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I am stuck in this phase. I just keep replaying things over and over again. I keep trying to see what I missed and what signs I had missed. Honestly, I can't see anything I missed. I just feel led on, then lied to and played as an idiot. Usually, I am the type that rationalizes things the other way. Oh, she is just being nice and was not interested. I had all of the textbook signs and she sought me out. I have never done this to this level before and just keep doing it. How do you deal with this and end the rumination?

Hi Jax,

I'm sorry your struggling... .we have all been there.  Part of the thinking things over and over is caused because none of it makes sense. 

It's like trying to put a square block into a circular hole.  Try writing things down, I know that helped me.  I kind of went through each thought, wrote it down and acknowledged it was nonsense and then anytime it came back into my head... .I remembered I already addressed this and was free to disregard it and push it out of my thoughts. 

After awhile things quit spinning.  I knew each instance wasn't created by anything I did, it was just in his head and I was able to stop giving it thought because I knew better. 
 
I hope it helps you.  It just takes time... . 

Bunny

There are a number of ways to deal with ruminations.  Cognitive Behavioral Therapy is one talk therapy approach that has been show to be effective in the treatment of depressive rumination.

One psychologist (Joe Carver, PhD) suggests a simple model that we can use to "train" the brain to better deal with ruminations.

The objective of the "5.07 | Dealing with ruminations" workshop is to talk about ruminating, what it is, how it affects us, what we can do about it, and if these methods work.

Still working on it, but getting a little better. I am working with a counselor on it. This is the 2nd BPD I have dated or attempted to date. I have had another ex (not BPD) that cheated on me and have gone through break ups before. I have never constantly thought about those as much as this one. It isn't that I was closer to this one. In fact, I am so grateful that it did not work with this one. I just keep thinking about back to things and trying to see what I missed. I just got thrown to the side like it was nothing and that I missed everything.

Check out the article. Many members have reported success with those techniques.

It took me time to get it to kick (a month) - but it made a huge difference.

Time heals all - but therapy and recover techniques will shorten that time.

I am definitely going to check it out. I am trying to do things that keep my mind busy. I have a trip coming up and get to see my nieces. Those two things will help by themselves.

I believe it is necessary to think your thoughts and feel your feelings, meditation teaches you to be present with what ever comes up and then just let it go and be back in the present. You can't bury your emotions because they will come back to haunt you in the future. I think a balance of being busy, not thinking, and allowing time to process things is best. CBT and DBT teach about correct thinking and handling emotions effectively.
A certain amount of rumination is only natural when trying to make sense of what happened to us.

I have concluded that all my ruminations were caused by 2 reasons:
1. Living in my head instead of my heart
2. Living a fantasy of who they were instead of what they truly were