BPDFamily.com

A year ago my borderline ex and I tried to get back together (after divorcing 3 years earlier).
I decided I couldn't handle the condition and broke off the relationship after a few months. Ever since she's been in a tail spin.
She ended up suicidal in the hospital in the fall and is now off work long term. She won't let go of the relationship and spends most of her time trying to get my attention and manipulate me into doing things with her. (We have shared custody of a 12yr old, so I have to interact with her).

She's just sent me a bunch of texts with scans of messages I'd written during the attempted reunion. She wants to know why I gave up, what she did that was so horrible, was I lying when I said I wanted to try the relationship again, etc, etc.

I've explained my position more than once. When I mention BPD as an issue she refused to acknowledge it.
She keeps asking again because she doesn't like the answer.

What do I do? Do I just ignore these latest messages? Do I respond saying I've already explained?

It's up to you.  :)o you want to keep banging your head against the wall and expecting her to change? Or do you maybe want to grieve, heal, move forward, and then find somebody that doesn't threaten to kill themselves?  It's nice to be wanted (today) but I think you know the answer. Take the higher road and move on.

Also, I like your user name.  Like Dionysius, I'm looking for an honest man (woman) too.

best of luck.

Hi Dionysius   

Well done deciding the future of the relationship for yourself in spite of trying again.

I understand it's upsetting when being pursued by someone that you're uncertain about, or don't want to be in an intimate relationship with. Some pwBPDs have difficulties letting go of relationships, ceasing attention, and ceasing manipulative things.


I think this is good because you've arrived at what's a workable idea. I think this will work. If you've explained your position, and it's good enough for you, why should your position change? Moreover, should it change because she doesn't like the answer?

Do you feel a need to justify yourself with something new every time she asks you the same thing? Do you feel she's entitled to an answer she's happy with?

Thanks for the reply.

I feel that there's no point trying to "reason" with someone who isn't really interested in what you have to say.
I think she only wants confirmation of her own internal narrative.
I've always focused on stating that "I" was not able to continue, without laying blame.
I really just don't want to engage in a circular argument that goes nowhere. I won't be able to control what she hears and understands.

It's like she has a sixth sense. Whenever I start actively trying to meet someone new, she becomes more needy, more desperate, more difficult.

I feel like I need to remain firm and forward looking .

Nice development, I agree with a lot of what you've said.

Yes, there's very little that can come from a rational discussion with someone who isn't interested in reasoning.

Yes, often we do want confirmation of internal narratives. Sometimes people aren't aware that this is the only thing they want from others.

I think your focus on stating "I" is a good choice because it reminds both you and her of whom the person that's making decisions actually is. It helps with any enmeshment issues too.

I have a good understanding of the strife with circular arguments. Well done in staying out of them.

When we meet someone new, ex partners are probably going to get less attention. Less attention to a pwBPD can hurt more than normal people. Acting out can include neediness, desperation, and difficulty. My ex threw heaps of tantrums. That was really hard for me.

Yes, I encourage you to remain firm and forward looking. Recognise that like your handling of her difficult behaviour, you may need to handle her more when you are giving her less attention. That is, you may need to handle her more when you are actively trying to meet someone new. Please do see that handling her doesn't mean you actually give her more attention. It's recognising that she'll want more attention, then choosing how you move from there.

It gets easier. Sometimes they devalue you (sometimes described as "paint you black", then cut their ties emotional tie to you. Then they will cease seeking you to fill their needs. I hope you'll recognise that and be compassionate with how you discontinue your dialogues with her.

Communicating with "I" statements is good. pwBPD suffer from a core sense of shame.  While it may be valid from our point of view to highlight "you did this" or "you have BPD" it may not be fruitful.  Have you seen this?

Don't "JADE" (justify, argue, defend, explain) (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=139972.0;all)

You want to detach or extricate yourself from the shadow of the relationship,  and she's hanging on.  Given the suicide ideation resulting in hospitalization, and currently a low functioning state,  this is hard,  harder still with a child.  pwBPD can see the world in black and white, all or nothing.  Can you work to wean her from her dependence upon you? It will probably take baby steps asserting boundaries,  enforcing that you won't do certain things,  though it will be hard not to feel like she'll go into a severe tailspin if you don't do this or that to begin with.  If you had to start small,  what would this look like?