BPDFamily.com

Hello Everyone.
My daughter used to LOVE baths when she was a little girl... i couldnt get her out of a bathtub and in fact she used to ask for a bath when she was bored.
Now she is 14 and since she was 10 years old i seem to have more and more trouble getting her to take a shower, or to shave her armpits, use deodorant, brush her teeth or even wear clean clothes.
Is this a normal BPD trait?

Hi Smom

Yes. Personal hygiene and/or general hygiene is a problem for some. 

As a teenager by BPDs was very clean in himself but he started to hoard and his room got terrible. Choice of clothes is interesting too. He kept being mistaken for a homeless person for a while; the string as a belt contributed! He is a lot better than he was but his room is still as bad as it was.  He can't part with things. He is really really particular about his cleanliness, teeth brushing to the extreme, and food additives. Yet he has addictive tendencies that contradict.

His brain is so busy all the time, he has no space to see the dirt. It's just not in his radar.

This subject is a recurring theme on the forum.

LP

my xBPD girlfriend (45) only bathed once a week, even when she knew I was coming to stay, she was unclean and didn't seem to care, although her choice of clothes and general appearance was well cared for, her personal hygiene standards and washing her clothes were poor. I've never been sure if this was down to BPD or just being too mean/tight to pay out what it cost.

My 13 year old daughter is the same way. Won't brush her teeth for weeks if we let her and it's a fight to get her to bathe. She is obsessed with makeup and hair being done just right, but couldn't care less about her teeth or having BO.

Same with my GF. She's always been paralyzed, at least motivation wise, by the depression and/or dysphoria, and even when she does get up to go out, she cares more about cosmetic stuff than hygiene. Well, showers and laundry, anyway--with her teeth and face-washing, she's fine--she flosses, brushes with whitening paste, wears her invisalign retainer (but not nearly enough), gets her teeth cleaned every 4-6 months and takes her makeup off before bed. She always does feel proud of herself when she's able to shower, shave and wash her hair, though. When she has the money she'll get botox and fillers, and I know she's had her nose done and got lipo that she did not need (dr. took advantage of her anorexia and other mental illnesses just to make money).

Hi there everybody

My BPDs had some horrendous clothes choices. It reached the point that I put the really awful items in a suitcase and stored them away. When he asked about them I just played dumb, as he was so untidy he was unsure if he'd lost them. I would criticise his choices, his smell.  This is NOT the right thing to do!

This whole thing is about teaching them taking responsibility for themselves in a way that they don't feel criticised.  For them to live successfully independently we have to find a way forwards so they work towards this slowly.

I think teeth cleaning is the most important. Then comes soap and water on the body. This is health.

Underarm hair is a personal choice (not everybody shaves but I know is the social norm), as is deodorant and choice of clothes. This is social.

How do you approach getting your kids to brush their teeth and shower?

Do you agree with my view on priorities?

I failed on the teeth with my youngest, he's better since having three fillings on his back molars. I was devastated. He learnt that teeth don't go one by one, if there's a problem in his mouth then is affects all his teeth. Consequences.

Washing. I buy products just for my sons. The facial wash is fancy organic tea tree stuff. I change the toothpaste brand. I tell them, It makes them feel special, they know I've thought about them. They think the products will help them in some way. Importantly, It tempts them in the bathroom.

I didn't make my kids wash their hands before a meal after about the age of 10. This maybe was a mistake. It would have been a simple and easy way of demonstrating that cleanliness is healthy.

I try and remember:  what is usual then becomes normal.  Health isn't something that we let slip.  If something isn't working then we change our approach,

LP

My BPD son is very clean. When he's in one episode, his room is ok, otherwise, it's super clean. He dresses nice and has excellent hygiene. I actually think he tends a little to OCD.
My daughter is also BPD. She still needs to work some issues, but her symptoms are not as bad as her brother's. But when it comes to her room, wow, it's a war zone. I think it reflects how she feels inside, as she's made some bad decisions and now she's dealing with the consequences.

Hi SammysMom

Introducing interesting products as LP says may help your young DD move forwards in self care.  While my 28DD does not have issues with bathing she (along with many young girls and women) LOVES Lush natural products. https://uk.lush.com/  (https://uk.lush.com/) My 28DD uses the bath bombs for self soothing and being mindful (it's part of her toolbox that works for her managing her disorder), and this citrus massage bar is a favourite of ours https://uk.lush.com/products/each-peach-and-twos-pair (https://uk.lush.com/products/each-peach-and-twos-pair).  They are really fun products and we can share positive conversations around well-being.
Have you tried candles in the bathroom?

WDx

Those products are a great idea, however Sammy is not able to take baths due to a health skin issue that she has had since she was 5 yrs old.
However, getting her a few things for the shower is an awesome idea.
I have found that since she started her med's for aggression about a month ago, she has finally been starting to be more aware of her personal hygiene.
She actually took a shower yesterday, without any prodding... .she just got up and did it, which i was very proud of her for.

Gee well done to your daughter  *), it'll be a relief to her to have showered under her own steam, the sense of accomplishment goes far. It's so hard for them when they are in the thick of it, glad you are seeing some progress with the recent meds. Having a skin condition is tough, I hope the shower products are ok for her.  What also works for my DD's self care-wellbeing is gentle colour mood lighting and aroma therapy anything that touches the senses is worth exploring, being creative helps, if it's not working a change of approach can.

WDx

That's hard if she has health/skin issues.

My S15 had no interest in hygiene and has powerful BO.

I started to wash his clothes on the sanitary cycle, found the most powerful laundry detergent (for stinky gym clothes), and began using Febreze in his room. At my prompting he regularly washes his sheets and blankets on the sanitation cycle and cleans his room (I kinda have to hover for this to get done).

And I put a mirror in his shower that had a thing hanging on it with steps for washing.

But other than my small attempts, S15 did not take even a remote interest in his hygiene until his pdoc got him on the right dose of anti-depressant.

For years, teachers and guidance counselors mentioned his BO and I tried to gently raise the issue. Finally, a year ago, I just upright told him that his pediatrician and a teacher at school asked if he was using soap in the shower and deodorant, and that if he was and it wasn't working, there were other things we could try.

Bit of a firestorm, that.

On a side note, one thing I learned (to my surprise) is that people who sweat profusely use botox to paralyze the parasympathetic nervous system. It's expensive! $1000 USD and it lasts 9 months or so, but apparently it is the most effective thing to cut back sweating.

I learned this when I took S14 to see a dermatologist -- instead of shaming S15 about his BO, I tried to focus on solutions even tho the cheapest and easiest thing was to just wash and use deodorant  

The dermatologist handled things really well and kind of validated S15 while also suggesting some of these extreme measures that S15 did not want to do. I think all the attention and some of the drastic measures compelled him to take a bit more care with his hygiene.