BPDFamily.com

I have been married to my husband for 15 years, we have two kids, and he has show BPD traits since we were dating. I didn't know what it was at the time, although I knew he had a history with depression and one suicide attempt in high school. Over the years, he has progressively gotten worse with several inpatient psych stays, lots of self-harm, and one major suicide attempt. He has been, and is currently, in therapy and classes, and he is much better than he was when every day was a worry and he exhibited acute symptoms regularly. Even though he is much more regulated than he has been in the past, the constant low-level symptoms are exhausting and anxiety-producing. I am not attracted to him, and I'm questioning whether or not I still love him. Even though the kids love their dad, they are scared to tell him things about schoolwork or chores because they are afraid he will get "mad" at them. I spend much of my emotional energy on making sure he's okay and running interference between him and the kids. I have read Stop Walking on Eggshells and, while I have learned a lot about communication, the problems persist. I feel stuck, and I don't know what to do about it. Every day I wonder if this will be the day that he falls apart again, and I can't see how I can handle doing this for the next 40 years.

I can totally relate to your pain.  i have been married now 16 years to my wife and even though she has become more functional in her own life it has not transferred over to our relationship.  She has gone from a suicidal, self mutilating hermit that would rarely leave her room to a moderately functioning person but none the less she had in no way started to work on a relationship with me. 
I decided to get divorced once I saw that she is never ever going to be able to have a relationship with me.  This is the basis of marriage and if it is not there then what are we doing together?  I gave to her in every way that I could.  It was the most difficult decision i have ever made but now that I am moving forward with it I see so clearly that it was the best thing that I have ever done. 
I would suggest thinking about what a marriage is really supposed to be about and see if there is any hope in having even part of that.  Then you will have more clarity as to whether or not you can stay with your husband.

May you have the courage you need to go in which ever direction you choose.

Welcome Arwen22:   

I'm sorry for the situation with your husband.  It's easy to understand that it is exhausting and anxiety-producing for you. I'm glad he is in therapy and classes, and that he is doing much better.  How old are your children?


What low-level symptoms are you dealing with?  What would you likely be dealing with if he "falls apart again"?  If you are able to share some examples, perhaps we can suggest some specific skills/techniques that might be helpful.

  Is it possible for you to get some therapy to discuss things and explore your options?

If you go to the large green band at the top of the page, you will find a "tools" menu.  That can be a good place to start checking out some tools.  Perhaps you may have read about some of them in "Stop Walking on Egg Shells".  The lessons on Boundaries and Don't Invalidate can be a good starting place.

We look forward to hearing more of your story.

Take care