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I'm trying hard to coparent, trying hard to tell myself Xw has a disorder but I really struggle, is she disordered or is she just black hearted to the core or is that part of the disorder?

On Tuesday Xw asked if I could make a change with access, I agreed. It was for a school dance at 10's school. I made the change but this morning s10's text, was I going to pick him up after the dance, I said I would ask his mother, of course Xw said no, I told her to get off her power trip high horse. I am so angry and frustrated today, I am in a very bad state of mind. I give, I coparent, I do what I feel is best for s10 and the second I make a request the answer is no. I want to tell her what kind of an emotionally abusive deceitful piece of the black hearted devil she is. I'm boiling, I'm an exemplary father never missed a payment always willing to compramise, before I started pushing the court order I let her take an unbelievable amount of access that I will never get back, I gave, gave, gave, thinking the kindness would be reciprocated but it never is, the court order clearly states my requests should not be refused. Any way as I'm writing I am getting fu****g angrier and angrier.

Hey busboy.
So you agreed to change your access to allow your son to attend dance, but xw won't let you pick him up from dance to take him back to her house? Do I have it correct?

That would make any rational person's blood boil. It's mean spirited and sounds like your son was hoping to see you too. I know you have probably tried SET or DEARMAN but any chance something like that could work? All you can do is put your son's interest first. You can't count on your xw to do that, but you have to. He will know it too.

I was seeking to pick s10 up after the dance and take him to my house to resume my access weekend, I agreed to pick him up on Saturday morning, an agreement I had every intension of keeping but when s10 text me to see if I was picking him up at the dance, I thought it was very fair to make a request to pick s10 up. Considering all the access I've lost by her hand, I lost 22 actual access days last summer alone, when she booked her vacation time she booked it from the Friday of my access weekend to the following Monday of the next week so I would go 3 weeks without seeing s10, that's what she did last summer so I lost 22 days out of the summer and even with the proof in court she still lied and defended what she did. That's just a small example of what she's done so she had no logical reason to deny my request to pick s10 up tonight only that she could.

It isn't about whether or not she is rotten to the core. It's about understanding her limitations. She can only take. She cannot give. You gave and then you asked for some back and she said no. It's unfair and it's unfortunate. Going forward, it's also probably pretty predictable.

S10 has the right idea. Next time there is a situation where an event cuts I to your time, you set the boundary immediately that you'll pick him up to resume your time at the end of the event. That way you are accommodating S10. Do not try to appease or accommodate your ex. Because she simply can not reciprocate.

I think I agree with Nope. If it is your residential time, and your son has an event, you are still responsible for him, whether or not she dropped him off at the event. Particularly if your residential time extends to the following day(s). That's not an ask or discussion; it just is. What could you do different next time this arises? I fully appreciate how angry you are and the need to vent. I won't stop you, but I want you and your son to have a better outcome next go around. Something to work out on the board, maybe?

I am a high school teacher. I use that when dealing with my ex. I must be very explicit in my instructions and even then I have many students that misinterpret. The students learn my expectations (boundaries) during the first quarter. Staying focused and firm helps them "get" me.
When dealing with my ex I spell out the entire process in an email. I make mistakes sometimes. Your circumstance is different since S10 wanted both of you to adapt. Normally this is not a problem. With BPD that is not possible.
Maybe next time you can agree to let her drop him off and you pick him up. Sometimes, in situations like this, I don't reply to ex right away. I run it by our boys to see what they are thinking. That really depends on the situation. I view it the same way as if ex and I were still together. Ex says something and I say lets see what our child would like. That is my parenting style and I like the boys to get involved in things to help them make decisions and feel included.

In contrast to David, my DH and I don't ever involve the kids in the decision making. It's one thing for their uBPDm to manipulate and work over DH to try and get what she wants, it's entirely another to teach her that working over the kids is the effective route. Even though the kids live with us 98% of the time and have for more than two years they still have it deeply engrained that their priority is what is best for mom and what mom wants. Whenever we ask them what they want they tow the party line, no matter how much it obviously would hurt them. When they get a little older we'll let them take on more responsibility for the pain protecting her causes them.

So I would say the best approach really depends on the circumstances and the child. Right now your S10 may count on you to be firm with his mom so he can see you.

Nope makes a great point that I didn't think about. My boys were older when I started asking them what they wanted to do. I never told them about my conversation with their mom. I also didn't mention to their mom that I spoke to them. I was looking for what they wanted to do and then made my decision.
If I mentioned to ex that one of our boys thought this was a good idea or this is what they wanted I am fairly certain they would have cosequences from their mom.