BPDFamily.com

My significant other  has BPD traits and it is having a negative effect on our relationship. How do I cope with the mood swings, splitting, black and white perspective, being adored and then pushed away and punished.

*welcome*

I'm sorry for what you're going through but glad you have found a community where many of us have been through similar experiences, and we can learn from each other.

I think a good way to start is to tell us about yourself - whatever you are comfortable telling us - and about the person you are referring to.  What is the current status of your relationship?

What happened recently to bring your here?

Keep posting - it is very therapeutic, and you will be greeted by so many people with circumstanced similar to your own. You will be amazed. Take care of yourself.

It takes a lot of strength to not be emotionally injured by these kinds of behaviors. I know it's tough

What do you usually do when your SO splits you black, engages in push/pull?

This probably won't work for everyone, but I've had a number of such relationships, and have found some ways of dealing with it.

Let me start by saying that it doesn't actually eliminate the mood swings, nor does it completely get rid of the pushing away, but it severely minimises the getting painted black; which usually results in a fairly quick reconciliation, or at worst a friendship where you're treated with respect.

The key I've found is to do everything in your power to avoid being painted too white in the first place. If she pours on the praise, tell her she's misunderstood you, and that you're really not that much of a nice guy. If she starts to adore you, then treat it a little dismissively. If she declares undying love for you, then by all means return it, but never quite as enthusiastically. The more white she paint you, the deeper the black when things turn bad, but if you can keep yourself off white, then at worse you get painted a bit grey, which tends to quickly pass.

Basically, idealistion is about her creating an image of you in her mind of perfection, which no one can live up to. People fall for it though, because it's incredibly flattering to be to told that you're everything a person wants. The problem is that you're not, and never were, it was just a delusion on her part. The minute she realises that, then she feels utterly disappointed, and in some ways it's easy to see why. She says your perfect, you soak it up and do nothing to disabuse her of that notion, and so when she see's you're not, in her own way she feels betrayed.

That's why splits are often angry, not because she's crazy and irrational, but because you accepting her idealisation, and then not being able to live up to it, looks like you deceived her in her eyes. To her, accepting all the nice things she says about you, however unrealistic, is exactly the same as you telling her that you're this perfect individual, and so when you turn out to be imperfect, you're a liar. It's why they get resentful, even if they're the one doing the dumping, because to them they feel like the one being dumped, because they feel you've betrayed their trust.

However, if you keep denying the adoration, and highlighting your flaws, then no matter how white she wants to paint you, she can never portray you dishonest in your presentation, and so can't quite get to paint you black.

It also makes it harder for her to push you away. She'll still do it, but it's much harder for her to do if you don't react, and she feels like she's the one who has to always pull you in. Put it this way, the most unstable and uncomfortable state for her is stability; and her comfort zone is either pushing you away, or pulling you in. So, if you want to minimise the former, make sure she mostly has to do the latter. You have to balance it though, in other words you have to be just enough in reach and attainable, but never quite caught.