BPDFamily.com

I haven't posted in awhile. I feel like a veteran of BPD relationships and these boards. I'm doing well in life, I actually appreciate all my ex has put me through. Because of her I feel like nothing can hurt me anymore, because of all I've been through. I know now no matter what I survive and move on.

That however is not why I'm posting today. I'm asking for insight on my latest roller coaster ride with my ex BPD girlfriend. For background we have broken up 4 times including this one, usually staying together 5-6 months then 2-3 month break up then repeat. We have done this for almost 2 and a half years. Our last break up was the worst she said cruel and terrible things to me and we broke up. I won't go into detail because that's not what this post is about.

Another piece of info is after our break up I never took down the profile pic of us on Facebook until two days ago. After we broke up I reached out 3 weeks later to try to get belongings she shut it down and said no. 3 weeks ago she liked an old photo of us on Instagram that I had. That is all the contact that has occurred since our break up 3 months ago.

I chose to finally change my profile picture two days ago. Two days later she liked my new photo of me with the heart. She soon after texted me. Wanting to know why I took so long, implying I was dating other people, making a few sexual comments, flirting, etc. I took this as another 3 month break up and here she comes again. But things changed we were texting until 2 am today and at the end of the conversation she took a turn. She said she had quit drinking but what she was saying usually didn't happen until she was drunk. She claimed to have been heartbroken from our break up even though it was her doing and made her usual excuses all which I figured would happen. I told her I wanted to be on good terms and she sent me a message that has completely confused me. It confuses because it doesn't make sense with all her photo liking, reaching out to me, flirting, etc. so i wanted to see what you all thought. Here is what she last texted, and also for reference it is mostly not true and a skewed point of view making me out to be the bad guy, so why reach out and like photos to end up with this? Anyways she says... .

"I'm going to sleep. But to end on a interesting note. Because of you, I will not date anyone else until the boys are out of high school. I won't do this all again. That's if I'm even interested.
We won't interact after this. -My mother hates you. Because of how you never paid her back. You drove a wedge between her and I because of that damn money. Something so stupid. -And you couldn't commit to moving in and give me any security. That I didn't want to be with you anymore. I am angry with you. But at least now I can get over it."

Can anyone tell me why she went through 3 months no contact to liking my photos to texting me to flirting with me and telling me she stalked me was heartbroken to sending this message? Thanks for the feedback.

I doubt she "plotted" to do it.

Likely explanation is that as you texted she started to feel closer... .which stirred up some feelings.  Then she started ruminating on the r/s and swung back and forth from good to bad.

The longer the texted went on (sounds like a long time)... .the swings got more extreme.  Until finally... .poof... .it came out.

We'll never know for sure, but I'll put my money on this explanation.

FF

Hi KarmasReal,

One of the criteria for the diagnosis of borderline personality disorder is: "a pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation."


Each time you've broken up and got back together is an expression of this "pattern of unstable and intense" relationships. When she devalued you, she painted you black - and in her mind you were "always" bad for her.  But when she idealizes you, she forgets all the devaluation and in her mind (at that point) she has "always" loved you.

The truth is that there has been nothing constant in how she has felt about you.  She has been wholly dependent on her disorder to determine if she chooses to stay with you or chooses no longer to stay with you.  And that she has and will continue to *alternate* between these two states is part of this disorder.


During that 3 months of no contact with you, she was probably devaluing you during that time.  It is also possible that during that time she was idealizing someone else.  It is a "pattern of interpersonal relationship*s*" And when she starts devaluing someone else, then it is possible for her to start idealizing you *again*.

She wasn't heartbroken during the 3 months of no contact.  You do not maintain no contact with someone towards whom you feel heartbroken about when it was you who initiated the break up in the first place. Do not trust her words.  Trust her actions.

Best wishes,

Schwing

Paraphrasing your question... .

"I got a message from her that was reasonable, caring, hateful, judgmental, reflecting significant change and personal growth [which is unlikely to be sustained], and a few other things.

Which one does she really mean, and did she really mean the toxic and hateful things from our breakup too?"

Answer: She doesn't just feel or think ONE thing about you. And if she does, it may last three months, or as long as it takes her to type or say a sentence about it, and then be replaced something completely different when she gets to the next one!

Don't expect her to resolve into something that would seem sane or consistent to you. This chaotic mixed message is who she is. Accept her at face value.