BPDFamily.com

I think my girlfriend has BPD, but she doesn't have an official diagnosis, as far as I know.

She's hurting and sometimes she apologizes for being "crazy" or "needy" and I do my best to help her, but I'm not a professional and I think many of thing things I do may make the problem worse in the long run.

Does anyone have any suggestions as to how I can bring up that I think she may have BPD or how I can encourage her to get treatment?

Or, to ask another question: how did your SOs receive their diagnosis and how did they take it?

Thanks :)

First question you need to ask is why you want her to get treatment.

Is it for her benefit, or is to make the relationship easier for you to handle?... .Be honest... .I mean really think about it, and be really honest.

The first danger is that she'll see it as the latter, and in any case may resent the suggestion.

The second danger is that it may not even help. It may help manage certain things, but it still wont be a normal, pleasant relationship, in any real sense.

The third danger comes from you wanting to help and being a "fixer". That a may sound noble, but let's assume best case scenario and it works, and she does get "fixed". In my experience, when that happens, that person may be grateful for your help, but they no longer need a fixer, and instead they want to lead a new, different life, with their fixed self.

BPD is not like a broken leg, where it can be treated and go away.  In my opinion, a diagnosis is good for YOU, so you know other people validate the experiences you are having, but that's about it.  pwBPD rarely are able to accept it, take responsibility and go into treatment, and benefit from it.  "Honey, I love you but I think you've got this mental illness you need to get fixed up, okay?"  No matter how you try to soften it, that's what you're telling her. 

BPD is about avoiding toxic shame, about making the world the problem and not yourself, and about taking out all your negative feelings on the people closest to you, because in your mind they caused the negative feelings somehow and it's the only way you know how to act.  Telling a person with BPD that they have BPD would be telling them that a large part the drama, rage, anger, and basically bad behavior is their own fault.  That just triggers the instinctual reaction to deny it, and makes you the bad guy even more for saying it. 

Odd are, it will be one more thing to bring up in fights.  It will be projected back onto you.  YOU will be accused of being the one with a mental illness.  She may decide to cave in and go a few times, and never go again, and will say, "I went, I'm fine, leave me alone about it now." 

If you are trying to decrease the drama in your lives, it's best to look at the only person you can actually change - you.  I know it's not easy, because we often feel we are the calm ones who can't possibly be contributing to all of it... .but we are.  Our nature to "fix" things actually can be invalidating.  It's enabling.  Instead, we have to learn to stop allowing certain behaviors to take place not by trying to control the pwBPD (not directly).  We change OUR responses.  A rage starts, if you can leave, leave.  Then the pwBPD is stuck there, all mad, without a human target to vent it on and now has to learn to cope like a grown up.  Do it enough times, a new normal is born.  They have a problem, let them try to fix it.  Don't take that opportunity away just to make them happy, keep them in a good mood.  Allow them to have bad moods without feeling it's your job to fix them.  You can have your own emotions without placating theirs.  These steps can actually help - they protect YOU from further emotional turmoil, and by proxy, can make the pwBPD adjust their actions to meet your new boundaries. 

BPD does not go away just because someone got treatment.  It's just there, like diabetes and PTSD.  it can be fine with some maintenance (validation instead of JADE), but it will still have flare ups.  Many with BPD never get a diagnosis, those of us close to them read the "symptoms" and decide it certain walks like a duck and talks like a duck, it's close enough I will act like it's a duck".  BPD likes isolation.  It does not like involving outsiders in the turmoil - they might see past the facade they try so hard to keep up.  So, if you think treatment may help, I'd almost recommedn asking for help with a comorbid condition, like, "hey, you've been saying you are depressed/manic/having trouble sleeping."  Don't mention BPD.  Stick to generic conditions that may also exist, can be treated more easily, and will be less off putting for her to be told she may have. 

It certainly quacks like a duck.

I'm learning better how we can work together, but it just feels like I'm harboring a secret or lying by not telling her. At the same time, I understand what you're saying, which is why I haven't brought it up.

When she's in a calmer mood, we can talk about the feelings she has and how she can become overpowered by her emotions. I think that focusing on the symptoms rather than the label may be the best way to go, at least for now.

Yes.  In "safe" periods you can talk about the symptoms usually, and suggest ideas to help.  H admits he knows he has anxiety.  He also is finally coming to be aware that he has out of control emotions when his blood sugar is low.  He knows he has depression.  So I can openly talk to him about those.  I cannot ever see myself mentioning BPD directly to him - I've kinda skated around it by talking about my BPD parents, another reason I am on this site, and I talk about the behavoirs, how they apply to other people, but not directly to him - that would be far too invlaidating and be seen as an attack.

isilme makes some very good points.

The best help my marriage has ever received came from our psychiatrist educating and training me on how to respond to her in productive ways, specifically because of her inability to accept accountability.

My learning how to better interact with her has made all the difference. 

My sweetheart doesn't know the diagnosis.