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I am not sure how to phrase this. The other day, ex and I had a discussion and he kept telling me that he is taking responsibility for his actions. From where I sit, he isn't. Yes, he has admitted to the things that he had done. He has said stuff like, "I realize how much I hurt you and the kids."

He is going to counseling. I am not seeing any results. (not that I see him or talk to him enough to tell) I feel like if he was truly taking responsibility for himself he would have gotten his stuff out of my house or, at the very least, come over and finished boxing up stuff. In the last year, he has packed up very little of his own stuff. When he first left, I had to clean out his room and move his stuff so I could move the rooms around. I don't want to box up the rest of his stuff and I have little hope that he will actually do it. When he got his apartment a month ago, I told him he could have a book case if he came and emptied it out. Still hasn't happened yet he keeps being so emphatic about how he is taking responsibility for things now.

He has not taken any initiative with regards to much. He says he wants to help me with stuff yet waits for me to tell him what to do. I know I am not exactly making things easy on him. I see no reason to accommodate him or make his life easier. When I think about it, I still feel very resentful with thoughts of, "He couldn't accommodate me or make my life easier when all I wanted was to take a nap or take a shower. All I wanted was for him to distract the kids long enough for me to breath. Why the heck should I go out of my way for him?"

I read on here about people wanting their exes to admit to what they did or show remorse or something else. Ex is kind of doing that but it isn't moving me one single bit. His remorse seems like complete BS. I am right back at being irritated that he is trying to feed me this BS a year later. I don't think it is because he has remorse. I think it is because he is no longer living with anybody.

One of the questions I have is, "What does 'taking responsibility' look like?" Ex has convinced me in the past that taking responsibility is admitting that you did wrong, asking for forgiveness, and then moving on. I am not going to buy it this time. He says this stuff as though I have horns growing out of my head because I refuse to see that he is taking responsibility and doing better. He will say it as though it is self evident and that everybody else can see it, why can't I?

And then there is the issue of him pushing a particular issue. I thought we had agreed on it. I thought that I had told him that we couldn't do anything about it until we got documentation. He says stuff like, "I didn't know that you agreed, I know I was encouraging you to do so."

It all makes my head spin and there are days that I don't want to deal with any of it. Some of this stuff is stuff that has needed to be addressed for a while. He didn't seem bothered by it in the least. Now, he is all gung ho and is pushing me to do it at his pace rather than working WITH me or waiting until I get the documentation that I need. And, this is how the push/pull goes. I try not to do the push/pull thing yet it seems like that is where things end up. It seems like he makes up reasons to contact me on a daily basis. I think that it is pretty seldom that a day goes by without him sending me at least one text about something important. Sometimes it is actually relevant and other times it is just him looking for reasons to contact me.

Does anybody have any insights or words of wisdom or even a similar experience?

The kids and I are moving on with our lives and it feels like we are starting to thrive (planning a road trip, getting work done on the house, counseling, I bought a project car to work on fixing, losing weight, connecting with friends and family). It feels amazing for the kids and I yet it feels like he is trying to pull me back into his world and I don't want any part of it.

I would totally agree with this. I have a different situation and no kids, but 9 weeks when my exBPD moved out she still hasn't arranged to get her stuff out the flat. I boxed it all up - and told her so. I cannot understand why someone would leave their stuff this long - except for the fact it doesn't suit her. (I have  a strong suspicion she is looking for somewhere new to live with her new lover).

I also heard a million times 'I'm sorry you feel that way' from her,  it was like this was her way of relieving her guilt, I felt it was out of some text book and hurt so bad that it never felt she was apologising.

 A few weeks after the break up I told her I had never been through so much pain and I couldn't understand why she had spent six weeks discarding me, when really she wanted to be with her new lover (as they then got together, it had started while she was with me) and why I had had to go through all this - all she said was 'I did my best'. I had to really stop myself from guffawing at this, it was like listening to a child.

It is so incredibly sad and hurtful but I think this was her way of taking responsibility. Like the fact she said those things made it ok. Despite how hurt I was, she then spent the next few weeks at our work with her new lover, it was the most brutal insensitive thing I have ever seen, I am not sure she really realised that though. it felt like because she had 'tried to do her best' in her eyes she had done enough and so it was ok to have her new lover around. She kept telling me she couldn't help her feelings, as if that was enough to support her actions.

I guess it depends on what you feel responsible for, and that for me is part of my values. I wouldn't be able to have treated her the way she has treated me. The most useful thing for me has been other people telling me that they were shocked by her actions, has made me stop questioning my sanity.

I also really agree with the bit about him waiting for you to tell you what to do - I always felt that in our relationship and it was a red flag early on if I am honest - is it something you remember while in the relationship as well or is it more now after?

Oh man, that is a super difficult question to answer. I have to go back almost 20 years.  :)

When I look back, I can definitely see where I didn't ask him to do stuff and he didn't really have to take any initiative because I would do stuff before he even got a chance to do it. I managed the finances, the kids, and kept up with most of the practical matters. He had very little clue what was going on with any of it. I had to insist that he get involved in the finances because he would call me before spending money because he had no idea how much we had. I finally told him, ":)ude, you can go check the bank just as easily as I can. You need to keep up with this stuff." He had no idea how much he had spent on his credit cards. He had no idea on anything. He finally started keeping up with his bills better after I pushed the issue. He didn't even know how to access several of his online accounts. He would set it up or give me the information to set it up and then leave it up to me to make sure that it all got paid on time. I gave him the responsibility of paying the trash bill and the car insurance and that seemed to be a bit of a struggle for him.

He is going to have lots of fun now that he has his own place and has to pay all of his own bills. (For the past year, he lived rent free with a friend of his.) He promised me a certain amount each month. I know that he isn't going to be able to afford the amount he promised. I just have to figure out if I want to be understanding and let him give me a smaller amount or if I want to be a jerk and push the fact that he agreed to a certain amount. I won't lie. Part of me wants to push the amount that he promised yet isn't going to be able to afford just to make him a little bit uncomfortable. I spent the last year worrying about how I was going to support 4 kids on my own. All he has to worry about is himself. Harrumph. . .I wish I could be the big fat meanie that he tried to make me out to be.

When we didn't have any kids, it wasn't really a big deal. Actually, I can't say that is totally true. When we first moved into our house, he was really good about mowing the lawn and doing stuff without me having to ask. I think there were periods where he was okay and then there were periods where he didn't want to do anything other than what he wanted to do. I would say that him waiting for me to tell him what to do really ramped up in 2012, which is when he started playing MMORPG's. The only reason I remember that is because my oldest daughter reminded me the other night, "Mom, remember when dad started playing his games in 2012? I predicted then that you two would get a divorce."   She only knows a small fraction of what transpired.