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My T told me that eventually the "why's" will slow down and for the most part stop. It's been almost 2 years, they did slow down a lot and the wrenching feeling in my gut dissappeared but lately the "why's" and wrenching feeling are back. The new court order is a disaster, coparenting is a disaster, My self esteem is low, I'm feeling wrong all around. I seem to be the only person who experienced the horrific treatment I got from Xw. She has cut her whole extended family out of her life but they all say they never saw any abusive or disfunctional behaviour out of her. In fact everyone is surprised at the way Xw was towards me. She has some coworkers that hate the ground she stands on but other than that I seem to be the lone man out She has one aunt who told me 12 years ago when I met Xw, to stay clear of her, she is to emotional. I didn't listen, Xw aunt was bad to drink, was a mess herself bc of the sexual abuse she suffered in the home by her father, that would be xw's molester grandfather. That's one unstable aunt out of a big family who said this. I thought it would get easier but the longer Xw is with my replacement the more backward I seem to be going. I am looking into deeper therapy, I am starting to think Xw was right in all she said about me, maybe I treated her horrible and don't know it maybe I'm the one in denial about who I really am. Her life today seems very together maybe her anger with me is justified. Something is not right, I keep slipping back to my old thinking, issues keep coming back around until we get it, this is the main issue that keeps haunting me, that I was the master of the destruction of my family. Xw told me I am 1,000% to blame for the failure of our marriage. Maybe I am in to much denial to come to terms with this. It was crazy in our home, she did say I drove her crazy, no one ever heard a swear word come out of her mouth ever, in our home she would rage at me, cursing like I never heard the likes of and crying, telling me she can't take it that I'm crazy and I'm driving her crazy. Maybe this is as good as it gets for me. Xw told me to do every woman a favour and never date again, maybe I am a person who should stay out of people's life's.

I have felt the same way.

Why people with BPD do what they do is fundamentally most relevant to them, because accurate diagnosis can lead to management of the disorder.

WHAT they do to those around them and the damage their thoughts, words, and deeds cause to others are what is relevant to their victims. 

My ex projected an alluring false self to everyone in our circle of association and at the time I caught her in the act of committing adultery on 12/21/15, virtually no one in that circle would have believed her capable of doing the potentially psychologically damaging things she did to me, mostly, and to our children, to some degree.

The depth of her deceit, however, was not sufficient to bury the truth forever.  All I had to do to sway public opinion was stop feeling obligated to protect her honor and reputation by defending her disordered behavior as I once did, and just let her be her without me trying to deflect the consequences of her actions away from her.  The opinion people formerly had of my ex-wife isn't one she created without help.  I helped frame it, too.  Once I accepted responsibility for that and vowed to cease doing it, the revelation of her true self was virtually a foregone conclusion.

No decent, kind, respectful, calm, nurturing, loving person would say all those horrible things to you. That level of shaming and blaming is something no one, not you, not me, not anyone should have to put up with. For her to just say those things, within itself gives you enough evidence of what was happening.

The other thing is that with respect to her new relationship, she may well still be on "best behaviour". She wants to prove to everyone, and maybe even to herself, that she is a good person. So she is still acting it, and all seems good... .at the moment. The act may continue for a long time, but not forever.

And one other thing to consider, her new partner may be very co-dependent / submissive, and may be letting her get away with bad behaviour and accepting it as normal. So from the outside - all looks good, but really the relationship is dysfunctional because it is unbalanced.

I could still be with my ex, - very easily, if I hadn't stood up to her and called her out on her crappy behaviour. If I'd kept my mouth shut, been nicey nicey through all of her disrespectful behaviour, she and I would still be together. But it isn't what I wanted, and I stood up to her, and then all hell let loose, resulting eventually in the discard, and then the stalking and then her completely disappearing.

So we just can't tell what is really happening in someone elses relationship.

These doubts that you mention are normal, and indeed they SHOW that you are developing and growing from the experience, only by questioning yourself, can you grow as a person - those who never question themselves and are always "right" never learn, never improve, never grow. Sounds to me like you are looking at things with hindsight, that is a hard thing to do, but it is also a chance to grow and develop as a person.

Busboy,

Hang in there. You are a great father and are a person of worth who deserves to be with someone who is committed, loyal, and gives you mutual respect. Don't let your ex project her unhappiness onto you.

You need to focus on you now and assess what you need to do to heal. Sounds like therapy is a great start. What else are you doing to stay healthy? Are you exercising? Eating healthy? Spending time with good people? What are you doing to be a good father to your kids?

Focus on what you CAN DO instead of what is out of your hands (ie. her disordered thoughts and actions). You've taken back control of your life, just take small steps and over time it will get better :)

You need to tell yourself a new story.

Could you phrase any of this differently?

I don't mean 'make up' a story, I mean you need to take a look at the story with fresh eyes. I've been out 3 years, no kids at least, but I read your story and so many things stand out to me as self defeating just in the way you describe it.

He's not a replacement - he's the poor sod that has to deal with her now

It's not only the mad aunty can see her issues it's EVEN the mad aunty can see her issues.

I could list out more and more - you need to change your perspective and most of all you need to get this out of your head and devalue it's importance - easy for me to say - yes it is - very - harder to do? I can assure you if you want to feel better, change the story, firstly when your brain tells this story, let it tell it half as much and tell the new version, when you got the new (accurate btw!) story down, stop telling it. You programmed your brain to think this way - (well you and your entire life experience) it's time to load a new programme or you'll stay miserable - believe me goi g over and over this for years is a waste of time and neurons that wire together fire together - correct your thinking and remove this story - it's not serving you

Ironcalves, that makes so much sense, I've plowed the same old story into my brains for years, I let her define who I am and it's time to stop. All I am doing is keeping my self in a negative state of mind and holding myself back.

I did this too. It was a revelation when I realized I was abusing myself with my negative thoughts - of how great she must be doing; of how miserable and unhappy I'd always be. None of it was true - I separated myself from my thoughts and replaced them with more positive thoughts. Is it possible to slip backwards sometimes? Sure. But I learned that I am not my thoughts. It was freeing.