BPDFamily.com

Hi,
I need some advice.
Three and a half years ago I separated from my partner, who I now realise has very strong high functioning BPD traits - she gets a yes on almost all of them in the eggshells book, and reading the book was a revelation with 'I recognise that' and 'an, that explains... .' moments on almost every page.
I had some excellent legal advice early on - Do Not Engage, which I suspect saved me from a major confrontation early on and meant that I was able to gain 50/50 care of the children. However things are now escalating. Despite two parenting orders, my ex refuses to communicate regarding care of the children. She is making increasingly extravagant claims regarding Domestic violence (these are unfounded). She has made these allegations to the children, the family doctor, the hospital, other parents and multiple times to the police. She has made multiple calls to the police and I was briefly served with a harassment notice, that was later withdrawn. She has never sought a protection order so the allegations have never been tested in court, and there doesn't seem to be any way that I can push them in to court - although to be honest, after three years of this I feel like I and the children are the abused ones - I have not sent a single communication to her that is abusive in either tone or content, she has sent me many. The lawyers tell me that I cannot tell others that she has a mental health disorder (she has a formal diagnosis of PTSD made by a counsellor supervised by a coin psych) because if I do, that IS abuse - or can be construed as such.
In a few months we have a judicial settlement conference to try (again) to see toe the communication issue. We will attempt to bring the false allegations up, but the judge may (as at the previous mediations), refuse to address these. If we try to set boundaries as per the eggshells book, again it could be seen as abusive.
Any suggestions? Thanks drp

I'm in the earlier stages of separation and I can relate to false allegations from my BP patner. For me the allegations are getting more severe/crazy. All I can say is protect yourself by documenting everything you can. You never know if you might need it.

Any written communications keep. Possibly make it like a journal. Keep talking to your children but be very careful what you ask them as you don't wan't to make any remarks or questions that might accuse your ex partner of being a bad parent. Stay rational and objective. Just note the facts.

Look up laws regarding recording of conversations. I am in a location where its legal to record as long as I partake. If not maybe record anyway and transcribe the conversation in the journal.

I'm new to this too but this is just what I am doing. I used sms backup/restore and copied all conversations to an excel spreadsheet. Its easier to work with. Real evidence is much more powerful than here say.

Hi DRP and Welcome to bpdfamily.

Sounds like you have some type of custody agreement in place and at issue now is your xw's escalating behavior with DV allegations and failing to adhere to the communication protocol for the children. Is that correct? Can you elaborate a bit more on if you have a documented court order/parent plan and how she is failing to meet the requirements of that plan?

Regarding the false DV claims, have you documented the frequency and result of each one that the police have been involved in? It would seem worthwhile to bring it up again, but perhaps as a written record of evidence. However, from the experience on this board, family courts tend to focus on parenting behavior v. personal behavior. The judge may construe this as sniping between you and your ex. Try to portray it in the light of how it is harmful to the children. Are your children receiving therapy right now? Given the chaos of the situation between their parents, it might be a good thing for them. Again, proposing things like therapy for the children is seen as problem solving parental behavior, which the courts typically see favorably.  

Keep communications limited to written v. verbal, as much as possible and keep to BIFF (Brief, Informative, Friendly, Firm), https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=133835.0 (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=133835.0). Keep pick ups and drop offs at neutral sites (school, grocery store lot, church) to extent possible. Depending on your state laws, you may choose to record when you do interact with your xw.

Regarding boundaries, I was advised here that boundaries are neither abusive nor cruel. I think that's a hard one for most of us on these forums. My hunch is that pwBPD are attracted to people with weak boundaries, and people with weak boundaries are often co-dependent and attracted to pwBPD. All this to say, many of us on the forum have trouble differentiating boundaries as healthy v. abuse. Your boundaries don't have to invalidate your xw, but they are a part of what you value and hold as important in yourself, and as such, they are worth defending and definitely not abusive. If anything, it is a cruelty to not have boundaries (consistent, clear boundaries) with pwBPD, as they are always desperately seeking them to fill in the picture of who they are.

Others will weigh in here with a lot more experience than me. Keep posting and let us know how the settlement goes.