BPDFamily.com

Many people use Facebook habitually and for leisure. From the perspective of using things that feel good to compensate for pain, you could be on to something. It's been said that doing something allows one to not experience being lonely. There's nothing wrong with that--but if you can see these things in the way of the why, I think it's easier to find compassion for the other and oneself.

I think many people do the carefully crafting thing. Facebook is a social media platform. People see other people on it. If we want people to see certain things, then it makes sense to look at this. I think the majority of people--if they use Facebook--do this to some level. I think if we ask why a person is so interested in doing this--some to an obsessive level--then it can allow us to form a more accurate impression of them.

Yes, I do think that if you do look at your ex's FB site, it would serve you well to be aware that it's what the ex wants people to see at that time.

Yes! You've said that social media pages are carefully crafted images. They are things that may contribute to our want or desire. They certainly aren't likely to address the things we don't want in a partner. I do think you're also right that what's healthy for us is a conscious reminder that there are hooks in this place.   |iiii

"Facebook is just smoke and mirrors for nons and the disordered as well. It is extremely narcissistic in that it's the ultimate tool to portray that a persons life is so much better then it actually is. The more "likes" received the more believable the illusion is."

Yes, my ex is posting how great a father he is, all while filing bankruptcy and his girlfriend quit her job to do home sex toy parties... .great life! Now he finally has all the control he wanted. He tried to get me to quit my job too, he will resent it She is in for a worse hell than I had. I hate looking too, but it is interesting to see the pattern. We know the truth, juts remember that. I know my exes Mother is liking all my posts and not even liking theirs... .interesting. I am sure she is very upset with him.  She usually was.

I completely understand the urge to check their Facebook page, so I can't judge! This is one of the few areas that I've managed to stay away, and it feels like an accomplishment. Like everyone is saying, they create a certain image, but when you have feelings for someone, it can still feel hurtful. My ex was always so friendly and upbeat with everyone on Facebook, with their inside jokes, making plans to get together, shared interests, all while she was ignoring me, or treating me like I was an irritating PITA. It's still upsetting to me to think about it. She didn't want me to be jealous of other people, or clingy, or wonder if some people were more than just friends (And who wants their partner to be that way? So I felt so guilty about it), but then she created a landscape where her actions suggested that others meant more to her than I did. I couldn't take it anymore, and finally just stopped looking at her page, even while we were still talking.

I really do know better, but it still feels like the truth to me that she likes/liked these people more than me. I was the one she threw away over and over again, not them. I still can't manage not to take that one personally.

As for patterns, I did seem to notice that, when we weren't talking, she suddenly started posting more often, I'm assuming to get attention from elsewhere. I do hover over her name sometimes and see if she has new posts, and it does seem like she's been posting a lot for awhile now.

As a confession, I still haven't stopped checking to see if she's liked other people's posts. I know I shouldn't. Even Facebook knows I want to know, because it shows her name first, even though we haven't spoken in five months. I also check to see if she is still in mutual groups sometimes.

Hi All,
   I see this post I wrote last Oct has been resurrected and I must say the timing is very appropriate for what I'm currently going through.

Stalking my ex from a fake Facebook page has caused me a lot of issues and I would never do this again.

Last fall after my original post I accidentally messaged someone off my fake account. I had two accounts open and I messaged from the wrong one.

Nothing good comes of being sneaky, even if it's just for our own edification.

I'm not going to get into the long drawn out story other than I ended up lying to a co worker to save my arse. I work with my BPD ex's sister and if it got out I was monitoring her sister from a fake account I could have lost my job.

So in the process I lost my closest friend and ally at work and made myself look like a liar.
Which I was regardless of trying to protect my best interests or not. In retaliation my former friend pretty much outted me at work and slandered me so badly to my immediate co workers it was elevated to my own boss.

Nothing good comes of monitoring someone who wants nothing to do with you. We do it for us and all we are doing is torturing ourselves. We are no longer in a relationship with the person. What they do or not do is none of our business.

Facebook stalking them is no better than them stalking us and reveals our own emotional level and maturity.

I'm not calling anyone immature but we need to take a deep look at ourselves. Why does it really matter what they are doing?

We are the ones stuck. They are not, they are "moved on" with someone else.

It gets easy to blame our exes because of their disorder. They do really horrible things but WE STAYED. We allowed them to do horrible things to us and thus contributed to the dysfunctional dynamic.

The difference between a non and a disordered person is the non has a better, stronger capacity to be more aware of their actions. This is a blessing.

I'm curious: those of you reading this post, what do you take responsibility in your past relationship for? Do you see how you contributed to the dysfunctional, toxic dance? What are you doing now to get past this relationship and the hold it had on you?

i was a frequent social media checker. each time i checked, no matter how limited what i saw, id be triggered, to the point of anxiety attacks and/or endless rumination. id ask those around me to reassure me that the relationship wouldnt work out.

im sure there are good psychology based answers as to why someone would do that. for me its difficult to put into words. i only knew it was harmful for me, and i wanted to stop. it took some time, it took some self pep talk, but i did, and it helped.

i notice in threads like these, they go one of two ways (sometimes both). "your ex is posting to hurt you/for your attention". truth be told i dont know if my ex was posting for my attention (what she posted was pretty limited), but i know i was giving it freely. the other is the notion that "nothing you see is real, everyone puts on their best face on social media". nonsense. i have countless amounts of people in my feed that post nothing but "woe is me".  

it is true that social media is only a selective snapshot - that isnt the point. the point is "i have this problem with looking at, and reading into my exes social media, and it is causing me pain. what are some strategies and approaches to help me get past this self defeating behavior?"

and heres a good strategy :) : https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=74749.0

Hi
For me looking at his Facebook page was tantamount to stalking. However, I did it for a while and it brought me nothing but pain, like a child picking at a scab to see if the wound still bleeds, yes it does. So, I closed my account down and have never re opened it. The plus side of this also is not wading through reams if cr*p and odd photos of people's dinner (why do they do that)? I don't miss it at all now, so much time can be wasted on it and family and friends can always pick up the phone or email me.
Love from
Sadly x

I'm on Facebook for political info and info about music gigs. Otherwise I wouldn't bother. I see adult, intelligent friends in respected professions regressing to, (or perhaps revealing), immature need for attention. This shocks me. When I am in their presence they present as responsible adults. On FB they post pictures of their meals, dinner parties, the friends they are having coffee with, large folders of holiday photographs, pics taken from train windows.  They make facile remarks, and tick like photos of themselves drunk at parties, saying what a giggle it was.

My view - what sort of people think that the minutiae of their lives is of interest to others?

I see people ticking like and making oleaginous comments on the posts of people they have privately criticized. This is a positive because it gives me insight into potential hypocrisy.

Is this adult behaviour? Or of attention seeking children? Or insecure children?

Facebook seems to have a unique ability to tap into the narcissistic streak within most of us. But most of the participants don't seem aware of how they are revealing an inner strand of themselves.

I snooped on my exe's page and it triggered me. Not just the posts but the comments made. He's an expert user of FB. It didn't do me any good, fulminating at the carefully constructed false image but unable to say anything.

Rather than checking what they are doing, best to check with ourselves as to why it still matters to us. For me: pride, and anger at the carefully constructed mask.

Don't do it.

I'm not on Facebook and I have no intension of joining Facebook. That's just me. You go to someone's house, if there's 5 people, often all 5 have there faces burried in the phone on Facebook. One time a deck of cards gave us plenty of great entertainment and verbal engagement.

Very interesting.

This spoke to me because I have some pet topics my mind drifts to when I want to relax. Over time it's hard to logically grasp this idea of emotional "fuel", but I found that over many days, if you're mulling over something frustrating and judgments flow out of it, it uses up the emotional "fuel". That's not really an issue in itself, but it takes away focus from other valuable things that I do want to get involved with.

I like the idea of renting thought time to people we don't want as tenants. It's a quick analogy to remind us that we are actually giving people time that has a real value. It really is that we don't want to think of them.

Once you realize that it's silly to check up on these people, and that it's something they would do, you begin to want to smack yourself for torturing yourself, and you begin to realize just how lucky you are that they have another victim that isn't you...

I check on mine from time to time. The reason is it provides me with a piece of the puzzle with whats going on in her life. This is important as I have a son with her so have regular contact. It helps me to know what frame of mind she is in so helps me avoid conflict. If I didn't have a son with her she would be blocked and out of my life.

Best thing I ever did was stop checking up on ex and others on social media. Reduced my anxiety big time and has allowed me to move on in a more healthy fashion and see the big picture and stop ruminating so much. Strict NC for the right reasons is the best first step I think to freedom from your own dysfunctional traits and codependent habits.

I made a post about my friend and his grandiosity view of himself.  He never puts anything on Facebook but in his about me bit at the front this week he has put he is an actor (that parts true), a philanthropist and concupiscent and a cosmopolite of an aristocracy.  . He is a small time actor, only thinks of himself and his wants and needs and rents a room in a house.  As for being a concupiscent that's probably true as he is filled with sexual desire and lust for anything that shows him any interest.

So Facebook is definitely smoke and mirrors and a narcissists stage.