BPDFamily.com

so my situation is basically that the exBPD finished things out of the blue after what i now know is likely to have been a brilliant 8 month ideolization phase and split me black since late december. my numbers/social media accounts ect were blocked almost immediately bar a couple of days mid Jan when she seemed to have calmed down and was back to her friendly self. That quickly changed though and i went back to being blocked again but apart from the blocking/unwillingness to talk at all plus angry messages ive not seen anything more extreme than that. She owes a considerable amount of money so i am currently debating how i reconnect to get this sorted. As i'm having to reconnect its led me to look at things like how long are people split black ect.

reading past threads on being split black ect i can see there is very little hope out there and if people do change its very short lived. I also know my ex had her ex (the abuser) blocked on everything whilst i was with her and hadnt wavered on this so chances are ill be the same i think. I've also seen many report the smear campaigns that can sometimes follow so that has certainly put me off going to see her on my own in case i find myself in a very difficult situation or having accusations thrown at me that have been fabricated to make her look like a victim.

anyway whilst searching about on here i came across a site called the nicola method for high conflict (look it up if havent seen and interested in ideas to manage people with BPD and other conflict personality disorder traits). On one of the blogs it goes over specific lines to use when speaking with someone with BPD traits. It doesn't seem at all an easy thing to do, especially in my case where i am likely to have once chance only to try this. Just wondering if anyone on here has seen this before, tried the lines or technique used on there to try and get around the other persons defense mechanism by getting them to question their anger in a neutral way?

I'd be interested in any thoughts on this as when i do get round to reconnecting with my ex in the next week or so i may try some of these principles to try and get her to calm her anger down at me or question what the reason for the anger is. i have no other options or ideas how i will get to a point where i can have a decent conversation about money without her anger causing her to either put the phone down or just refuse to talk at all. so at the moment this seems my best option on how to approach things so was wondering if anyone has seen and done this and had any sort of positive effect?

Good luck with that... .seriously.  When my exBPD ended our relationship she owed me money and of course I went to black.  Luckily, I had some knowledge of her past that could have gotten her in trouble with the law if I would have pursued it.  I really never intended to go down that road but at least I had a little leverage.  It was a pain in the rear end but she finally did repay me (I got lucky on that).

The only way I left "black" status is when her and my replacement ended their relationship three months later.  When that happened she started contacting me again and was civil again.  I was foolish enough to think she actually realized her mistakes and wanted me back for the right reasons but that wasn't the case... .she just didn't want to be alone again and strung me along until replacement #2 showed up. 

From my experience, the only way I left "black" status is when she needed something from me.  If her and replacement #1 would have remained together, I would have remained in the "black" no matter what kind of communication techniques I would have used.  Your ex may be more receptive than mine however... .Nicola may work for you.

Hi There,
  I am going to second G2. You have a better chance of being painted white if she is not in a relationship or her current relationship starts to hit the skids. Remember, everything is black and white to a person with BPD. There is no grey area. If her current love is in the white, you naturally have to be in the black.

As far as what she owes you, is it a huge amount of money or something you can write off. Sometimes it is worth writing it off to sever ties and start to heal. After my last break up with my ex I made sure to get the rings back, my ipad, everything of value because I knew what would happen next, however earlier in our relationship (the break ups before) I had no clue. This was the first time there was a secured replacement and I am the darkest of black.

Not all BPD's but many are sue happy. They like to file restraining orders and sue. This is because they genuinely feel threatened by you when you are painted black. You could be doing nothing at all but something triggers them.

If it is something you can write off, in my opinion I would. If not, I would seek legal counsel and deal with her through a third party. Again, if you are painted black she may see you as a threat and even though she owes you it could create tension and other problems you simply don't need.