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This is my first post on these forums in 4 months. I've lurked a few times since 2016, and I was just beginning to reply to a recent post by JJacks, however I want this to be it's own topic.

I'll cut straight to the point. I'm 14 months separated from my BPD ex-wife and I have not recovered from this relationship.

This is the sad truth and I want it to hit home with the people recovering on these forums. I'm over a year removed from my relationship and I. Haven't. Recovered.

Now I'll try and condense what I want to say into as few words as I can manage, but basically I would say on average each day, I still spend around 15-20% of my daydreaming (especially before I fall asleep) thinking about my ex.

I'm a firm believer of Trauma Bonding, relationship PTSD if you will. I tried many times to think of starving Syrian children and people displaced from natural disasters, in an effort to put my issues into perspective. After all, all my wife did was cheat on my a few times and tell lies. I have my health, a large portion of my finances and a bright future.

Little secret: this doesn't work =( Because we aren't starving in Syria right now, for most of us, this is the most traumatic experience we have ever endured. Reading these forums I firmly believe a lot of us came into these relationships with poor self-esteem and our partners (idealising us) gave us a feeling inside our chest that NOTHING had ever done before.

And then it was gone. And then we found out about the lies. And then we found out about the replacement. And then we found out about the extramarital affairs. And then we found out about the smear campaign to her family and friends.

And worst of all... .silence.

Guys this is hugely traumatic. Life-altering traumatic. If you have read this far down, this is the positive part of my post!

The important thing to remember is that WE WILL ENDURE. I have been on this rollercoaster ride to recovery for 14 months and in that time I have seen an amazing side of myself shine through, my 'best' self perhaps. A confident man who (finally) understands adult love and who has strong boundaries and will enforce those boundaries.

See I've gained knowledge and power from this mess. Yeah right now I'm having an especially crappy day, but tomorrow is a new day and crappy days are no longer crappy weeks.

So keep working on yourselves. KEEP BEING KIND TO YOURSELVES DURING BAD TIMES and if you truly feel crap, use the time for self-improvement. Direct those negative feelings into a project to better yourself.

I'm finally starting to understand my ex-wife was only able to care about herself and her "I love you" was more "I love what you do for me" I realised this week that what she provided to the relationship was very little, a bit of superficial emotional support and she most certainly did not have my back when I needed it.

Perhaps recovery will take another 14 months, perhaps not. From what I read, trauma bonding can last years. So please again, don't beat yourself up if your recovery is slow. Just keep working on yourself and endure the bad times.

Much love.

 

Thank you for this.  I've been judging myself very harshly for being so affected by this relationship.  I've had healthy successful relationships before and also not so healthy - but I was aware that I was accepting "less" in an effort to self protect.

This one hit me like a freight train and has left me crushed.

Very good post... .thanks.  Everything you wrote resonates with me but especially this part.  It is, in my opinion, what causes me the most trauma.

Hi Ahoy

I couldn't have put it better. I'm nearly 3 years out and still think about my exgf. The initial trauma is over so is the resentment. What still lingers though is the missing of what might have been if she wasn't BPD. She can be the most wonderful person but also the most horrible one. You cant separate the two and a non BPD version of her would have been a watered down version of the wonderful one.

I'm happy in my life now. I don't want her back. In fact there are times when I pick my son up that I am repulsed by her. Still she remains in my thoughts. I suppose the only way to stop this is to find a replacement for her which makes me wonder if that's why they replace us so quickly to forget us. At the moment though I cant be bothered to get involved in another relationship so I will just put up with her popping into my thoughts every so often.

And that's also another part that I didn't touch on. our BPD's had such amazing bright and bubbly sides to them, connecting that person to their darker side that can so easily manipulate and lie is gut-wrenching.

I still struggle to see my ex as one person, I find I normally reflect on the two sides depending on my mood, obviously I think a lot less about her positive side as I'm so far removed from the relationship and have no intention of getting back together with her. I mostly reflect on her poor ability to be a life-partner and someone I would actually want to marry.

I don't really know the answer to making the thoughts go away. Perhaps its just time, but same as you, I can live my life for the most part and not have these thoughts interfere with my job or other relationships.

I've dated a little, sometimes I think I'm ready, sometimes not. It's truly amazing one person can forever change our lives so drastically. ESPECIALLY now we know that the foundation of our relationship was built on quicksand, rather than the concrete foundation I certainly thought I had.

Thank you, Ahoy. I'm really glad I saw this post.

I just read an article about trauma bonding that hit home. It makes a lot of sense. It's a little intimidating to think about how long it could take to get over something like that. But I am trying to re-direct my thoughts of her into other things. I went back to finish my degree and I'm graduating in May, so I've been busy with that. Some friends/family tell me that they can see a bit of progress. So I guess baby steps.

Really appreciate the post. Thank you.

Glad you got some benefit from this =)

I get the same from my family and friends too. I live in another state but they know me well enough to hear that I'm still struggling with this, however they also comment on how I've improved from where I started from, even as much as an improvement in the last 6 months.

Yes for some of us it really is just baby steps, but at least it's little steps in the right direction!

Hi Ahoy

I'm not sure if its trauma bonding or addiction. Most of us have experienced a high that we never felt before. To be put on a pedestal and adored is not something we experience normally. I believe that this is what I miss most the feelings that being in that position released. I liken it to a drug addict or alcoholic that has gotten clean but still have cravings. Still wanting to experience that high. Unless we find a way of re experiencing that high in a healthy relationship I fear we will always get these cravings.

Fair point! I would say it is a combination of both.

Short term:

I certainly had those addictive elements at the start. After my initial period of separation, I could only go a short period of time without the urge to contact my ex-wife. Even if it ended up being a negative conversation, communication was enough to sate that urge.

That has lessened to a point of me being NC for 5 months until I recently had to send her an email regarding our divorce.

remember intermittent reinforcement of their love, that eternal carrot on the stick for their affection is also part of the addiction.

So yeah 14 months in, I can certainly say that that side of things has passed.

Long term:

Now I'm left with the deep scars left by her betrayal during our marriage. I'm healing slowly, but as stated in my initial post, this is the most traumatic thing I've personally ever experienced. This is the long term stuff, the quickening of the heartbeat and tensing of my gut when I see a picture of someone who looks exactly like my wife, or smelling a familiar purfume out in public. This is what is proving to be the longstanding hurt.

I make myself sound like a victim here! A large part of my frustration is the person I am now would have recognised my ex for what she was, I would have avoided a relationship with her (or at least proceeded cautiously) and probably avoided the whole mess!

This is what I struggle most with at the moment, I feel such hurt and pain and I no longer wish to be with her, I often feel quite sick at the thought of her, but at the same time I know we had a good thing, and I know she did love me when she said she did. I feel like until I can accept her for one of these things I cannot be at peace with myself. I don't want to despise her, but I can't shake that right now. I guess it is a time thing, as you said, baby steps.

I'm the opposite way around. The trauma has gone but the cravings are still there. Where things differ this time around is that before my uBPD exgf I was married. My ex wife I came to realise is most likely BPD also. She ticks all 9 of the DSM 4 criteria. The break up dynamic with both has some similarities but getting over the trauma of betrayal was easier with the exgf. I'm not sure why but can only guess that I sort of expected it after my ex wifes betrayals. The addiction side with my ex wife is long gone though in fact I hardly think about her.

Hey Ahoy, welcome back   Not sure if you remember me, but you often commented on my posts and helped me along, thank you.

As for recovery, it seems to be taking a long, long time for me too. Almost 12 months since I last saw him, 14 since the split. I’m still traumatised by it all although improving.

I’d say that not having contact with him helps. I made the mistake of answering a text a few weeks ago thinking I was strong enough to handle him. No sooner had I agreed to talk when he abruptly disappeared. I shouldn’t be affected anymore, but I was. Set me back a little. A reminder of the old push/pull dynamic. Completely traumatising.

But, as you say we will endure. One step at a time. Thanks for a great post and the reminder that I can stop beating myself up for how long it seems to be taking to recover.

HI Ahoy, I was wondering where you got to, good to see your post. Xw has been totally out of my life since June 2015. I remember you replying to several of my posts early on when I first came to these boards, my pain has eased for sure and for a few weeks I was doing great, of course even a bad day is great compared to the pain I felt. Lately the pain is coming back, I feel sad, I feel the pain of xw's silence, you would think I would cherish the silence, it was usually belittling and emotional abuse that came out of her mouth. The silence is so demoralizating. Xw is just shy of 2 years with my replacement and I am wrestling with, not that I miss Xw but that I am filling up with self doubt that everything Xw said was true that I am the horrible person she said I was. I met a good woman but I can't bring my self to continue the r/s. Xw told me no one ever hurt her, or made her cry as much as I did or treated her as horrible as I did so I'm not wanting to get involved and hurt someone again. I'm in a confusing place right now, I don't know if I'm scared to get hurt or did I do the hurting, I know it was hell for me in our home but when I see Xw and my replacement getting along famously it makes me doubt myself that I must of been the whole problem like Xw say's I was.

Hi Larmoyant and Bus Boy. Thanks for the kind words =)

Larmoyant I'm glad it looks like you are being kind to yourself, when I was first replying to your posts I think you struggled mightily at this. The recovery is slow but keep that mindset of being kind to yourself and you will stay on the right track.

As for you Bus Boy, don't fall into the FOG. If your ex has cluster-b personality traits, remember a fair chunk of this talk directed at you could be projection.

You know yourself. TRUST your gut, if you believe you are a good person than discard her words. Even if you are not, say there are sides to your personality that you dislike, well make an effort every day to improve on that =) For me it was being a doormat and establishing boundaries. Tough work but I got there, my boundaries have never been stronger.

As for the replacement, mine has moved on to her second one and IF they are together (i have no idea) it would be almost a year too. I sometimes think about this and to be honest occasionally I get an urge to take a peek (I will never act on this) but in my heart of hearts I know she is disordered and has not intention of getting help. IF they are together, it could quite likely be because he bends to her needs even more than I did and where I finally had enough and pushed back, he endures. Or they could both be immature as each other, who really knows!

Look after yourselves the both of you =)

"they could both be immature as each other"  - this is true for my ex, she gives in to everything.


2 years and 2 months out and I agree with all that is being said here. I wish he was the person I originally met. The nursery rhyme comes to mind... ." When he was good he was very, very good, but when he was bad he was horrid!" I can't help but wonder how his life is now, but I am quite sure it is not wonderful as I know too much from what I have been dealing with him through lawyers. I am angry that I am alone and I know if I found someone else to be happy with, I would feel allot better. But we know we can't just go out and find someone new like they can. I remember my ex saying that I "wasn't even trying."  Like it was so easy! The whole situation makes me sad and I find myself crying on a weekly basis out of nowhere. But that is better than daily, so it is an improvement. The biggest trauma for me was from all the lies and projection. I am finding that I want to trust people, but in the back of my mind, I know someone can lie about huge things. I also sometimes think people are projecting things when they say them... .maybe they are and maybe not. This I have difficulty with. I feel like I am the strange one now. Kind of warped... .I am listening to allot of John Gray's work on relationships, so I know how to act in the future. I know I made mistakes, but at the same time, there was no living with that insanity. So I know what you are saying about feeling responsible, but we were not- it takes two. We need to learn where we can improve so we are not afraid to have another relationship I think.

This, exactly. I have been married, and don't see the point in going through that again. But there were times when things were so good with my exBPD that it hit me that that was what I would need to feel like I wanted to marry someone. She was so fun, intelligent, and irreverent, our communication was so direct and productive. I feel angry thinking about who she might have been if she hadn't experienced so much trauma growing up. How incredibly unfair.

This is hard for me. I feel I have grown and matured so much because of my relationship, deep down, I feel I have outgrown her. When I am very honest with myself, I am almost embarrassed that I chose someone so immature. I also feel frustrated that it took such a difficult relationship to get me to this point in the first place. It was her faith in me that made me start believing in myself, and it was then her poor treatment of me that made me stand on that newly-found self esteem and decide I deserved better. And yet, here I sit, still missing her sometimes.

Can somebody elaborate more on trauma bonding vs. addiction? I am trying to pin point why I am having such a hard time letting go.

Hi Michel

Heres an article on the addiction side.

www.sciencealert.com/this-is-what-happens-to-your-brain-when-you-get-your-heart-broken

and one on trauma bonding

www.abuseandrelationships.org/Content/Survivors/trauma_bonding.html

Thank you. I read both articles. I am both addicted and trauma bonded as well as co-dependent (this I know already).

weve got several here as well:

https://bpdfamily.com/content/breaking-up
https://bpdfamily.com/content/broken-heart-can-hurt-you
https://bpdfamily.com/content/depression-stop-being-tortured-your-own-thoughts

trauma bonds and addictions are very real, but i think sometimes we use them to oversimplify the relationship and our response to the pain. "oh i feel this way because of a trauma bond". "oh i feel this way because of an addiction". these were loaded relationships with complex dynamics, and its complicated. a lot of us have low self esteem, rejection sensitivity, abandonment sensitivity. there may be betrayal trauma involved, abandonment depression, etc.

learn about the meanings behind the labels, but be careful about oversimplifying things with those labels. look at the dynamics, of both parties, behind them.

Thank you Ahoy for your post and thank you to everyone for sharing. I am new to the site and i can see and feel the support that is shared.

I am still struggling - one year after the break up - as I had described in my first post recently. Now what I'm struggling with is the fact that her daughter's birthday is coming up - I cannot contact her because that would mean I would have to go through my ex which is something I can not do for my own sake. So I am left with yet another heartache. But that is the way it is -so the break up also means I will never see her daughter again either - who I grew attached to as well over the past 3 years - she is very young so I will not see her grow up. This is too breaks my heart. I am struggling with the idea: ''Oh I should at least contact her to wish her Happy Birthday or send a gift by mail'' - but no - that is not a good idea. A year for a child is a long time and I am certain there is someone else who has replaced me by now. I do not want to confuse things for her and for me.

Having said that reading your posts and replies does help me - so thank you.

Well wouldn't you know it, the day after I posted this, after several months of strict NC, my ex reached out to me in a VERY long email.

It was a lot of word salad but It basically concluded with her stating she see's me everywhere she goes and thinks about our marriage at night and has kept all her wedding items.

It also listed in no cohesive order the many reasons I was the one who had problems and did not care for her enough BUT I definitely feel she is trying to hold on to our attachment in some form (as our divorce is imminent) I even feel like this could actually be a recycle attempt.

Naturally my hands were shaking when I opened the email, however I quickly saw a lot of manipulation, and sadly desperation in her words. I read no accountability for her actions (she also completely excluded to mention the multiple affairs she had).

I would say something has gone wrong in her life for her to send this. Perhaps she has gone through a string of poor relationships and is missing the stability our marriage had, who can really know.

Anyways I handled it like an absolute champ, I broke NC to reply that she neglected to cover-off on the affairs and that if she doesn't want to talk about what personally hurt me most, there is nothing worth talking about and I wished her the best.

This rattled me but it did not shatter me, proof that I have detached to a degree. I could could objectively dissect her email and using the knowledge gained on these forums, see it for what it really is.

The best part is, life is going on as usual. I did not get a reply to my response. I don't think I will. I do honestly believe this was a recycle attempt but of course, I have zero interest in that.

Cheers,

Well done Ahoy, I would give a great deal to be where you are now. You are being paid back for all the hard work you have put in on yourself, much respect 
Love from
Sadly x

I just got back from spending a week in the woods with my students and have come back in a much better state of mind... .relaxed. I wasn't even really bothered by the thought of seeing my ex at work. I thought I would struggle more... .but out of sight, out of mind... .I hope!

When I start ruminating about the good side of her personality, it helps me to read pwBPD blogs sometimes (as this site also helps immensely). When I ruminate about what pwBPD think about the loss of a non, or the destruction of a relationship, or about cheating, it's reaffirming that the break up wasn't my fault and that they struggle every moment of every day and will do anything to cope with their emptiness. And then in my heart and soul I know how toxic this relationship was and it would never, ever work. And I know I dodged a bullet (or more like canon fodder). And pwBPD will never be able to maintain a healthy relationship ever... .not with my first replacement nor with the 20th replacement. She burned through dozens of relationships before me, and she will burn through dozens after me. I was not special to her in any way, but served her purpose for those few months. So why do we agonize over the specialness of the relationship from our side... .they are not deserving of us.