's okay because we will find someone better and NO it's not our job to fix them... They need to fix themselves... .We can't emotionally drain ourselves for their crazy making behaviour... .

Let it go slowly... .I know it's hard I still think of her from time to time but not in the "What If" way ... .but I just pray one day she will get help and stop all this nonsence  and get what she wants in life.

Thank you for your kind words and support! At the end of the day, I don't resent her for anything. I accept her for who she is and what she's made of. I just wish her the best and continue to pray for her since she needs guidance and direction. I don't believe she fully realizes what shes doing. Anyhow enough about me, I am glad you're doing well! Maintaning the no contact allows you to detach easier. Yes we loved our ex's and I still do . But I don't believe in ever stopping loving her or any partner I truly mean it to. Keep on pressing forward!

That's a great step ahead, but just remember if she ever comes back don't give in! Remember she isn't mentally stable or well... .she doesn't know what love is.