BPDFamily.com

Hi, all. So, i'm not sure where to start. I'm a 22yo woman who got married to what I believed to be the love of my life at the age of 18. We have been married now for close for four years. Looking back, "J" has always been controlling of my whereabouts, always wanting to know where i'm at, who i'm with, and when i'll home. While I understand that he may want me to be safe, etc., it's getting to the point where it doesn't feel like he trusts me. I missed all the major red flags. I should have broken up with him before we even got married. But I put him on a pedestal. He has always had a short temper. He has the worst road rage I have ever seen, and the smallest issues (like laundry sitting unfolded on the couch) set him off really quickly. It turns into what I believe to be verbal abuse. While he never has called me a name, I find myself trying to maintain his next to impossible expectations of everything always being perfect. I feel a bit all over the place, and I apologize. It is my first time posting on a site like this. I think the best thing for me to do is to give you examples of our fights.
1. We were fighting about something trivial. Probably about me "never cleaning up after myself", or "how I never do anyhting unless he has to get upset about it." I was so upset at the time that I had made the decision to get in the car and drive to cool off. He then calls me once i had left to say that he was going to shoot himself and that he had his gun out and that he was going to kill himself since we had fought and he felt like a failure. I then come rushing home and he's still very upset. We don't ever reach a resolve to our arguments besides me ending up overapoligizing for something that isn't even my fault just to cool down the situation.

That was one of the worst fihgts we had. Before we even got married he had punched a door, and cracked it down the center. Next he had also put a hole in the wall which we had to patch up and play it off like he had tripped going down the stairs. Anyways, I worry that our relationship will turn physical. If he is strong enough to split a door and put a huge hole in a wall, how long until he hits me? We do not have any children, it is just the two of us. He has come ebtween my mom and , always trashing my family, and his family. Always blaming his emotional problems on his difficult past. I do not understand why I was so oblivious to the warning signs. He says he'd never lay a hand on me, but if he can do all said things above, how long until he hurts me. I've always had a savior complex, and I saw someone that needed help. He needed me.  I do not know how much longer i can continue in this relationship. I love him so much, but am really doubting his love for me. I know that i am in a codependent relationship and that this post is entirely one sided, but i know for a fact that if things don't change that i'm going to continue being depressed and anxious about everything. I do have a career as an RN and i do work full time at a local hospital. I want to tell him that i want a divorce but i am fearful and unsure of how to go about it. any suggestions? should i try to save my marriage? (we have not gone to counseling or anything like that).  Thanks in advance.

Welcome  rn2016:  

I'm sorry about what you are going through with your partner.  It has to be miserable living with a controlling person who can't be pleased.  It has to be scary riding with someone with road rage.  I'll never forget one wild car ride I once had with a male partner.

You are wise to be concerned about your partner's violence.  It's a good idea to have a safety plan.  Best to be prepared with a plan in case your partner shows signs of getting violent.  This link to SAFETY FIRST (https://bpdfamily.com/pdfs/safety_first.pdf) can be helpful for you.

You mention your partner has a difficult past.  :)oes someone in his family have a personality disorder or mental illness?

Do you think that he would go to marriage counseling?  Even if he goes to marriage counseling, sounds like he could use some individual counseling.  You might want to both go to individual counseling, as well as couples counseling.

You don't have children yet, so now is a good time to explore your options.  If you decide to leave the marriage, it would be a lot easier without children.


The three links below should be helpful for you.  Since he manipulated you once with a suicide threat, he will likely do it again.  You need to take the threats seriously.  It can help if you are prepared, should it happen again.  One member shared that his wife quit making suicide threats, after he called out an emergency response team. Once she knew that she would get another emergency response team, if she make another threat, she quit making threats.

SUICIDE IDEATION IN OTHERS (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=79032.0)

What to do when feeling manipulated by suicide threats (http://www.BPDcentral.com/help-for-families/BPD-articles/?What-to-do-when-feeling-manipulated-by-suicide-threats-10)

SUICIDE PREVENTION (http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org)

You can't change your partner, but you can make things better by setting some boundaries and using certain communication strategy.  There is a wide green band at the top of the page.  It has a "Tools" menu that you might want to check out.  Your post will be moved to one of the Relationship Boards.  Once it is moved, you will notice that there will be a right hand margin with links to several lessons as well.

Sorry to give you so many links.  I wanted to give you some information for you to review to keep you safe.  That needs to be your first priority.  After that, you might want to move forward to some other lessons.  Setting some boundaries could be your second step.  Boundaries are for the benefit and well being.  It is up to you to consistently enforce your boundaries.  Your partner won't generally like them.  What are some boundaries you might want to set?