BPDFamily.com

I am really having a hard time... .The more time passes I sink more than I progress... .

I had a ltr with my exBPDgf for 5 months and its now been 5 months since we ended.

I received a few emails from her for the first month or so which I didn't respond and then in xmas I caved and sent her a simple merry xmas email - which then led to a "can we check in on each other there hasn't been a day I haven't thought of you" thing...
Then in January we would talk/text for a few weeks but I suspected she was seeing someone and kinda called her on it so poof she was gone... .A few text regarding a check and last contact was 2/15 started under the guise of did you get that check (which I'm sure she didn't mail) to which I said no and not much else... .That then prompted a "what the hell did you want from me etc... " to which she became insulting to me... .

for me... .any contact negative or positive in nature from her - gave me a boost... .At least if she thought about me i mattered...

So onto my obsessing -
1.  I created fake FB so I can check hers which I do many times a day - although all I can see if her profile pic and friends list.  - she took down her FB about a week ago
2.  I check daily tarot cards to see "what she is feeling"
3.  I go to this ask the magic eight ball many times a day and ask Is she thinking of me, will I hear from her, is she hurting...   over and over again...

This week I really tortured myself... .I listened to her on the radio... .trying to see if there was anything I could detect in her voice that she wasn't ok... .  She was flawless.

I am on an online site and she is as well... .The other day i saw her updated pic - she looks amazing... .

So here is where I sit with myself... .
I feel pathetic
I thinks she is stronger and healthier than me... .
I will never have a good as her again
She will be fine and I will remain destroyed.
I am weak
I'm now having panic attacks

I am in therapy and have been since October (when we broke)... .but I'm isolating more and more... .
I read these boards constantly and while I find comfort in the shared experiences I am terrified when I read that people are still struggling months and years out...

Once upon a time... I was an amazing person, happy, stable, bright, successful, funny attractive and kind...

I am still these things on the outside... .inside I am a mess... .

I hate what I have allowed myself to become... .I hate that I need her to be messed up for me to feel better...

I know she isn't ok... .the behaviors I experienced when we were together... .Massive panic attacks, dissociation, rage, bulimic, and self injuring... and then paranoia  (asked me a few times... .are you recording this conversation?)
But in my dark times I still envy and think she is better and that she was right to treat me and dump me... I mean look at what a loser I am that I obsess over this person who is so obviously not ok...

and then I think about how wonderful I initially felt with her... Everything I had ever wanted - some things I didn't even let myself know I wanted - she provided...   I don't think I'll find that again and perhaps that isn't something "real"  but I let her hold me... .I let myself trust that for the first time in about 15 years...

I still ache for that so much... .