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Title: Planning a holiday with a friend Post by: Maya60 on March 30, 2017, 05:43:26 AM Hi all!
Things have been going well for over the last 6 weeks. No arguing and such. Anyway, I love to travel and this summer I want to visit a new country in Asia. One of my friends is always travelling alone, so I thought I might go with her on an organized trip to Myanmar or Cambodia. But I felt awfully, awfully stressed for telling this to my partner. Of course I would love to go with him, but he has no money, no days off left from work, debts and needs to save money for a drivers license. He has two young kids, so 3 of the 5 weeks of holidays per year are for them. My partner has lived his life to the fullest for many years, going to concerts every week. but now he has a period of being low on cash. For me its exactly the opposite. I do not have children (yet) and many days off from work and enough money for booking a trip. I thought he would not like to visit an Asian country with me, but when I cautiously tried to talk about the subject I accidentally said I wanted to go on a trip with my friend, but I'd rather go on a trip with him. So if he could tell me if we could go on a trip in 2018 I would be happy. He wants to visit Vietnam and check whether he can save enough money (I think this is not possible... ) But I also said I maybe still considering a trip for this summer. Then I noticed I started to trigger him a already... .stupid me said "if we go together, I might not go this year with a friend" although I should have said I wanted to do both in the first place. Now I feel the tension, cos I "said something different, and turned the story around the other way". So I feel really stressed out telling him about wanting to go this year too I already know we'll have a fight about what I said. Any suggestions? Title: Re: Planning a holiday with a friend Post by: Naughty Nibbler on April 03, 2017, 10:38:34 PM Hi Maya60:
I'm glad you have had a good 6 weeks. |iiii Quote from: Maya60 I also said I maybe still considering a trip for this summer. Then I noticed I started to trigger him a already... .stupid me said "if we go together, I might not go this year with a friend" although I should have said I wanted to do both in the first place. Now I feel the tension, cos I "said something different, and turned the story around the other way". So I feel really stressed out telling him about wanting to go this year too I already know we'll have a fight about what I said. Best to talk to your partner about you going on a trip with your friend when your partner isn't angry. Try to have a calm discussion about why he is worried/bothered by the idea of you going. It likely would make him anxious because he can't control it and/or because of a fear of abandonment. The discussions in the two threads below should be helpful: FEAR OF ABANDONMENT) (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=47237.0;ALL) Topic: 1.01 | The Do's and Don'ts in a BPD Relationship (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=62266.0) Quote from: Excerpts from Topic: 1.01 | The Do's and Don'ts in a BPD Relationship Here's a information from the book "Sometimes I Act Crazy: Living with BPD": Dealing with fears of abandonment: Understand and accept borderline anxieties: For the BP, living a life apart from her is abandonment: a husband who works late at the office, a girlfriend who spends time with other friends, a therapist who sees other patients, all may be perceived by the BP as abandoning. Such feelings are real [tho not TRUE] and must be acknowledged. Trying to use logic to convince the borderline that you are not abandoning her is usually fruitless. Respect your own limitations: While accepting the BP's need for constant reassurance, don't totally abandon your own interests. Establish compromises between the BP's needs and your own, and stick to them. Prepare the BP for separation: For many BP's the future, particularly an unpleasant future event, doesn't appear on the radar screen. The hope is that what hasn't yet happened perhaps never will. However, ignoring it will only precipitate more severe hurt and anger when it occurs. Don't mention a weekend fishing trip with the guys two months in advance and then avoid discussion until the night before. Instead, remind her about it and propose some compensatory activity: ":)on't forget, honey, next weekend I'll be out of town with the guys. I know I'm really going to miss you. Let's go out to a nice restaurant and show this weekend." Though you may be trespassing into self-serving strategy with this kind of reminder, it is better than intentional silence or avoidance of the issue altogether. Similarly, the therapist needs to periodically remind her patient about her upcoming vacation. Utilize transitional objects: "Something to remember me by" - a picture, an audiotape, an article of clothing, or any possession that links the BP to another person of importance - can lessen the pain of separation. Be consistent: Work for a compromise and stick to it. Ambivalence will only result in more pleading and conflicts later Title: Re: Planning a holiday with a friend Post by: Maya60 on April 25, 2017, 09:35:28 AM Thanks for your reply! I lost track of the forum for a while but now I see your post :)
Well, we talked about it. It went ok, but he was not too fond about me going. He didn't want to talk about it a lot. I tried the preparing part and that seemed to work. But two weeks later he asked when I was gonna book the trip, I told him me and my friend are waiting cos we want to see the who else will book the trip on a specific date. I wasn't prepared for his reaction; he got very mad cos I didn't told him about other people joining. And he is completely anxious and angry maybe other men will join and try to get involved with me. I know I haven't said it that specific it is a group trip, but I even asked him whether he wanted to do a private trip in 2018 or a group trip. But now he says there is no way he could have known it was a group trip. I can try to fight his argument, but I know its his version of the truth (the truth he wants to see). He never was interested in talking about my holidays so how could we have spoken about it. Anyway, I tried validating, saying I understand his feelings. But also said we are together for 1.5 years, I love him, and that his thought of me being interested in other men is only based on irrational feelings of himself. And by saying it that way, he makes it sound like I am some kind of girl who will just have sex with random men it makes me sad. So we argued about 10 minutes. Then I got quiet. I did not know how to end this conversation. Went to bed alone and angry. Next day he asked if we could forget about it. But now what... .? when I'll book my trip this argue will be brought up again. It's a circular argument and I do not know how to react. |