BPDFamily.com

Recently there was a small glimmer of hope with my upwBPD.

The subject of getting therapy for her  'emotional problems' was broached by HER after a significant blow out.  But that was a few weeks ago and the glimmer gets smaller every day.

The problem is I have no idea where to go to who I should speak to? Whereas she talked about this in a moment of clarity and she did propose there was a problem specifically with her emotional control and that she was the one who needed help, she's not one hundred percent committed to this concept. She wants to start with us going to therapy together.  Whereas in principle I'm okay with this, as far as I understand it actual 'couples therapy' can be detrimental to a relationship where BPD is involved.  I have read that it can deflect attention away from where it is required and provide ammunition and justification for the pwBPDs mood fluctuations and rages.  Does anyone have an experience with this?

It seems to me that a sensible route in would be couples therapy but with someone who specialises in BPD.  I have no idea where to go for this, how to arrange it, if its something we can do on the NHS and how I can do this before her sense of perspective has reset to 0?  If anyone has had any success getting their partners into therapy in the UK, or any advice n expediting the process I'd love to hear your thoughts.

Hi nomotime,

*welcome*

I'm glad you reached out and understand your confusion about where to start. I'm glad to hear that your girlfriend is open to getting therapy. That is a positive sign right there. I don't have experience going to couples therapy in the UK, or know of any specialists in BPD, but I did find this guide from a UK organization (NICE (https://www.nice.org.uk) = National Institute for Health and Care Excellence) that is very comprehensive about the treatment of BPD.

Perhaps you can find some resources in it?:

BPD: Treatment and Management (https://www.nice.org.uk/guidance/cg78/evidence/BPD-full-guideline-242147197)

How are things going since you posted this?

Keep writing, it helps to share. We're here to support you.

heartandwhole

Hello nomotime

I'm in London and my 28DD was diagnosed BPD at our local NHS Mental Health Centre July 2015 after a number of hospitalisations, overdoses and cutting earlier that year. DD was put on the waiting list for DBT which formally commenced May last year.  As the waiting list was so long and people in great need the health centre put on an additional DBT skills group to bridge the gap (no therapy available) and DD was invited to join December 2016. DD has almost completed a year in DBT and three med changes, life is calm and recovery is small gentle steps.

My advice to you is to see your GP and explain your situation and ask them what the process is for when your GF decides she wants help and gain any advice and local knowledge of the services near to you. This is the process: GF attends GP and GP refers her for a mental health assessment at your local centre (ours is attached to our local hospital) and is referred for appropriate treatment/therapy, probably a long waiting list ... .its worth the wait! Your GP is there for you too, have you considered asking for support to help you work through this, counselling maybe available.  If your GF sees you care about the relationship and are prepared to 'work on yourself' it may give her the confidence to move forwards too?

I've no idea if couples therapy is detrimental but what you say sounds most likely, this is not about the relationship it's about BPD.  My personal view is if someone is suffering from BPD (or any mental health issue) they need to take on their responsibility to get well and learn the skills to help them to live their life the best they can.

Hope that helps you.

WDx

Hi,
Me and my husband went to couples therapy after 1 year of marriage. At that time he wasn't diognosed with BPD... .even though he had recieved a diognosis of it in the USA!
We went to relate counsellor ... .big mistake... .
He lied, he shouted, he walked out, it was all very one sided and I was made out to be the issue... .obviously the counsellor didn't know how to proceed.
I think you should be able to be signposted to therapy for your SO for DBT which is what my husband has been doing for 8-9 months now.
I think what the other person said is right which is they need to take some responsibility for their own actions/feelings.

Something that might be useful... .if you have had a HELL of a time yourself because of your SO illness you could think about some therapy for yourself with a counsellor that specialises in BPD... .I am currently thinking about this as I need to talk about some of the stuff I have been through and out through... .for my own sanity... .I have been thinking that maybe a counsellor who specialises in this area may be best to help me work through this process

Just a thought

Hi all,

I'm very relieved to see some replies here.  Thank you very much for taking the time.  Your advice is much appreciated. Thanks for the information re. NICE and suggestions of seeking help via the GP.  And yes, Hulu that certainly sounds like a positive idea for your sanity and health.  It makes sense to speak to someone who would understand exactly the patterns of behaviour that you have had to cope with.

Unfortunately on this end there's been a bit of backsliding.  The subject did actually come up again, with positive intent on her behalf to take action but since then we've had a couple more episodes of "I'm normal, you're a psychopath who drives people insane" - not in response to a conversation about therapy, but in response to boundary reinforcement in these cases my attempt to excuse myself from a conversation on the brink of spiralling out.

She's is talking about therapy again but going back to the old "Lets both go so I can explain myself" ie.  there's nothing wrong with me and I need to tell a therapist how its all your fault.

I wouldn't mind seeing a counsellor on my own, but I don't want her taking that as justification for her behaviours either.  She's teetering on the edge at the moment of acknowledging and embracing her need for help and, you know... not and I'm cautious about potentially adding fuel to the 'not' pile :/

In regard to my own well-being, I'm coping okay at the moment.  She's 'high functioning' which means nobody has a clue what's going on except myself and parents (and I assume her exes), which is a little isolating.  I don't like to talk to friends about it as I don't like to put her in a negative light in their eyes.  But I don't really take much to heart of what she says when she's dysregulated and I feel more on top of my boundaries right now.    My concerns really revolve entirely around our son. I used to feel resentment when she raged or pulled me into inescapable conflicts.  I allowed myself to be provoked and respond in unhelpful ways but I've been able to clarify for myself more now that there's an illness at play and its helped me maintain perspective.  Still, resentment has been replaced with sadness and frustration that I can't create an emotionally safe environment for my son.

Trying to navigate conflicts is still challenging and often exhausting but I guess its just started to feel like 'part of the job' as it were. But I'm terrified of the effect this is going to have as our LO starts to understand what's happening, when his mum's having wild mood swings and blaming everything under the sun on me, or trashing the house because I can't help her find her bag when I'm on the work phone.  How can that not take its toll? And do I need to worry that similar treatment lies in his future?  What on earth can I do about it, to make this situation better for him if she never does make the full commitment accepting and taking responsibility for her problems?

Maybe I'm getting off-topic a little.  Just wish the process was a little simpler.  I know she needs to want help and to accept the requirement for it, but it seems that sometimes she does, and I just want to grab her the moment she has a moment of clarity and whip her straight off to DBT, so its in her sphere of truth.

Anyway, thanks again folks.  Hope you're all doing well and taking care of yourselves.

Thanks.