BPDFamily.com

Hi everyone.

I picked up the book "stop walking on eggshells" and it sort of blew my mind and brought me here. I am 22, female, and my fiancée C is 25.

I work at a residential tx center for women with BPD full time, so I would say I am very knowledgeable about the disorder as well as its evidence-based treatments. I have been engaged to my fiancée C for a year, and we've been together for almost 2 years. Work has been hard for me, but what is harder is coming home to the current state of my relationship. If I say one wrong thing, if I am in the wrong mood, or I make a small misstep, C lashes out.

She says that I'm yelling at her, that I'm being mean. She asks that I not show up to work so that we can work on our relationship; she knows that where I work is a 24/7 care facility, and that not showing up would put patients at risk, but she does not care. She randomly refuses to get out of bed and says that she's a garbage person. She demands that we go on crazy expensive vacations every couple of months. Every week she has a new hobby and new business idea.

At first this was so exciting to me. I am an indecisive person, with admittedly low self esteem, and when we were happy C made me feel like a beautiful person who was part of something special. But now we fight every other day and I see no end in sight. We both see individual therapists, but I am not convinced that she talks about anything of substance with her therapist. She went off of her meds for bipolar 2 months into our relationship, and now denies that she has the disorder at all. Last week we started couples therapy, and I am hopeful but worried she will continue to put everything on me "we would be happier if you quit your job, spent all your time with me, and we traveled the world".

We are getting married in June. I am at my wits end. I am a happy and competent person when I am away from her, and I feel like I am dealing with a toddler. I love her to death but I do not know how to help her as she is not my patient: I can't just DBT her and ask her to use skills. That is not my job.

Hopefully someone here is in a similar situation and could offer some support? Thank you for reading this.

Welcome upisdowndownisup:  
I'm sorry your are having so much difficulty with your fiance.  Sounds like you have a useful background and knowledge of DBT skills.   |iiii


It's good that you recognize that it isn't your job to fix her.  If she quit taking meds now, that may be the status quo.

The one thing I don't think I've ever heard around here, is that things got better after marriage.  The reality is that what you see is what you get.  You may love her to death, but you need to decide if you can live with the things you don't like about her.  Even if you can change some behaviors for a period of time, some may return down the road.

Don't be afraid to postpone the wedding, if you are unsure.  Best to be sure before you invest a lot of money.  


Therapy is a place to be honest.  If she does continue to put everything on you, then you will need to make a decision as to whether it is something you can accept and live with.  

Take a look around.  There are links to various communication skills in the right hand margin and at the very top of the page, within the wide green band.

Have you been successful with setting and enforcing some boundaries with your partner?