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These days when I get the courage to read some old texts I now realize how much of a one sided fantasy I was living in. It actually sickens me.  I created in my own mind what she was not when there were red flags in everything she wrote that told me otherwise.

I often wonder if our own fantasy is even more dangerous than they are.  I mean had I not been living in LALA land in my head thinking she is/would be this amazing woman one day I would have NEVER let this go on for 5 darn years. Yikes!

I still do blame her don't get me wrong. And yes it's okay to blame them. I don't buy this whole notion of "it takes two to tango" when it comes to the BPD because it almost makes it seem like we are equally responsible for the horrors that they create and we are certainly not.

Anyways I just had a "I can't believe I wasted all this time with her moment" and needed to vent. But at least I know I am over her.  I went several hours today without even thinking of her and that is serious progress.

This is soo true!

I let stuff go on as long as I did because I kept buying the excuses. I really, really wanted him to be the person he was telling me was. I didn't want to acknowledge how bad his actions were. All of the writing was on the wall. I couldn't see it because I was living in my own fantasy land where he was this great guy that would step up as soon as <fill in the blank> happened. Of course, when <fill in the blank> happened, there would be another blank to fill in with something else. It only took me 18 years to wake up enough to kick him out. Oy, so many good years wasted because of my own inability to see him for who he truly is.

I think this is one of the reasons why it's so hard to give up.

They have a way of making you believe in the ultimate fantasy.

It can be hard to give that up.

ShadowA,

Politely, this was our fantasy, not theirs. We chose to believe only the words not the actions of our exes. Disordered people are impulsive and live in the moment. There is no real plan. It's like asking a four year old to tell you what there plan is for the day; it changes by the minute.

Normal people would have run for miles at the first red flag and we chose to stay. That's on us, and it's time to analyze why we think like this. We can blame our exes for much, but not for idealizing them. That's on us.

I agree Marti
I believe it is something called malignant hope that keeps us there. As I progressed through my relationship I began to see that the ending, it was inevitable. However, I tried so hard, the more I learned about BPD the more understanding I gained of the dark lonely unhappiness inside of him that made him act the way he does didn't make me love him less or more.  I was learning and trying to put into practice all the lessons I have learned from here, but to no avail. My fantasy of him being the person I thought he was at the beginning faded, slowly and painfully but I was still up for making something long term no matter how hard it would be. To me it was worth it, there is a lot to love about him outside of his BPD. Sadly this has to work two ways.
As for the red flags, its a tricky one. Red flags are for the future, I knew nothing about BPD, wouldn't have known a red flag if it slapped me in the face. I struggle now big time with the emotional aspects, am heartbroken and lonely, suffering from lack of sleep and a very stressful job and in the long cold loneliness of the night I grieve my love and my dreams not my fantasies. Have rambled a bit, hope it makes sense  :)
Love from
Sadly x