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I absolutely lost it after giving my friend yet another chance to meet up and him saying he won't let me down... .to then being told he no longer can due to work commitments.  If this was the first time then fair enough but I've lost count now, each time he pulls out of meeting always after promising he won't.  This time I just let rip; we have both said crappy things but I really gave it to him which has destroyed our 'friendship' beyond repair.

I was in tears last night for him messing me around so much and being nasty and today I want to curl up in a ball and sob my heart out as I can't believe I said what I did and hate myself for stooping so low to hurt him as much as he hurts me.  I know it's in retaliation to all the push pull and forever being let down but I have blown whatever trust he thought he had in me by me being a complete ___.

I feel sick, I'm tired, I'm stressed.  I know this friendship ending is for the best as he picks me and up and drops me constantly; he's always trying to push the boundaries between friends and friends with benefits but I feel awful for lashing out in anger.  He texts or emails crappy stuff when I'm at work where I can't let my emotions get the better of me and I end up lashing back in frustration.

I've lost him and he's lost me.  Why couldn't I just shut up.  

Please help before this consumes me as I really hate myself right now.

You are human. A true friend would understand.
But I see no friendship here. Apart from you

You are human!

All he sees is me getting angry as I'm not 'getting my own way' but cannot see it's months of frustration built up and feeling totally used like a toy.  I can't let this consume me but I've had knots in my stomach for 2 days straight now.  I now think he's more NPD too given some of the stuff he text today.

Izzybusy,
     I have been exactly where you are with my friend who has borderline personality disorder. After trying to be calm and walk on eggshells and swallow my hurt I finally got frustrated and essentially took up for myself. At which point he said I was being selfish and to "get over it". He ended up saying things that were very hurtful. And I became so helplessly anxious about the whole thing. It seemed like I couldn't resolve the argument thought making it worse. I regretted saying anything. Me telling him I had a backbone and didn't deserve being shamed, made it worse. What I did is I messaged him and simply told him that I loved him as a friend and that I hoped we would get a chance to talk in person soon. I had to swallow all the pain I had and just give in and apologize to him even though he really needed to be the one apologizing to me for treating me so callously. But I really never got an apology from him. Most likely never will.
     To put it simply, they just can't take your emotions. But I think very often they say things they don't mean. They want you to come groveling to them.

Thank you hopeful.  

How can I forgive him for basically saying I'm willing to mess around behind my husbands back and then saying he doesn't owe me anything; he's not my partner or boyfriend and to make it clear we will never have a relationship.  I've never once ever thought these things, I'm married, he's the one who pushes the boundaries and tries to blur the lines.  In absolute frustration and anger I said why the hell would I want a relationship with a 49 year old man who rents a single room; I called him seriously deluded and narcissistic, told him to get a grip and some serious therapy.  He called me nasty and abusive and if I contact him again he will have me done for harassment.  This is someone who sent me a d|ck pic a week ago thinking it was nothing and it was acceptable!

This friendship has always been up and down with me trying to calm the waters but when I lose it he doesn't see it's through sheer frustration of his actions.  I feel worthless to him; I'm sure I'm just somebody he knows and calls up when he's lonely and I've invested way more in him than what he has in me.

How did you and your friend part?

You're not worthless and he can't make you feel that way without you buying into it.  You don't need him to understand how he pushes the boundaries... .you know deep down inside who you are and what you deserve.  The only one that needs to believe that is YOU.

Give yourself a break, you said some not so nice things... .pay attention because it sounds like he is bringing out the worst in you.  Be good to yourself, forgive yourself and be around people that bring out the best in you.  You can always apologize for your words later... .once you have taken care of you and can see more clearly.

Correct me if I'm wrong, but I got the feeling that you are struggling with guilt for going behind your husbands back.  Like if this friendship goes away, then it would mean that it was a mistake but if the friendship thrives then somehow it would make it not as bad.  Be careful with that... .it can make you desperate to make it work and lower your boundaries to an unhealthy level.

wishing you the best,
Bunny

Thanks Bunny

I haven't gone behind my husbands back; my friend made the  remark that I would mess about behind his back which I took offence to when he was pushing the boundaries of our friendship .

The guilt I'm struggling with is losing my temper and letting vile words spill out.  Even if I think it I shouldn't had said it as I know it was a low blow and was nasty.  I hate myself when I get like this.  But as you say; look at what he's bringing out in me.  An anxious, frustrated mess and for very little reward.

   My friend brings out the worst in me as well. But the thing about our relationship is that we used to be more then friends, then friends with benefits then platonic friends for over a year since he went back to the "replacement".
In the beginning of year he was in an accident and broke his foot.  I was there for him being a good caring friend, helping him get groceries, doctors visits etc. because his girlfriend kept having to go out of town for business.
     A back and forth argument started out of me asking him to go to a movie with me, for the 3rd time.  He gave another excuse he couldnt go that was very vague but I was going to respond "I understand" but instead I said something like I didn't know what all of it meant but I guess he didn't really want to go and I was going to go ahead to the movie because it was the last day it was showing. He lashed out with a text saying I was accusing him of lying about his excuse and said really hurtful things about my character and that what i said was basically unforgivable. Then he wrote that something was wrong with me if what he said had made me cry. Also said that he and I would never be his girlfriend. Ever. That we never had chemistry. Then he gave me silent treatment.   I actually thought I was going to get some apology from him. 
     Finally I gave in and called him and he said he was saying those things to me because I had been "snarky" to him. I said that I wasn't trying to be his girlfriend, I hadn't even been flirting with him! Nothing I said could appease him until I apologized for writing what I did. He couldn't seem to even process how I could be frustrated with him. He has some Narcissistic traits as well. He said, "But its about how what you say makes ME feel. It doesn't matter if it makes sense, its how it is".
At the end of conversation he said that he would see me soon, talked about getting together the following weekend. I havent heard from him in weeks however. Ive sent him some texts asking about his foot and etc. and he replies with 4 or 5 words.
     Sorry to go on but I guess what Im trying to say is that they will say things to push you away. It feels like they are testing you. If you respond with too much emotion they cant take it. Your frustration builds up because you didnt want to be confrontational. When you call him out on something, all those BPD traits with be stirred up (Gaslighting, Projection) and it will take alot of puting your hurt aside and groveling to be friends with them again. Thats my experience anyway. I think he and I have had a relationship as long as we've had because I rarely call him out on his bulls**t.

     

Thanks again Hopeful.

We were girlfriend and boyfriend many many years ago and I had a soft spot for him which I still have and he uses it to his advantage and tries to manipulate me due to it.

Our situations do sound similar.  The only difference is that I never initiate meeting up.  He always asks me when I'm going home to see family and then says whilst there he will meet up with me.  I then do all the arranging as it's a 2 hour drive etc and then he pulls out of meeting and makes out I was seeing family and he was only meeting me as I was down that way anyway so he hadn't put me out.  He knows damn well that I arranged the trip to see him and also family as well.  He totally makes out like it's no big deal despite me having to make arrangements.  Part of me feels he is intimidated by me and is actually scared to meet up as I will see all his flaws in person.  I also think he's deflected a lot of 'not wanting a relationship with me' as he knows I can't and I won't so he's making me feel bad by basically saying I'm not good enough for him.

I've woken up today with a clearer head.  I can see it's all gaslighting and projection; he's been raising my hopes knowing he will let me down and then call me nasty when I lose it so I look like the bad guy and he can then blame me for the friendship going wrong.  Today I am thinking to hell with this anymore; I'm worth so much more than this.