BPDFamily.com

I have only very recently come to an understanding of my wife's probable BPD: which answers so many questions and frustrations.

After a recent issue with my undiagnosed BPD wife heading toward a physical affair: perhaps halted because my son caught her kissing another man, she claims it had only gone that far. Moreover she claims she has never been unfaithful in our 19 years together and until now I have had no reason to believe otherwise.

However, I am haunted now with the notion that she may well have had affairs over the years and would be able to lie convincingly to me in order to protect the relationship.

How does the nonBPD begin to accept her word that nothing has ever happened before and never will again?

Try digging deeper and see what comes out.  My guess is she'll only talk about and admit to what she was caught with and not because that's all there is.

Since separating from my BPD wife, I'm learning more and more about her that demonstrates her uncanny ability to live a complete lie.  I suspect multiple affairs but have no proof but considering the extend she's gone to cover her tracks for other things it wouldn't surprise me at all.

I think this is applicable regardless of whether BPD is part of the relationship or not:

In order to trust, you need to verify.

About 10 years back, H pushed the limits of what I could stand as far as interactions with other women.  I mostly know emotional cheating (treating other women as his GF more than me, even though I was the one supporting him at the time, and the one who'd been there for a previous 10 years), and I know there were physical interactions to a point that were still beyond what I would accept.

I used to check his phone.  I'd wait till he was in the shower and check it.  I decided I did not want to get caught doing it, and learned how to read our phone logs on our bill online.  I knew what numbers should be there, and which ones should not.  I let him know I wanted him to stop talking to a specific certain girl, and I would check the phone.  When I was able to determine he was being honest about not being in contact (I never let him know I was checking), I began to slowly trust again.  This is a cliff notes version of it all, and you will need to find ways to check on your W.  Trust if you can, but verify her claims.  You can't go back in time and verify if she did more than kiss someone.  But you can, moving forward, keep your eyes open, and while I do not advocate being suspicious, be honest.  If you think she is cheating, something in your gut is telling you she is.  See if she has bank withdrawals.  See if she is where she says she is supposed to be.  Check her social media if you can.  And also, make a plan yourself for what steps you will take if you discover something.  Do this BEFORE you are faced with any evidence.  It's easier. 

Things came to a head, and I made it as clear as codependent me could make it that if he did not choose me by stopping carrying on with this other woman, I was leaving.  Somehow I was leaving.  Then, I got a pension I was not expecting, which allowed me to buy my own car - it shook him up enough he got his act together.  After that, he started making serious strides to finally grow up a bit from college drop out to professional who finished college while working 50 hours a week.  Leaving was not a threat or ultimatum to make him change.  It was just an honest fact - I was close to suicide at that time, and one way or another I was leavings (he did not know I was suicidal).  Leavings somehow was my choice to move on or end that pain however I could.

We are in a better place now.  His BPD spikes and still waxes and wanes - it's been waxing a bit this year, hence my posts of late.  But the cheating is not something I worry about anymore because I now know if I need to I can make myself go.

Thanks isilme, I learnt something important from your post. :^)

I like the trust-but-verify approach, and I'd add another couple things.

There aren't very many people who can lie convincingly and consistently, and the more they have to hide and the bigger the things they are hiding, the harder it is to do. More often, if a partner is cheating like this, at some level, the other partner is trying NOT to notice, and not to figure it out, but has an inkling in the back of their head that something is going on.

Does she have a habit of hiding things and being deceptive? And if not with you (that you know of), with other people?

In my case, I'm not a jealous person by my nature, but there were three different guys who twigged my jealousy with regard to me stbexwife. I eventually discovered that one was an emotional affair, and the other two were physical ones. My wife didn't really hide them, but she did try to convince me that all of them were less significant than they actually were to her at the time. You know, she might have even believed what she was trying to convince me of, now that I think of it.

I discovered that my intuition was very accurate, and when I was jealous, there WAS something going on, and I needed to know about it. FYI, stbexw is an incorrigible flirt, and most of the time there was nothing that would ever go beyond flirting, and most of the time it didn't really twig my jealousy very much.

Back to you--Have you felt jealous of your wife around other guys before? And did you feel anything about the guy she kissed? (If you knew he existed... .)