BPDFamily.com

I haven't posted in awhile. I feel like a veteran of BPD relationships and these boards. I'm doing well in life, I actually appreciate all my ex has put me through. Because of her I feel like nothing can hurt me anymore, because of all I've been through. I know now no matter what I survive and move on.

That however is not why I'm posting today. I'm asking for insight on my latest roller coaster ride with my ex BPD girlfriend. For background we have broken up 4 times including this one, usually staying together 5-6 months then 2-3 month break up then repeat. We have done this for almost 2 and a half years. Our last break up was the worst she said cruel and terrible things to me and we broke up. I won't go into detail because that's not what this post is about.

Another piece of info is after our break up I never took down the profile pic of us on Facebook until two days ago. After we broke up I reached out 3 weeks later to try to get belongings she shut it down and said no. 3 weeks ago she liked an old photo of us on Instagram that I had. That is all the contact that has occurred since our break up 3 months ago.

I chose to finally change my profile picture two days ago. Two days later she liked my new photo of me with the heart. She soon after texted me. Wanting to know why I took so long, implying I was dating other people, making a few sexual comments, flirting, etc. I took this as another 3 month break up and here she comes again. But things changed we were texting until 2 am today and at the end of the conversation she took a turn. She said she had quit drinking but what she was saying usually didn't happen until she was drunk. She claimed to have been heartbroken from our break up even though it was her doing and made her usual excuses all which I figured would happen. I told her I wanted to be on good terms and she sent me a message that has completely confused me. It confuses because it doesn't make sense with all her photo liking, reaching out to me, flirting, etc. so i wanted to see what you all thought. Here is what she last texted, and also for reference it is mostly not true and a skewed point of view making me out to be the bad guy, so why reach out and like photos to end up with this? Anyways she says... .

"I'm going to sleep. But to end on a interesting note. Because of you, I will not date anyone else until the boys are out of high school. I won't do this all again. That's if I'm even interested.
We won't interact after this. -My mother hates you. Because of how you never paid her back. You drove a wedge between her and I because of that damn money. Something so stupid. -And you couldn't commit to moving in and give me any security. That I didn't want to be with you anymore. I am angry with you. But at least now I can get over it."

Can anyone tell me why she went through 3 months no contact to liking my photos to texting me to flirting with me and telling me she stalked me was heartbroken to sending this message? Thanks for the feedback.

Hi KarmasReal, it sounds like the same old push/pull dynamic to me and the idealizing/devaluing cycle. She may have been remembering you fondly, had a moment when she wanted to reach out, or maybe needed soothing so she 'liked' your photos and started flirting with you. Your responding to her may then have triggered her fears and off she went into devaluation mode and pushed you away again. I’m sorry, it’s brutal and I remember it well. She’s also clearly still keeping tabs on you. I’ve read that pwBPD don’t like letting go of their ‘attachments’ as it’s painful. Did she manage to draw you in again?

Mmmmm. I might be completely wrong, and I might be overthinking my interpretation of her text.

But I see it as a possible subtle challenge for you to prove yourself to her.

I read the messages as either:

- I am now abandoning you (therefore I am in control of my feelings here),
- I am now devaluing you, having been triggered, and/or
- oh, yeh... .if you really want me, prove it ! It was an invite to fight for her and boost her ego.

Perhaps ask yourself - do you really want to be with someone who behaves like this?

Best case scenario: She was missing you, painted you white again, idealised you, contacted you and wanted to re-engage. But when you responded and you got a little closer to her after the texting/flirting, she got "cold feet" to use an old fashioned term and that triggered her fear of engulfment and so she has painted you black again, and then pushed you away so that she can regain control of herself and by extrapolation, of you too and so wants no more contact with you.

Until the next time, when the cycle starts all over again. 

Worst case scenario: This was a manipulation from the very beginning, she wanted attract your attention, to bring you closer, engage in some harmless texting and flirting to boost her own ego and then  slam the door shut when she had extracted all she wanted to and then close down the engagement and reassert her control over you and end in the "one-up" position in the relationship. Giving her another huge ego boost... .at your expense.

Until the next time, when the cycle starts all over again.

Agree with all above.  As you note, KarmasReal, it's a roller coaster.  Maybe she was throwing you a bone to see if you were still on the line?  Based on the history of your r/s, I am wondering why you briefly considered re-engaging with her?  Suggest you be careful before dipping your toe back in the toxic waters.

LJ