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Background.  I told D4 to do something simple and... .like 4 year olds do sometimes... .she said no.  I placed her on the couch in time out... .she cried.  Simple... normal parenting thing.  Happens all the time.

Within one minute of D4 crying my wife swoops in and is hugging her... .it will be alright... what happened to my baby.  I asked her to hold off until discipline was over... .she tossed out attitude and I asked her to speak privately... .which... .to her credit... .she did. 

There was lots of head tossing and harrumphing that I ignored.  In private she tried to make it seem like I was asking her NEVER TO HUG her child again... .and she did say that I was being sinful in my request.  I asked for a reference... .she said it wasn't her job to provide a reference... .I should know when I'm sinning.  Again... .I dropped it... .didn't pursue further.

The good thing is... .we exited privacy and my wife respected my request... .    |iiii

The rest really doesn't matter.  I sent her the following email.  P has been trying to teach me to be "softer"... .  I hope you can see that... .  :)

I appreciate you guys... .email below.

FF



FF wife,

I'm sure you can agree that clear communication is critical to the success of our joint role as parents.

It means a lot to me that we were able to speak privately about our differences regarding discipline of D4 today.  Thank you.

My view:

When one of us puts a child in timeout, I believe it is a normal (and desirable) thing that the child would be upset about receiving discipline.  I'm sure you would agree it is important for our children to experience the natural and logical consequences of their disobedience, to include experiencing a wide range of emotions. 

My request of you today was to coordinate with me first before hugging and doing anything to comfort D4.  I believe it is especially important that the parent not giving out the discipline NOT be seen as a "rescuer" of the child in distress due to discipline.  I'm sure that was not your intention today, but I believe it likely that D4 saw it that way.

I would hope in the future that if a child reaches out to either of us for "rescue" that we express confidence in the child's ability to work through their emotions and calm themselves... .and direct them back to whichever parent has handed out a consequence.

Clarity:

My request of you to refrain from hugging D4  (or other children) is limited to the situation where I have given out a consequence.  I certainly DO hope that you continue your wonderful abilities to comfort a child in distress from all other life circumstances.

I am open to speak privately about my motivations and methods.  As you are aware, many different parenting methods achieve similar results.  I'm open to different methods.   My concern is not so much the method, but that we are seen by our children as a parental team, consistently using the same method(s).

I would like to hear your thoughts about how we could parent more consistently and effectively. 

If I understood your words correctly, you seemed to indicate that you thought my parenting methods or request of you was sinful.  Did I hear that correctly?   

I certainly want you to have adequate time to think through your response.  Can you respond to this email by Wednesday evening, March 29th?  We should have adequate time after our trip to discuss things without our normal time pressures.


Love,

FF

  I think  above is all you need to say it validates the desired behavior.  To me when you add the rest of becomes like a "but" and becomes invalidating and JADY (if that's a word?) I think less is more here.                 

I'm with Panda here in that less is more.  Could even whittle that down to:

I agree. The shorter version is more loving.

When you get into setting a time/dadline, it sounds controlling and "military officer-ish." I'd tell my Army officer hubbie that we'd talk in my own good sweet time, thank you very much... .

Hey FF,

Yes there are times that less is more (your advice) on many occasions but in this situation IMO you laid it out well.
From raising 4 children with my first wife of 25 years I believe that we failed to do what you are trying to accomplish with your communication here.

We raised wonderful children but we could have been on the same page more often if we would have tried different methods of communication.

Your email gives your wife the opportunity to think on her response to your concerns and you are open to listening to her ideas.

To answer your question, Sounds good to me! |iiii

You could even shorten it further... .why do you have to bring the issue up with her again?

She was reasonably gracious in only blasting over your parenting decisions just for a moment, then backed down when you explained the issue. Does she really need a gold star for this?

I mean, I trust you already thanked her at the time, and one of my rules (for myself!) was never to bring up a prior dysregulation incident if I didn't have to, not wanting to buy unneeded trouble!

 
No... .didn't really say it at the time... .she was flinging words... .suggesting sin... .blather blather... .

I have no interest is pushing the sin point... or anything else (unless she wants to discuss it further).

The point I do want to push... .hopefully agree on... .is letting a child experience their consequence with out being "rescued".

And... perhaps secondarily... .if one of us comes breezing in the house... and see's a crying child next to a composed... but perhaps disinterested parent (ignoring the child so the child can sort through things)... .what is a reasonable expectation of communication before "rescue".

Perhaps another way of saying this... .the only issue out of that entire email that I need to "win" ... ."go to the matt" on is "rescue".

Supposedly she is supposed to reply by tonight... .I'll probably take her out for a snack and bring it up.

We just got done with a quick spring break trip... .went fairly well. 

FF

Do you feel you can get her to be more thoughtful about and change her approach to a child in similar situation in the future?

What is your goal with this communication?